I figured this was going to come up sooner or later. ;-)
"Um... how old is Pipes?"
Pipes is twenty.
I'm thirty-three.
Judging from people's responses so far, some of you are probably shrugging. No big deal right? You know so-and-so who had a relationship with an age gap. Or maybe you had one yourself. And some of you are probably standing there, a bit more surprised. But accepting. Not your place to judge, yadda-yadda, there are bigger things to worry about. And are we happy? Yes? Good. And some of you are aghast. This post is for you bunch. Before you become scandalized and either let me have it or, worse, go silent, hear me out. This post is a decent sized read... but if you aren't willing to think about the various points, maybe you're not willing to consider my situation as fairly and thoughtfully as you think you are.
I've been asked out by younger women you wouldn't believe how many times. I don't believe how many times- I'm really not much to look at. But most of them were quite pretty in fact. Not desperate for male attention by any stretch of the imagination. And by younger, I don't just mean 25, I mean 18-20. Mostly, women I'd meet in the nursing field, because I don't hit clubs, and I don't play popularity games.
And repeatedly, I could size them up in a look, maybe think back to how they've acted when I've seen them around, and say something like, "There's no way you are able to deal with my life. Things might've even been fun... for a little while, if we dated. But they wouldn't last. You just aren't at the life stage I am, and you wouldn't be able to deal with skipping to that stage. Not permanently." Or something to that effect. And I'd cheer them on when they got started in something with some other young man. Sometimes, they'd even ask my advice afterward.
But there was something about Pipes. The discussions we had. The topics we covered. And the way she carried herself. Like a Lady of Consequence. She was more intriguing. Apparently, she was looking for a reason to get me to ask her out, for a while before I ever did. And she hasn't lacked for male attention either. She tells me there were things she just liked. Or sensed, is perhaps the word. Ways she felt I was different.
Once I introduced her to the girls, she was incredible with them. They respond so well to her, it's amazing. She taught them some of the first basics of swimming this last Tuesday when we all went to the pool. And she is able to walk into a situation I'm becoming a bit frustrated with, cut through the chaos, and get things back on track. She's that good.
So far, this is the most healthy relationship which either one of us has ever had. And that's not relatively speaking, that's absolutely speaking. I'm saying, she has been very careful of my feelings, and I of hers. And while things aren't perfect, they are more so than either of us have seen.
And just so you understand, I've also dated women who were older. One girlfriend was almost four years older. Another? Eleven. It went well both times. One situation lasted for about 12-18 months, depending upon how you look at it. The other, about six months, but it ended comfortably too. I'm friends with nearly all of my exes. Distant friends, mind you, so that it never interferes with another relationship. But on the whole, most of my relationships were with women about my age, or within a few years younger. My last wife though? She was a year older than myself. Age wasn't any of the reasons in Why Things Failed. They failed because of some serious personality issues, and because she gave up at the drop of a hat. The point is, age doesn't matter much to me. Personality, character, maturity and the determination to make things work does matter. Especially after I discovered, as an aside in my studies, that our society developed its social mores about age as a more recent social phenomenon, while age gaps were far more prevalent down through history (including Pioneer history) way back into Ancient days.
Our families? Well, I think my family was actually more objecting than hers, at first. My mother especially. But she's coming 'round. Pipes' parents had some concerns, but they see that I treat Pipes well. Better than any other man ever has. More than that, they see that Pipes makes her own decisions in our relationship. They also like that I'm more friendly to their beliefs than any other of her suitors have been. Pipes' family is very well connected and involved in things around here. For instance, her uncle was the Sheriff of Salt Lake County for umpteen years, 'til he finally retired in the last year or so.
And apparently, age gaps are a more common thing in their family. Her sister, who is another nurse, married a guy ten or eleven years older. One brother married a woman seven years older. Her other brother - the doctor - married a woman several years younger. Her Uncle goes from country to country, on behalf of the LDS Church, and teaches people which crops are the best to grow, and how to grow them, given the conditions they live in. His wife is several decades younger than himself. And while that's a span that makes even me gulp, they're apparently very happy together.
At work, the age thing hasn't been an issue at all. These situations have been around repeatedly. One such couple has a 36 year-old woman (now pregnant) who married a 19 year-old guy. Both of his folks work there too, and are pretty happy with things. Pipes 'n I will give each other a peck when one of us brings the other something to eat or drink, but work is work. But you have to keep that straight, any time you date a coworker, and not simply when there's an age difference. And usually, because of our schedules, we never work at the same time. When we do, we work on different floors, or will work out a transfer, so that there's never any sense of impropriety.
I don't know... am I justifying or defending myself by describing these other situations? Maybe I'm trying to describe that this does occur. In fact, it's occurring more frequently today than it has in years. It's funny. You can take a look at other age gap situations and think you know what's going on. Sometimes you might be right. Sometimes a person is looking for her Daddy (or his Mommy) and that's not healthy at all. And sometimes, you might just be dead wrong. I've discovered this a couple times, after having friends and acquaintances in these situations. And sometimes, you can see a guy and a gal at about the same age in a relationship, and it's verrrrrry obvious that one is dominating the other. So maybe, age isn't the single deciding factor?
I won't lie and say it's not a factor, because it most definitely is. Some situations which have come up are even a little humorous.
"Man, I remember when that song came out..."
"Honey, I wasn't alive when that song came out." (she slyly grins)
"..."
But ultimately? It's about how you are with one another. It's almost a breakthrough that I'm willing to love Pipes. Verb form. And to trust. To put myself out there again, which let me tell you, has not been easy at all. She has been gentle, and compassionate, and awfully adept. Most of the time, that is, excepting for the fact that she's still Human.
I don't know if we'll be together in a year from now. Let alone ten. But this relationship, the way it is, seems to have more of a potential to go there (happily) than I've had ever before. Including, my two failed marriages. And that's after spending a lot of time thinking -- Really thinking. Meditating even. -- about why things work, and why they fail, in different situations.
More than anything else, I'm willing to give it a try.
Discuss.
Pipes is twenty.
I'm thirty-three.
Judging from people's responses so far, some of you are probably shrugging. No big deal right? You know so-and-so who had a relationship with an age gap. Or maybe you had one yourself. And some of you are probably standing there, a bit more surprised. But accepting. Not your place to judge, yadda-yadda, there are bigger things to worry about. And are we happy? Yes? Good. And some of you are aghast. This post is for you bunch. Before you become scandalized and either let me have it or, worse, go silent, hear me out. This post is a decent sized read... but if you aren't willing to think about the various points, maybe you're not willing to consider my situation as fairly and thoughtfully as you think you are.
I've been asked out by younger women you wouldn't believe how many times. I don't believe how many times- I'm really not much to look at. But most of them were quite pretty in fact. Not desperate for male attention by any stretch of the imagination. And by younger, I don't just mean 25, I mean 18-20. Mostly, women I'd meet in the nursing field, because I don't hit clubs, and I don't play popularity games.
And repeatedly, I could size them up in a look, maybe think back to how they've acted when I've seen them around, and say something like, "There's no way you are able to deal with my life. Things might've even been fun... for a little while, if we dated. But they wouldn't last. You just aren't at the life stage I am, and you wouldn't be able to deal with skipping to that stage. Not permanently." Or something to that effect. And I'd cheer them on when they got started in something with some other young man. Sometimes, they'd even ask my advice afterward.
But there was something about Pipes. The discussions we had. The topics we covered. And the way she carried herself. Like a Lady of Consequence. She was more intriguing. Apparently, she was looking for a reason to get me to ask her out, for a while before I ever did. And she hasn't lacked for male attention either. She tells me there were things she just liked. Or sensed, is perhaps the word. Ways she felt I was different.
Once I introduced her to the girls, she was incredible with them. They respond so well to her, it's amazing. She taught them some of the first basics of swimming this last Tuesday when we all went to the pool. And she is able to walk into a situation I'm becoming a bit frustrated with, cut through the chaos, and get things back on track. She's that good.
So far, this is the most healthy relationship which either one of us has ever had. And that's not relatively speaking, that's absolutely speaking. I'm saying, she has been very careful of my feelings, and I of hers. And while things aren't perfect, they are more so than either of us have seen.
And just so you understand, I've also dated women who were older. One girlfriend was almost four years older. Another? Eleven. It went well both times. One situation lasted for about 12-18 months, depending upon how you look at it. The other, about six months, but it ended comfortably too. I'm friends with nearly all of my exes. Distant friends, mind you, so that it never interferes with another relationship. But on the whole, most of my relationships were with women about my age, or within a few years younger. My last wife though? She was a year older than myself. Age wasn't any of the reasons in Why Things Failed. They failed because of some serious personality issues, and because she gave up at the drop of a hat. The point is, age doesn't matter much to me. Personality, character, maturity and the determination to make things work does matter. Especially after I discovered, as an aside in my studies, that our society developed its social mores about age as a more recent social phenomenon, while age gaps were far more prevalent down through history (including Pioneer history) way back into Ancient days.
Our families? Well, I think my family was actually more objecting than hers, at first. My mother especially. But she's coming 'round. Pipes' parents had some concerns, but they see that I treat Pipes well. Better than any other man ever has. More than that, they see that Pipes makes her own decisions in our relationship. They also like that I'm more friendly to their beliefs than any other of her suitors have been. Pipes' family is very well connected and involved in things around here. For instance, her uncle was the Sheriff of Salt Lake County for umpteen years, 'til he finally retired in the last year or so.
And apparently, age gaps are a more common thing in their family. Her sister, who is another nurse, married a guy ten or eleven years older. One brother married a woman seven years older. Her other brother - the doctor - married a woman several years younger. Her Uncle goes from country to country, on behalf of the LDS Church, and teaches people which crops are the best to grow, and how to grow them, given the conditions they live in. His wife is several decades younger than himself. And while that's a span that makes even me gulp, they're apparently very happy together.
At work, the age thing hasn't been an issue at all. These situations have been around repeatedly. One such couple has a 36 year-old woman (now pregnant) who married a 19 year-old guy. Both of his folks work there too, and are pretty happy with things. Pipes 'n I will give each other a peck when one of us brings the other something to eat or drink, but work is work. But you have to keep that straight, any time you date a coworker, and not simply when there's an age difference. And usually, because of our schedules, we never work at the same time. When we do, we work on different floors, or will work out a transfer, so that there's never any sense of impropriety.
I don't know... am I justifying or defending myself by describing these other situations? Maybe I'm trying to describe that this does occur. In fact, it's occurring more frequently today than it has in years. It's funny. You can take a look at other age gap situations and think you know what's going on. Sometimes you might be right. Sometimes a person is looking for her Daddy (or his Mommy) and that's not healthy at all. And sometimes, you might just be dead wrong. I've discovered this a couple times, after having friends and acquaintances in these situations. And sometimes, you can see a guy and a gal at about the same age in a relationship, and it's verrrrrry obvious that one is dominating the other. So maybe, age isn't the single deciding factor?
I won't lie and say it's not a factor, because it most definitely is. Some situations which have come up are even a little humorous.
"Man, I remember when that song came out..."
"Honey, I wasn't alive when that song came out." (she slyly grins)
"..."
But ultimately? It's about how you are with one another. It's almost a breakthrough that I'm willing to love Pipes. Verb form. And to trust. To put myself out there again, which let me tell you, has not been easy at all. She has been gentle, and compassionate, and awfully adept. Most of the time, that is, excepting for the fact that she's still Human.
I don't know if we'll be together in a year from now. Let alone ten. But this relationship, the way it is, seems to have more of a potential to go there (happily) than I've had ever before. Including, my two failed marriages. And that's after spending a lot of time thinking -- Really thinking. Meditating even. -- about why things work, and why they fail, in different situations.
More than anything else, I'm willing to give it a try.
Discuss.