Update on sleep, and really a lot more of my head then I thought I was going to give.
I'm pretty sure because of how long this is, it's going to get skimmed over.
Well, my sleep is in order, I guess. I am falling to sleep earlier in the night or at least by 12, the problem being that I'm waking up in the middle of the night 4 hours later(in the event in which I fall asleep by 9) or else by 9 in the morning(when at 12).
This would be fine to wake up at 9, except for the fact that my CFS requires me to have 12 hours of sleep not nine, or else I end up getting really really tired 5 hours later. I need 12 hours of sleep(mostly because it isn't all real sleep) and not a half a day of exhaustion if I want my brain to deteriorate slower, meaning my shittastic memory and the cognitive dysfunction will get worse. I can't take naps, because my body doesn't do naps, I do sleep, short naps do not happen and are pointless anyway. In a 1-2 hour nap, I'll be lucky to get several minutes of restful sleep. Yeah, naps don't work when there is no rest involved.
Also, when I wake up too early and don't get enough, I start suffering from bad depression. Like that sinking into the darkness kind where you just want to curl up in a corner and shrink into nothing, where it feels like all of your happiness is pulling away and disappearing into the center of you... I just don't know why. Everything that is bothering me just all of a sudden becomes more and so overwhelming and get this feeling of why even bother and why even try. Sometimes I will end up creating shit that was previously not that bad. I just don't know what to do about it.
Having a fucked up sleeping pattern and being irritated by it, but relatively happy, is better then having a fixed one where my brain abandons me to look like a fool, horribly depressed, and often irrationally irritated.
The only way to make me feel somewhat better, is to do, something. Like leave the house and have a day out, but during the week that's impossible. My insurance is canceled come the 21st, I can't trust myself to drive anymore anyway. On the weekend, Paul wants to sleep late, and I can't blame him at all, he works all week and he deserves it. So I end up depressed as fuck, the only way to fix it is to get out of the house for awhile with nothing bad happening to make it worse and Paul is sleeping during that time so I can't leave. By the time he wakes up, I'm going to have sunk so low that I'm not even going to want to bother to leave the house anymore and it's a vicious cycle. Now, I'm not even sure I want to go to the Halloween stores at all, that was the plan for today.
I really want a Halloween I look forward to it all year. All the cool stuff to play with and try on. Like a little trip back to being a kid again and having fun without looking like an idiot to other people. I'm a big kid at heart and you can't be a kid in a society of adults who have to take everything so seriously and if you don't, well there is something wrong with you, or you get left behind as they grow up and deal with adult things. Which you know, you should deal with adult things, but the maturity that makes you capable of that, does not have to drain away everything else, they are not the same. Which is where I feel where I am, due to many reasons, getting left behind as everyone else grows up and out of things. It just becomes too much trouble and no one has the energy to spare. So yeah, Halloween for me, is kinda a little break from that. Where everyone can have fun like kids, as adults ...or they could anyway, and I don't feel so behind, because I know I'm not going anywhere in life, but those around me can move on and do more. I wonder if for some people, that feeling, isn't what inspires wanting to become a mom. Where they feel that their life has no ...substance, no direction, sitting in doldrums, so they fill it with that meaning, that direction. I have no desire for that meaning but that could explain some women's fury at someone saying that they hate or dislike kids, like it's an attack on them personally, because, maybe it is for them, attacking their meaning, without it, they feel, directionless, stagnate so it is the best thing they have done in their life. Obviously, all parents aren't like that, there are different drives but maybe for some...
I'm never sure whether thought trains like these are good things or not, but I might as well take advantage of the clarity of the moment.
I'm not sure I'll be getting a Halloween this year. No one has answered any of my text based inquires online or phone about any get together, actual phone calls are next. SO I keep getting depressed about it. We haven't bought costume stuff, because what is the point without being able to use it? I'll get the fangs and teeth anyway, but I wasn't going to wear them for Halloween. And buying the cool candies and stuff is great, but kinda a reminder of a day I might not get to have, kinda like looking at lost potential. Maybe I just over analyze what the day is to the areas that celebrate it, but all I can say is what it means to me. Yeah, I'm just a big child, I know, getting bothered by something silly like Halloween, but I guess to me, it isn't just Halloween.
Well, my sleep is in order, I guess. I am falling to sleep earlier in the night or at least by 12, the problem being that I'm waking up in the middle of the night 4 hours later(in the event in which I fall asleep by 9) or else by 9 in the morning(when at 12).
This would be fine to wake up at 9, except for the fact that my CFS requires me to have 12 hours of sleep not nine, or else I end up getting really really tired 5 hours later. I need 12 hours of sleep(mostly because it isn't all real sleep) and not a half a day of exhaustion if I want my brain to deteriorate slower, meaning my shittastic memory and the cognitive dysfunction will get worse. I can't take naps, because my body doesn't do naps, I do sleep, short naps do not happen and are pointless anyway. In a 1-2 hour nap, I'll be lucky to get several minutes of restful sleep. Yeah, naps don't work when there is no rest involved.
Also, when I wake up too early and don't get enough, I start suffering from bad depression. Like that sinking into the darkness kind where you just want to curl up in a corner and shrink into nothing, where it feels like all of your happiness is pulling away and disappearing into the center of you... I just don't know why. Everything that is bothering me just all of a sudden becomes more and so overwhelming and get this feeling of why even bother and why even try. Sometimes I will end up creating shit that was previously not that bad. I just don't know what to do about it.
Having a fucked up sleeping pattern and being irritated by it, but relatively happy, is better then having a fixed one where my brain abandons me to look like a fool, horribly depressed, and often irrationally irritated.
The only way to make me feel somewhat better, is to do, something. Like leave the house and have a day out, but during the week that's impossible. My insurance is canceled come the 21st, I can't trust myself to drive anymore anyway. On the weekend, Paul wants to sleep late, and I can't blame him at all, he works all week and he deserves it. So I end up depressed as fuck, the only way to fix it is to get out of the house for awhile with nothing bad happening to make it worse and Paul is sleeping during that time so I can't leave. By the time he wakes up, I'm going to have sunk so low that I'm not even going to want to bother to leave the house anymore and it's a vicious cycle. Now, I'm not even sure I want to go to the Halloween stores at all, that was the plan for today.
I really want a Halloween I look forward to it all year. All the cool stuff to play with and try on. Like a little trip back to being a kid again and having fun without looking like an idiot to other people. I'm a big kid at heart and you can't be a kid in a society of adults who have to take everything so seriously and if you don't, well there is something wrong with you, or you get left behind as they grow up and deal with adult things. Which you know, you should deal with adult things, but the maturity that makes you capable of that, does not have to drain away everything else, they are not the same. Which is where I feel where I am, due to many reasons, getting left behind as everyone else grows up and out of things. It just becomes too much trouble and no one has the energy to spare. So yeah, Halloween for me, is kinda a little break from that. Where everyone can have fun like kids, as adults ...or they could anyway, and I don't feel so behind, because I know I'm not going anywhere in life, but those around me can move on and do more. I wonder if for some people, that feeling, isn't what inspires wanting to become a mom. Where they feel that their life has no ...substance, no direction, sitting in doldrums, so they fill it with that meaning, that direction. I have no desire for that meaning but that could explain some women's fury at someone saying that they hate or dislike kids, like it's an attack on them personally, because, maybe it is for them, attacking their meaning, without it, they feel, directionless, stagnate so it is the best thing they have done in their life. Obviously, all parents aren't like that, there are different drives but maybe for some...
I'm never sure whether thought trains like these are good things or not, but I might as well take advantage of the clarity of the moment.
I'm not sure I'll be getting a Halloween this year. No one has answered any of my text based inquires online or phone about any get together, actual phone calls are next. SO I keep getting depressed about it. We haven't bought costume stuff, because what is the point without being able to use it? I'll get the fangs and teeth anyway, but I wasn't going to wear them for Halloween. And buying the cool candies and stuff is great, but kinda a reminder of a day I might not get to have, kinda like looking at lost potential. Maybe I just over analyze what the day is to the areas that celebrate it, but all I can say is what it means to me. Yeah, I'm just a big child, I know, getting bothered by something silly like Halloween, but I guess to me, it isn't just Halloween.