Excuse Me While I Kill Myself
Well I know I haven't updated in a really long time, but it is mainly because of the fact that I have been so busy in every area of my life. It has been really hard for me lately with school and home life and constantly having things to do, but that hardest thing has been dealing with my situation at work. CC and I started talking more a few weeks ago and we really hit it off, I was super excited, but later that week he met a young lady and started dating her. Since then he talks to me less and of course he is always with her. I had been hopeful at the beginning that we would have a good friendship, but I knew that I needed to back away now that he had Keely. And of course I have known that Rion was never available to me and I've always made it a point for him to never know about it. Unfortunately, last night all hell broke loose. I was talking to CC and I mentioned a dream that I had about him and that I had dreamt about Rion. CC has always known about my affections and I had confessed to him a lot about them before he met Keely, I don't know why I told him this last night though, I really don't...I guess I just felt like I could still be frank with him. I didn't mean anything by it at all, but CC went off on me and before I knew it I was being called a b**ch and a whore and I was teased a little for being a cutter and all that. I was told to get a life and other unkind things...I really don't want to go into detail at this point. I was so horrified and I felt terrible because I knew CC was right. I told him that he was right and I thanked him for roughly bringing it to my attention because maybe it was what I needed to get over all of this. Well shortly after this Mica, Rion's young lady, IMs me and confronts me about my "obsession" with Rion and CC. I was so terrified because I knew that Mica and Keely both were going to hate me, and I felt so horrible because even though I never meant anything by it, I knew it really could have been taken that way and I certainly didn't blame them for doing so. Mica and I talked for a while. She told me that She and Keely and Rion had been with CC during the discussion and that CC hadn't said all of those things, that some of it was them. Wow. Rion had been there and so had Keely and Mica...I had totally exposed my feelings for Rion and had said what I said in front of their ladies. Again, I knew that I wasn't trying to take anyone away from anyone else, but what I had said was still uncalled for and I don't know what possessed me to say it. I explained that I had feelings for both boys, but that I was never trying to take anyone away and that I actually never wanted Rion to know about it. I told Mica that as my old friends left me and Eric and I drifted apart I reached out more to Ri and CC, so it became harder to hide my feelings. I told her that was not an excuse, but that my intentions were not ill for anyone and that I never wanted to harm anyone or any relationship. She became less harsh with me and forgave me. She even said that she understood my lonliness and desperation. We connected on a few common music interests and things seem to be understood and patched up between us. Unfortunately, things haven't been patched up with Keely yet, and I am really upset because what I said talked more about CC than Rion. I really want to straighten things out with her too, but I'm scared...And then Rion. He knows about me! Well he got online shortly after I finished talking to Mica. The first thing he did was IM me and ask if I was alright. I told him it was just a few leftover tears...but it wasn't anymore...As soon as he got online i started bawling because I knew that my cover was blown and that he would never want to speak to me again....But he didn't treat me that way. He said he had known about it for a while, that he could sense it. He said that he understood what happened, that it wasn't a big deal, and he was still my friend and it wasn't going to change a thing between us. This made me feel somewhat relieved. We talked until about 2:15 this morning about all sorts of stuff, mostly Geo's and me apologizing and telling him that he was never supposed to know about this. I am still scared about Keely, I really am. I feel terrible about this whole thing and I have no one to blame but myself for it all. I was stupid and I won't deny it at all. I knew for a long time I needed to get my head over my heart and I didn't do it. Because of that I have made life tough for people I really do care about, and I have hurt two very special young ladies. Even though I never meant any harm by any of it and I was just lonely, it doesn't matter. I hurt people, and that was wrong. I never want it to happen again. After this horrible situation I don't think it will either, and my sincerest apologies go out to everyone. Cheers to you all!