Nausea and monkeys on bikes
I've been nauseous all day, from the moment I woke up to right now. No matter what I eat or don't eat, I still feel like curling over the toilet and giving offerings to the porcelain gods.
But in the meantime, here's an interesting bit of cinema for you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQgAMkMmsfg
I also have a commentary regarding this film,
First of all, what the hell kind of title is "One Got Fat?" Especially when you're discussing the horrible, albeit interesting, ways these poor child--err, monkeys die. Also, notice how often boredom comes into play.
"At this point, Rooty Toot Jasperson left the party."
Rooty rides ahead of the group, takes a break from making signals with his arm, and is hit by a truck. This kid wanted to be the first for everything. Now he's the first to die! Hahah! [cue laughtrack]
"Exit Tinkerbell McDillanfitty. She forgot, now and then."
How'd you like to have this up on your gravestone? Tink is such a happy fuckwit that her mind wanders, she blows through a stop sign, and is hit by a truck. No kidding, a god damn truck!
"Phillip Floogal is no longer bored."
Fuckable Floog has only one flaw: he gets bored. In fact, he gets so bored, he decides to ride against traffic, and gets hit by a car pulling out of a parking stop. From the narrator's description, you'd think everybody would want to get into Floog's pants. Of course now, being dead and all, only some members of the community want in his pants.
"Farewell, Mossby Pomegranate: Victim of Fallen Arches."
First, this poor bastard gets his bike stolen. Then, his friends ditch him because he has to run his ass to the park instead of bike like the rest of his pals. This kid just can't get a break. Though, you'll notice how he's not hit by a vehicle of some sort because of his dumbassery? And I think I'd rather be the "victim of fallen arches" than the "victim of speeding truck."
"So long, fellows. There seems to be a flaw in the buddy system."
Trigby's the sad victim of his fat-ass friend, ironically dubbed "Slim." Slim's big ass can no longer hold his bike, so it breaks, and Trigby's nice enough to give Slim a lift on his. What happens next can be blamed squarely on Slim's bulky shoulders: Trigby starts getting worn out, and he can't see around him, so he drives the bike right into an open manhole. Despite Slim's warnings, Trigby drives into the open manhole.
Which further begs the question: why is there an open manhole in the middle of a residential street anyway? Isn't that unsafe for children at play, whether or not they're being dumbasses and driving their bikes with their fat friends on front? Trigby's final moments just suck. Of course, his life has probably sucked a lot up to this point, so maybe he rode into the manhole on purpose just to end his suck-ass existence. . . and take his fat friend with him.
But I still blame Slim. Just look at that guilty bastard's face. He knows it's his fault.
"Nelbit Szwibak got her one good reason."
Nel has a hard time sharing the road with the few comrades she has left, so she goes up onto the sidewalk to have some space to herself. You'd think in the wake of all this tragedy she would be glad these few are still alive. Nope! She rides on the sidewalk and hits some pedestrians, killing herself in the process. That'll teach you, you greedy bitch!
"Now Filbert would be the first to agree that if it's worth riding, it's worth taking care of."
At least, if he weren't dead. Hahah! [cue laughtrack] Filbert doesn't take care of his bike, and the bike takes its revenge: the brakes fail and Filbert's run over by a steam roller. Though I have to admit, it's a lot cooler dying by steam roller than by some plain ol' car. Way to take it all the way, Filbert!
"Stanislaw just wasn't quite bright enough."
Stan doesn't want to bike the extra two blocks to the park. Instead, this genius is going to ride through the tunnel. The dark tunnel. Without reflectors of lights on his bike. Of course, none of the other cars have their lights on, either. Stan was fucked from the beginning.
Which leaves us with. . .
Orville. That's right. This boy isn't some stupid ape. He's a human boy, incapable of being as silly and death-prone as the other children. Plus, he gets all those lunches! Sure, it's a little lonely, but who needs friends who are monkeys anyway?
I also can't help noticing how. . . out of place Orville looks among the others. First of all, "monkeys?" That sounds like a black slur to me. Second, even though he's forced to eat lunch all by himself, he's smiling. The look in his eyes. . . he looks a little too happy. He's grinning at the camera! How do we know he didn't try to mess up half of them just to steal their lunches? We shouldn't be praising this little brat, we should be hiding our own lunches and fearing his wrath!
But I digress. . . Here's what we learn from today's video:
Make signals. . . or DIE!!
Watch signs. . . or DIE!!
Keep right. . . or DIE!!
Register your bike. . . or get ditched. *
Ride alone. . . or DIE!! **
Yield. . . or DIE!!
Tune up. . . or DIE!!
Get lights and reflectors. . . or DIE!!
*Yeah, not nearly as effective as the others. Besides Orville, Mossby was the only kid not to die, so I guess this is the kind of thing you can get away with doing. So I guess the moral is:
Register your bike. . . and DIE!!
**Which, to be fair, was the fat kid's fault. So: Be a mooching fat ass. . . and DIE!! Stay thin and generous, kids, or you'll kill yourself and your friend!
And now, to curl back up into bed and try not to vomit the food I just ate! Be safe, and don't go riding bikes with monkeys. Unless you want to steal some extra lunches.
~Nacht Val
"Right? Right."
But in the meantime, here's an interesting bit of cinema for you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQgAMkMmsfg
I also have a commentary regarding this film,
First of all, what the hell kind of title is "One Got Fat?" Especially when you're discussing the horrible, albeit interesting, ways these poor child--err, monkeys die. Also, notice how often boredom comes into play.
"At this point, Rooty Toot Jasperson left the party."
Rooty rides ahead of the group, takes a break from making signals with his arm, and is hit by a truck. This kid wanted to be the first for everything. Now he's the first to die! Hahah! [cue laughtrack]
"Exit Tinkerbell McDillanfitty. She forgot, now and then."
How'd you like to have this up on your gravestone? Tink is such a happy fuckwit that her mind wanders, she blows through a stop sign, and is hit by a truck. No kidding, a god damn truck!
"Phillip Floogal is no longer bored."
Fuckable Floog has only one flaw: he gets bored. In fact, he gets so bored, he decides to ride against traffic, and gets hit by a car pulling out of a parking stop. From the narrator's description, you'd think everybody would want to get into Floog's pants. Of course now, being dead and all, only some members of the community want in his pants.
"Farewell, Mossby Pomegranate: Victim of Fallen Arches."
First, this poor bastard gets his bike stolen. Then, his friends ditch him because he has to run his ass to the park instead of bike like the rest of his pals. This kid just can't get a break. Though, you'll notice how he's not hit by a vehicle of some sort because of his dumbassery? And I think I'd rather be the "victim of fallen arches" than the "victim of speeding truck."
"So long, fellows. There seems to be a flaw in the buddy system."
Trigby's the sad victim of his fat-ass friend, ironically dubbed "Slim." Slim's big ass can no longer hold his bike, so it breaks, and Trigby's nice enough to give Slim a lift on his. What happens next can be blamed squarely on Slim's bulky shoulders: Trigby starts getting worn out, and he can't see around him, so he drives the bike right into an open manhole. Despite Slim's warnings, Trigby drives into the open manhole.
Which further begs the question: why is there an open manhole in the middle of a residential street anyway? Isn't that unsafe for children at play, whether or not they're being dumbasses and driving their bikes with their fat friends on front? Trigby's final moments just suck. Of course, his life has probably sucked a lot up to this point, so maybe he rode into the manhole on purpose just to end his suck-ass existence. . . and take his fat friend with him.
But I still blame Slim. Just look at that guilty bastard's face. He knows it's his fault.
"Nelbit Szwibak got her one good reason."
Nel has a hard time sharing the road with the few comrades she has left, so she goes up onto the sidewalk to have some space to herself. You'd think in the wake of all this tragedy she would be glad these few are still alive. Nope! She rides on the sidewalk and hits some pedestrians, killing herself in the process. That'll teach you, you greedy bitch!
"Now Filbert would be the first to agree that if it's worth riding, it's worth taking care of."
At least, if he weren't dead. Hahah! [cue laughtrack] Filbert doesn't take care of his bike, and the bike takes its revenge: the brakes fail and Filbert's run over by a steam roller. Though I have to admit, it's a lot cooler dying by steam roller than by some plain ol' car. Way to take it all the way, Filbert!
"Stanislaw just wasn't quite bright enough."
Stan doesn't want to bike the extra two blocks to the park. Instead, this genius is going to ride through the tunnel. The dark tunnel. Without reflectors of lights on his bike. Of course, none of the other cars have their lights on, either. Stan was fucked from the beginning.
Which leaves us with. . .
Orville. That's right. This boy isn't some stupid ape. He's a human boy, incapable of being as silly and death-prone as the other children. Plus, he gets all those lunches! Sure, it's a little lonely, but who needs friends who are monkeys anyway?
I also can't help noticing how. . . out of place Orville looks among the others. First of all, "monkeys?" That sounds like a black slur to me. Second, even though he's forced to eat lunch all by himself, he's smiling. The look in his eyes. . . he looks a little too happy. He's grinning at the camera! How do we know he didn't try to mess up half of them just to steal their lunches? We shouldn't be praising this little brat, we should be hiding our own lunches and fearing his wrath!
But I digress. . . Here's what we learn from today's video:
Make signals. . . or DIE!!
Watch signs. . . or DIE!!
Keep right. . . or DIE!!
Register your bike. . . or get ditched. *
Ride alone. . . or DIE!! **
Yield. . . or DIE!!
Tune up. . . or DIE!!
Get lights and reflectors. . . or DIE!!
*Yeah, not nearly as effective as the others. Besides Orville, Mossby was the only kid not to die, so I guess this is the kind of thing you can get away with doing. So I guess the moral is:
Register your bike. . . and DIE!!
**Which, to be fair, was the fat kid's fault. So: Be a mooching fat ass. . . and DIE!! Stay thin and generous, kids, or you'll kill yourself and your friend!
And now, to curl back up into bed and try not to vomit the food I just ate! Be safe, and don't go riding bikes with monkeys. Unless you want to steal some extra lunches.
~Nacht Val
"Right? Right."