attention
I could not sleep last night. All I could think of were all those hate or bashing comments I got anonymosly (spelling error I'm sure) in my livejournal. I'm deeply considering making my lj FRIENDS ONLY.
I know many of those comments were simply to open my already wide-rimmed eyes. But one of them went too far where I was called a psycho. Now, what's most disturbing about that happens to be that I know this person and I'm left wondering who have I let into my life that could be so malicious as to write that?
It's racking my brain to the point of nausea. Who would do such a thing, when if they know me, they would comprehend that my lj was opened as a place for me to vent without hurting anyone and that I AM GETTING HELP FOR MY DISORDERS.
An individual I would know (actually in person) would understand that I have disorders and that my lj is a place for me to scream out whether im lucid or not.
Now, just so no one gets the wrong idea about why I chose to go on livejournal, it's simple:
-I knew too many people on melo and felt like I was choking since I had to watch what I said
-I wanted a place to go where no one could hurt me
-I wanted a place to go where I could scream out ANYTHING on my mind, and since I've discovered I have all these disorders, I mainly felt livejournal was a place where I could say what I needed to say, whether I was in a fit or not, or fully comprehending what I was writing.
It was supposed to be a place where I could escape all the hurt and malice of other people.
But now I learn that was probably asking too much.
I know that I need help, hence the fact that I'm in councelling, on a waiting list to see a child psychologist, taking new medication that do not have the horrible side-effects of my previous med called Paxil (psychiatrists, TWO psychiatrists, agreed that it was too dangerous for a teenager to take), and I'm even out of school so that I can complete the semester on my own terms and get out of everyone's way
And I know that I AM THE CAUSE OF ROB LEAVING ME! Dear Lord, I'm screaming it out. But no one knows what its like to have people CONSTANTLY telling you that the person you love more than anything else in the world was the one who manipulated and toyed with your head and simply "played you good".
You dont know what it is like having to tell them over and over again that it was YOU who did everything, it was YOU who manipulated and pushed and dragged them through the dirt. It hurts so much to know I hurt him so bad.
But I'm TRYING to put things right. I got myself expelled from St. Mary's so now he can have back his life and not have to worry about me being there, and I'm probably never going to get to see him again, but I know its for HIS BEST because ever since I've been out of his life, things have been getting so much better for him.
And despite how much it kills me, I know I have to STAY out of his life. Of course I'll talk to him, but I pushed myself out of his life to HELP HIM.
I was in no emotional state to get myself into a relationship, I was on a medication that was toxic to my thinking and I had mood disorders I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT. I did things that I couldnt control and it took so long for me to call him up and spill out that for years I have not been able to get into my own mind.
Its so hard to be scratching at your head only because you want BACK INSIDE. I want control of my mind back. That's why I'm doing everything I can to piece everything back together.
But the damage has been done. I miss Rob like hell, and he told me he missed me, but I know things are for the best because now he can truly be happy and find the woman that will make him happy in all the ways that I could not.
And yes, I know I've ruined all chances of ever being with him again. I know that I RUINED THEM FOR MYSELF. No one else did it..I did.
That last entry I wrote, I was being timed with half an hour, wasnt lucid (had fits that day) and I could hardly understand what I was even writing. I forget completely what I was even wrote.
I'm trying to get better.
Lord knows, I pray to him so many times a day, that I AM TRYING and I truthfully dont need all those bashing hate comments. So if you are going to be signing my livejournal, you have to be a registered livejournal user and please, take care in thinking about what you are writing.
Is it truly something that will be helping me, or just something to help you get your frustration out on me?
Thank you
Oh, and what do I hope to acheive in my councelling sessions?
-->To gain my life back through finding purpose to live and gain trust from my family so that I can gain control of my life safely
-->To be able to push my feelings for Rob out of my mind and fully accept that I did horrible things, we hurt eachother (mainly I hurt him and thus caused hurt on myself), and it is best if I don't think of my feelings for him, thus making things right like before I entered the picture
-->Find alternative coping skills for my mood disorder which was/is self-mutilation
-->Learn to fully function with my mood disorder and gain positive and halthy control of my mind
-->Learn to function in every day life and become emotionally mature with my mood disorder which will be fully examined through psychological analysis
-->Find self-respect in healthy forms, meaning no cutting
-->Learn to accept my faults and work on accepting myself as Sophie and cease hiding behind my pesona of Ophelia from Shakespear's Hamlet.
I know many of those comments were simply to open my already wide-rimmed eyes. But one of them went too far where I was called a psycho. Now, what's most disturbing about that happens to be that I know this person and I'm left wondering who have I let into my life that could be so malicious as to write that?
It's racking my brain to the point of nausea. Who would do such a thing, when if they know me, they would comprehend that my lj was opened as a place for me to vent without hurting anyone and that I AM GETTING HELP FOR MY DISORDERS.
An individual I would know (actually in person) would understand that I have disorders and that my lj is a place for me to scream out whether im lucid or not.
Now, just so no one gets the wrong idea about why I chose to go on livejournal, it's simple:
-I knew too many people on melo and felt like I was choking since I had to watch what I said
-I wanted a place to go where no one could hurt me
-I wanted a place to go where I could scream out ANYTHING on my mind, and since I've discovered I have all these disorders, I mainly felt livejournal was a place where I could say what I needed to say, whether I was in a fit or not, or fully comprehending what I was writing.
It was supposed to be a place where I could escape all the hurt and malice of other people.
But now I learn that was probably asking too much.
I know that I need help, hence the fact that I'm in councelling, on a waiting list to see a child psychologist, taking new medication that do not have the horrible side-effects of my previous med called Paxil (psychiatrists, TWO psychiatrists, agreed that it was too dangerous for a teenager to take), and I'm even out of school so that I can complete the semester on my own terms and get out of everyone's way
And I know that I AM THE CAUSE OF ROB LEAVING ME! Dear Lord, I'm screaming it out. But no one knows what its like to have people CONSTANTLY telling you that the person you love more than anything else in the world was the one who manipulated and toyed with your head and simply "played you good".
You dont know what it is like having to tell them over and over again that it was YOU who did everything, it was YOU who manipulated and pushed and dragged them through the dirt. It hurts so much to know I hurt him so bad.
But I'm TRYING to put things right. I got myself expelled from St. Mary's so now he can have back his life and not have to worry about me being there, and I'm probably never going to get to see him again, but I know its for HIS BEST because ever since I've been out of his life, things have been getting so much better for him.
And despite how much it kills me, I know I have to STAY out of his life. Of course I'll talk to him, but I pushed myself out of his life to HELP HIM.
I was in no emotional state to get myself into a relationship, I was on a medication that was toxic to my thinking and I had mood disorders I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT. I did things that I couldnt control and it took so long for me to call him up and spill out that for years I have not been able to get into my own mind.
Its so hard to be scratching at your head only because you want BACK INSIDE. I want control of my mind back. That's why I'm doing everything I can to piece everything back together.
But the damage has been done. I miss Rob like hell, and he told me he missed me, but I know things are for the best because now he can truly be happy and find the woman that will make him happy in all the ways that I could not.
And yes, I know I've ruined all chances of ever being with him again. I know that I RUINED THEM FOR MYSELF. No one else did it..I did.
That last entry I wrote, I was being timed with half an hour, wasnt lucid (had fits that day) and I could hardly understand what I was even writing. I forget completely what I was even wrote.
I'm trying to get better.
Lord knows, I pray to him so many times a day, that I AM TRYING and I truthfully dont need all those bashing hate comments. So if you are going to be signing my livejournal, you have to be a registered livejournal user and please, take care in thinking about what you are writing.
Is it truly something that will be helping me, or just something to help you get your frustration out on me?
Thank you
Oh, and what do I hope to acheive in my councelling sessions?
-->To gain my life back through finding purpose to live and gain trust from my family so that I can gain control of my life safely
-->To be able to push my feelings for Rob out of my mind and fully accept that I did horrible things, we hurt eachother (mainly I hurt him and thus caused hurt on myself), and it is best if I don't think of my feelings for him, thus making things right like before I entered the picture
-->Find alternative coping skills for my mood disorder which was/is self-mutilation
-->Learn to fully function with my mood disorder and gain positive and halthy control of my mind
-->Learn to function in every day life and become emotionally mature with my mood disorder which will be fully examined through psychological analysis
-->Find self-respect in healthy forms, meaning no cutting
-->Learn to accept my faults and work on accepting myself as Sophie and cease hiding behind my pesona of Ophelia from Shakespear's Hamlet.