I Feel So Good!
I feel so good, I realy do, it just feels so very good to be home and to be able to walk around a house without feeling the great desire to run back into my bedroom to hide away. To not feel anxious everytime I walk through a room. To have friends who dote over me and care for me. To be in a city, that if I wanted to go somewhere I can because I know where to go. Things are hard but I have the help of friends and family untill it is settled. I hung out with David yesterday, he got me a smoothie and hamburger helper. David is always fun to hang out with, just have to remond him to not get too ...playful... it's probably a bad thing that I really enjoy it though.
The housing thing is still fuzzy. Went to a place that my grandma sent me to and she'd already rented it out. The other place that is an option still has someone in it and it would be a month or more just to find out if she really is going to get out, we'd be able to move in immediatly after she did though. The apartments in hammond would be more definate and a little sooner but I really want to stay here, the drive in nearly an hour from denham. If It wasn't for Richard and the pets, I'd just gypsy about a little bit. It's mainly Richard, the pets are staying with Shoe, then Dee and josh might beable to care for them a little while after that. I don't want to impose on my friends with my pets, but I've got a bit, they aren't as pressing concerns. Richard is pushing everything now because he ends up turning into a cring helpless child under stressful circumstanses and he's really more attached\emotionaly dependant to me then is healthy. If I would have broken up with him that night he would have killed himself. He's the only one that I think really would. He does need to get out, but fuck, it shouldn't have come to this like it has in the first place.
I feel bad feeling so happy right now tough. Richard is still back there and being treated like shit, his brother told him to go kill himself. What pisses me off though is that if it wasn't for me, he'd stay in that hell being miserable, letting them treat him like shit, making excuses for them and thinking he deserves it. Depression is a bad thing yeah,I've been through it,but even on his good days he doesn't stand up for himself,doesn't get mad,just gets upset about how they are being mean to him and if I get on to him for not standing up for himself get a very distressed "Why are you doing this to me!?" "I'm already feeling bad, why are you doing this to me!?" ...which is why we never end up talking about crap that needs to be talked about. Fuck! Don't just whine and get upset, DO something about it, be an adult not a whiney bitch. So he's basicly cring himself to sleep at nights now because no one is there for him. >_< Luke is there for him, I am there for him, richard just can't tell the differance between There and There, aparently people have to physcicaly be in his presence for it to count. It is pissing me off. He asked me like 9 times on the phone "What do you want me to do, What should I do?" Stop asking the same question over and over,more definiate answers aren't going to emerge the more you annoy me, Think for yourself and act like an adult, that's what I want you to do. I can't hold his hand through this stuff, he needs to grow up. Luke says his family has never treated him like an adult and I can see this, they have no respect for him, the don't respect him as an adult, they just treat him like crap because they can get away with it. His mother is telling people how she doesn't want him to leave. Little late now you stupid bitch, I don't know whether it is a control thing or what, because they certainly can't care for him the way they are supposed to as family. His brother keeps going on and on about how he's wasting his time comeing up here because I'm just going to leave him or cheat on him and he'lljust be stuck up here. What the hell is the differance between getting stuck up here or down there except less miserable living arangements and a chance at actualy doing something with your life by being indipendant and not just eeking along? I do not expect him to make it that well in life, he will always be a blue collar worker, he's not stupid but he just doesn't have the drive to go after things himself and needs someone telling him what to do to do better. The only thing he does well on his own is find a blue collar type job. Hell, even if we do brake up, atleast, hopefully, he will have learned some of the skills needed to be able to live on his own and take care of the things that need taking care of. He's going to have to because him being irrisponsible is no longer an option.
He did talk to his dad who wants to help, his dad has a friend who owes him and owns several houses, we'd have free rent for like a year ...in new orleans, in the same couple blocks as his family. I can see the vicious cycle before it even happens. No I am not living in that area again and I'm not going to let the cycle start over and he would let it, that is the thing. No, I feel happy again for nearly the only time in the past 2 years. I'm not giving it up again. I moved down there for him, he can move for me, it's his turn. He's going to grow up whether he likes it or not.
The housing thing is still fuzzy. Went to a place that my grandma sent me to and she'd already rented it out. The other place that is an option still has someone in it and it would be a month or more just to find out if she really is going to get out, we'd be able to move in immediatly after she did though. The apartments in hammond would be more definate and a little sooner but I really want to stay here, the drive in nearly an hour from denham. If It wasn't for Richard and the pets, I'd just gypsy about a little bit. It's mainly Richard, the pets are staying with Shoe, then Dee and josh might beable to care for them a little while after that. I don't want to impose on my friends with my pets, but I've got a bit, they aren't as pressing concerns. Richard is pushing everything now because he ends up turning into a cring helpless child under stressful circumstanses and he's really more attached\emotionaly dependant to me then is healthy. If I would have broken up with him that night he would have killed himself. He's the only one that I think really would. He does need to get out, but fuck, it shouldn't have come to this like it has in the first place.
I feel bad feeling so happy right now tough. Richard is still back there and being treated like shit, his brother told him to go kill himself. What pisses me off though is that if it wasn't for me, he'd stay in that hell being miserable, letting them treat him like shit, making excuses for them and thinking he deserves it. Depression is a bad thing yeah,I've been through it,but even on his good days he doesn't stand up for himself,doesn't get mad,just gets upset about how they are being mean to him and if I get on to him for not standing up for himself get a very distressed "Why are you doing this to me!?" "I'm already feeling bad, why are you doing this to me!?" ...which is why we never end up talking about crap that needs to be talked about. Fuck! Don't just whine and get upset, DO something about it, be an adult not a whiney bitch. So he's basicly cring himself to sleep at nights now because no one is there for him. >_< Luke is there for him, I am there for him, richard just can't tell the differance between There and There, aparently people have to physcicaly be in his presence for it to count. It is pissing me off. He asked me like 9 times on the phone "What do you want me to do, What should I do?" Stop asking the same question over and over,more definiate answers aren't going to emerge the more you annoy me, Think for yourself and act like an adult, that's what I want you to do. I can't hold his hand through this stuff, he needs to grow up. Luke says his family has never treated him like an adult and I can see this, they have no respect for him, the don't respect him as an adult, they just treat him like crap because they can get away with it. His mother is telling people how she doesn't want him to leave. Little late now you stupid bitch, I don't know whether it is a control thing or what, because they certainly can't care for him the way they are supposed to as family. His brother keeps going on and on about how he's wasting his time comeing up here because I'm just going to leave him or cheat on him and he'lljust be stuck up here. What the hell is the differance between getting stuck up here or down there except less miserable living arangements and a chance at actualy doing something with your life by being indipendant and not just eeking along? I do not expect him to make it that well in life, he will always be a blue collar worker, he's not stupid but he just doesn't have the drive to go after things himself and needs someone telling him what to do to do better. The only thing he does well on his own is find a blue collar type job. Hell, even if we do brake up, atleast, hopefully, he will have learned some of the skills needed to be able to live on his own and take care of the things that need taking care of. He's going to have to because him being irrisponsible is no longer an option.
He did talk to his dad who wants to help, his dad has a friend who owes him and owns several houses, we'd have free rent for like a year ...in new orleans, in the same couple blocks as his family. I can see the vicious cycle before it even happens. No I am not living in that area again and I'm not going to let the cycle start over and he would let it, that is the thing. No, I feel happy again for nearly the only time in the past 2 years. I'm not giving it up again. I moved down there for him, he can move for me, it's his turn. He's going to grow up whether he likes it or not.