i see that you don't love me anymore, but i just don't understand why
i auditioned for macbeth yesterday
today i got called back
me and josh and the boys are going on a camping trip, we're leaving friday morning
i talked to cor and it made me happy to think about when i used to live in new jersey and make fun of people with corinne and not play volleyball in gym class, and read dirty books in english.
i thought for a while that living here was making me happy, and that i'd be ok
but ever since i came back from england and started school things have changed...and i'm not happy and i hate pretending like i am just because of josh
i don't want to be unhappy around him, but i don't think i can hold back any more crying
he dosn't say i love you anymore, unless of course i force it out of him by saying it to him first.
and i'm sick of doing that cause i don't want to hear it if he dosn't mean it, and i wouldn't even mind him not saying it anymore if i could still see that he loves me, but i can't tell anymore. and i should be able to tell, if he loves me i should know it without him having to say it and i don't. i can't beleive things changed so quickly in a couple of weeks. and i can't keep doing this.
i don't know how much longer this is gonna last, and i don't even think he wants it to, and it hurts like hell, and i wish more than anything now that i had never moved. I don't want to break up with him, i just want to know why he's stopped saying i love you, cause he's doing it on purpose and i know it. it seems like such a tiny thing, but hearing him say it means so much to me. and when he just stops doing it how do i respond to that? He dosn't even want anyone to know he loves me, he won't say it or show it in public or in front of his friends. I don't see how i can keep doing this it's just killing me. and if we did break up he'd be absolutley fucking fine and i would be hurt emotionally forever because this is so much more than just a silly little high school relationship...he saved me from being completely alone when i moved here and made me feel like i wasn't completely worthless, and made me feel that someone maybe wants to have more to do with me than just to use me as a play thing. I don't want to just be discarded again. especially by him...and i'm so scared that i was wrong about yet another guy , thinking they're good when really they don't care. and i know him so i know he's not like that, he couldn't be i know that, i just need to know what the fuck is going on, i'm so lost and confused and i don't know where to go or who to look to or talk to.
i really want his love and support right now i need it, but i feel like every time i want to go up to him and tell him what's going on in my life and say josh i had a really bad day he just won't want to hear it. If it were to end like this...how could i look back on it as something good...i don't see it that way...fuck how did i get to this point in my life where i honestly can't beleive that someone can love me
today i got called back
me and josh and the boys are going on a camping trip, we're leaving friday morning
i talked to cor and it made me happy to think about when i used to live in new jersey and make fun of people with corinne and not play volleyball in gym class, and read dirty books in english.
i thought for a while that living here was making me happy, and that i'd be ok
but ever since i came back from england and started school things have changed...and i'm not happy and i hate pretending like i am just because of josh
i don't want to be unhappy around him, but i don't think i can hold back any more crying
he dosn't say i love you anymore, unless of course i force it out of him by saying it to him first.
and i'm sick of doing that cause i don't want to hear it if he dosn't mean it, and i wouldn't even mind him not saying it anymore if i could still see that he loves me, but i can't tell anymore. and i should be able to tell, if he loves me i should know it without him having to say it and i don't. i can't beleive things changed so quickly in a couple of weeks. and i can't keep doing this.
i don't know how much longer this is gonna last, and i don't even think he wants it to, and it hurts like hell, and i wish more than anything now that i had never moved. I don't want to break up with him, i just want to know why he's stopped saying i love you, cause he's doing it on purpose and i know it. it seems like such a tiny thing, but hearing him say it means so much to me. and when he just stops doing it how do i respond to that? He dosn't even want anyone to know he loves me, he won't say it or show it in public or in front of his friends. I don't see how i can keep doing this it's just killing me. and if we did break up he'd be absolutley fucking fine and i would be hurt emotionally forever because this is so much more than just a silly little high school relationship...he saved me from being completely alone when i moved here and made me feel like i wasn't completely worthless, and made me feel that someone maybe wants to have more to do with me than just to use me as a play thing. I don't want to just be discarded again. especially by him...and i'm so scared that i was wrong about yet another guy , thinking they're good when really they don't care. and i know him so i know he's not like that, he couldn't be i know that, i just need to know what the fuck is going on, i'm so lost and confused and i don't know where to go or who to look to or talk to.
i really want his love and support right now i need it, but i feel like every time i want to go up to him and tell him what's going on in my life and say josh i had a really bad day he just won't want to hear it. If it were to end like this...how could i look back on it as something good...i don't see it that way...fuck how did i get to this point in my life where i honestly can't beleive that someone can love me