My Love
I'd never heard my father cry before. He's always been the strong, resilient man I've grown to revere and he always hid his feelings well with big smiles and laughter. My friends have always told me I put the feelings of another before my own, hiding my sadness and anger for the sake of keeping the calm and letting the other have peace. Like father, like daughter. Who I am now can be attributed to my father's parenting (which set everything in motion thereafter), and if I'm anything like my father at all, I'd like to think I turned out okay.
Most of you know from my past entries how much I love my father and how close we are. To me, it's not the typical, "He's my father and he raised me therefore I respect him" kind of a relationship. To me, it's so much more. Not as a daughter but as a human being, I am indebted to him for all of his love, his grace, and life lessons. I've dedicated an entry to him here.
My father tries to provide a buffer between me and any kind of hurt/bad news as much as he can. He's kept secrets from me about his poor health condition as well as my mother's many times. This is just like him, considering he doesn't wish for me to be sad. But this time is a tad different. Just a few minutes ago, after hearing him break down over the phone, I felt my whole world shift. My grandmother had to be transferred to the hospital this morning and my parents and grandfather have been there all day. Upon hearing news that she has cancer and it may possibly be too late, he called me to tell me the news. They won't know all of the details until Wednesday.
When he called me this morning telling me I needn't go up to Los Angeles to see them for my bi-monthly visit because of her condition, I truly believed everything would be okay. I guess I was in denial because I didn't want to think anything could hurt my grandmother. She was sick quite some time ago and survived it, and I wrote my thoughts about that here. To find out that my grandmother, a woman who'd raised me, a person I treasure as much as I treasure my father -- is in such a condition, tears me up inside. And having to hear my father cry uncontrollably on the other line, to have to console someone who's consoled me all of my life -- I just don't know how to react to that.
Hearing that someone I love so achingly may possibly pass on soon, and hearing my own father, the pillar, the rock of the family break down like I'd never seen, is too much to take, given my already fragile state. And knowing that the only person I can lean on is the very person who needs me there, makes me feel . . . so alone.
But . . . it's not about me right now; it's about being there for my family. About being that pillar of strength, the rock, the support my parents and family members need.
I love you, grandma. Don't worry; everything will be fine. I know God is keeping a watchful eye on you.
I love you, dad. Please be strong . . . grandma needs you to be. We all need you to be.