A sporking of my own writing :D
When I was about eight years old, I got a blank book for Christmas. I used it to write a book about a princess who dreams that she's a queen. Basically the entire plot of the book is what happens during her dream. I thought it was awesome when I was eight. Now I bring it out when I want a good laugh, because NOTHING makes any sense in this book, starting with the first chapter, which I will reproduce here and commentate on. Original text is normal, my comments are in bold. Oh, and all spelling and grammatical errors are left intact, although there really aren't very many.
THE DREAM OF QUIARILLA
Note: her name is pronounced with a long "i" in "qui", so it rhymes with "pie". Not "quee-arilla".
Chapter 1: The Jungle Princess
Quiarilla was a jungle princess.
I'm not entirely sure why I made her a jungle princess...
Quiarilla didn't want to be a jungle princess. She said:
"I'm NOT FIT for JUNGLE WORK!"
okay since when do princesses--at least fictional princesses--work?
So she packed her crown, some accsesories (sic), and some clothes and some toys.
What, no food?
She had brought a map that would tell her where she would go and how to get there. She had plenty of coconuts, bananas, pears, apples and grapes just in case she got hungry. (Oh, so she did bring food. Funny, too, that's the kind of stuff I liked as a kid...) And if she ran out--well, nothing a ladder and picker can't do! So, she packed that.
I'm wondering how the hell she carries the ladder, even one of those folding ones is pretty damn heavy, especially for an eight-year-old. BTW Qui is pretty much the same age I was when I wrote this.
"Well, I'm all set!" Quiarilla said.
Mary Sue Quiarilla then left.
Quiarilla walked farther and faster with every step. She ate everything in 6 hours (apparently when I was eight I thought six hours was a fuckass long time to go without food)--the apples, the bannanas (sic), the pears, peaches, plums, coconuts, grapes, everything. (Wait, where'd the peaches and plums come from?) So she got her ladder out and her picker.
"Oo, an apple tree!"
She shook the tree as hard as she could. But nothing came down. She shook harder. Still nothing came down.
"Oh! The picker 'n' ladder! Why didn't I think of that before...?"
Um, you did...
While she was talking (to whom?), she didn't know that Juajua (pronounced "wah-wah"), King of the Jungle, was following her.
"Wreched (sic) princess! Someday soon, she'll be crowned Queen, and rule much more better than I!" he said. ("Much more better?" :/ ) "Grrowrr, I know what I'll do! I'll make her get lost! But first I'll need a map--AHAA! there's one now."
I like how he just comes across a map as soon as he needs one. Wish that worked in real life. I need five hundred dollars. *waits* God dammit.
So the Jungle king, really a lion, went over to the princess. (BTW it should be noted that Juajua is NOT Quiarilla's father. For, um, obvious reasons.)
He had dressed himself to look like a poor peddler-man.
When did he find the time--and the clothing--to do this?
"Good day, my fine young miss," he said. (I'm imagining him speaking with a very pompous British accent.) "I must say, what a fine dress you have on! As for me," he continued, "I'm lost! Er--can you tell me..."
"The way to the finest cave in the world?" geussed (sic) Quiarilla.
"No!--I mean, yes, my sweet li'l punkin!" the King said, a bit too sweetly.
"Use my map," said the princess. "It will tell you how to get there."
When the King got away, he said, "At last! (My love will come along...) When I get my hands on that crown..."
wait a second, you're ALREADY a king, so...
"But he never will!" said Quiarilla. "I've given him a--promise not to tell--" and then, in her quietest voice, she said "FAKE MAP!" She continued, "I knew it was the King. I could tell by the one bracelet he always wears."
Wait, how did she know what Juajua said and who the hell is she talking to?
Meanwhile, the King was running this way and that, trying to get to the cave--er--castle.
"I'm sure I passed that rock 3 times already," he would say. "Where've I seen that tree before? Oh, I've passed it 22 times already! I think I'm lost!"
Really? It took you 22 passes of that same tree to figure that out?
The princess looked at her map. (I'm assuming this isn't the one she gave Juajua.) "Go 9 steps from apple tree to big rock," she thought. Soon she came to a big rock. "This must be it," she said. (Apparently there were no other big rocks in the vicinity.) "Take 11 steps from big rock to grape vine." Soon she came to a vine with egg-shaped berries on it. She tasted one.
Yeah, I know when I come across fruit that I'm not sure what it is, the first thing I do is eat it.
"Yes (yum), this is it," she said. But her mouth was so full of grapes it sounded like "Yeth, thith ith it!" (Wait, full of grapes? I thought she only ate one.) Quiarilla soon got to the castle. And the King--he was still trying to find it!
Again--you're already a king. Not sure why you're so adamant about getting the crown before Qui does.
He got to the castle too, but it took him 48 hours (I'd have given up after, like, two) while it had taken Quiarilla 48 minutes!
"I now pronounce you," said the royal crowner, "The Queen!"
Quiarilla stood up. "Thank you, my friends," she said, curtsying.
Then the crown was placed atop Quiarilla's head.
Wait, so she just showed up at this other castle and they crowned her Queen? I... what? Did the original ruler die and they didn't have an heir, or something? "Hey, what should we do about the fact that we don't have a ruler?" "Eh, just crown the first random kid who comes along." "I see absolutely nothing that could possibly go wrong with that plan."
And that's the end of the first chapter.
THE DREAM OF QUIARILLA
Note: her name is pronounced with a long "i" in "qui", so it rhymes with "pie". Not "quee-arilla".
Chapter 1: The Jungle Princess
Quiarilla was a jungle princess.
I'm not entirely sure why I made her a jungle princess...
Quiarilla didn't want to be a jungle princess. She said:
"I'm NOT FIT for JUNGLE WORK!"
okay since when do princesses--at least fictional princesses--work?
So she packed her crown, some accsesories (sic), and some clothes and some toys.
What, no food?
She had brought a map that would tell her where she would go and how to get there. She had plenty of coconuts, bananas, pears, apples and grapes just in case she got hungry. (Oh, so she did bring food. Funny, too, that's the kind of stuff I liked as a kid...) And if she ran out--well, nothing a ladder and picker can't do! So, she packed that.
I'm wondering how the hell she carries the ladder, even one of those folding ones is pretty damn heavy, especially for an eight-year-old. BTW Qui is pretty much the same age I was when I wrote this.
"Well, I'm all set!" Quiarilla said.
Mary Sue Quiarilla then left.
Quiarilla walked farther and faster with every step. She ate everything in 6 hours (apparently when I was eight I thought six hours was a fuckass long time to go without food)--the apples, the bannanas (sic), the pears, peaches, plums, coconuts, grapes, everything. (Wait, where'd the peaches and plums come from?) So she got her ladder out and her picker.
"Oo, an apple tree!"
She shook the tree as hard as she could. But nothing came down. She shook harder. Still nothing came down.
"Oh! The picker 'n' ladder! Why didn't I think of that before...?"
Um, you did...
While she was talking (to whom?), she didn't know that Juajua (pronounced "wah-wah"), King of the Jungle, was following her.
"Wreched (sic) princess! Someday soon, she'll be crowned Queen, and rule much more better than I!" he said. ("Much more better?" :/ ) "Grrowrr, I know what I'll do! I'll make her get lost! But first I'll need a map--AHAA! there's one now."
I like how he just comes across a map as soon as he needs one. Wish that worked in real life. I need five hundred dollars. *waits* God dammit.
So the Jungle king, really a lion, went over to the princess. (BTW it should be noted that Juajua is NOT Quiarilla's father. For, um, obvious reasons.)
He had dressed himself to look like a poor peddler-man.
When did he find the time--and the clothing--to do this?
"Good day, my fine young miss," he said. (I'm imagining him speaking with a very pompous British accent.) "I must say, what a fine dress you have on! As for me," he continued, "I'm lost! Er--can you tell me..."
"The way to the finest cave in the world?" geussed (sic) Quiarilla.
"No!--I mean, yes, my sweet li'l punkin!" the King said, a bit too sweetly.
"Use my map," said the princess. "It will tell you how to get there."
When the King got away, he said, "At last! (My love will come along...) When I get my hands on that crown..."
wait a second, you're ALREADY a king, so...
"But he never will!" said Quiarilla. "I've given him a--promise not to tell--" and then, in her quietest voice, she said "FAKE MAP!" She continued, "I knew it was the King. I could tell by the one bracelet he always wears."
Wait, how did she know what Juajua said and who the hell is she talking to?
Meanwhile, the King was running this way and that, trying to get to the cave--er--castle.
"I'm sure I passed that rock 3 times already," he would say. "Where've I seen that tree before? Oh, I've passed it 22 times already! I think I'm lost!"
Really? It took you 22 passes of that same tree to figure that out?
The princess looked at her map. (I'm assuming this isn't the one she gave Juajua.) "Go 9 steps from apple tree to big rock," she thought. Soon she came to a big rock. "This must be it," she said. (Apparently there were no other big rocks in the vicinity.) "Take 11 steps from big rock to grape vine." Soon she came to a vine with egg-shaped berries on it. She tasted one.
Yeah, I know when I come across fruit that I'm not sure what it is, the first thing I do is eat it.
"Yes (yum), this is it," she said. But her mouth was so full of grapes it sounded like "Yeth, thith ith it!" (Wait, full of grapes? I thought she only ate one.) Quiarilla soon got to the castle. And the King--he was still trying to find it!
Again--you're already a king. Not sure why you're so adamant about getting the crown before Qui does.
He got to the castle too, but it took him 48 hours (I'd have given up after, like, two) while it had taken Quiarilla 48 minutes!
"I now pronounce you," said the royal crowner, "The Queen!"
Quiarilla stood up. "Thank you, my friends," she said, curtsying.
Then the crown was placed atop Quiarilla's head.
Wait, so she just showed up at this other castle and they crowned her Queen? I... what? Did the original ruler die and they didn't have an heir, or something? "Hey, what should we do about the fact that we don't have a ruler?" "Eh, just crown the first random kid who comes along." "I see absolutely nothing that could possibly go wrong with that plan."
And that's the end of the first chapter.