two arms and two legs
As you can see from my "mood" button, I'm tired, so this entry might not make much sense. I feel the need to update, but am not sure where to begin. That's sort of my problem, anyway. I don't know where to begin with a lot of things. My brain feels like my garden looks: overgrown and under threat from bugs, weeds, vines, and just its own superfluousness.
For the second week in a row, I missed garbage day. I meant to get up early enough to throw on some jeans, run downstairs, get everything together and set it at the curb. But as I was rousing myself at around 7:40, forgetting how many times I'd hit snooze earlier, I heard a rather loud rumbling approaching. The garbage truck was already almost at my door. I grabbed for my jeans, but it was no use...they were booking and had already gone past. I don't even want to know what is growing in the first garbage bag I missed last week...I'll add this one to it, and just set it at the curb next Tuesday evening and pray nothing skeevy remains behind once they dump it.
Work was crappy. I've lost my impetus to do a good job there, since I am now fairly certain that the permanent job which I've been putting in so many hours of unpaid overtime hoping to land is not going to materialize. I talked to one of my co-workers about it today, and she commisserated with me, and said she would miss me. I told her that since my house is nearby, she can always stop by to hang out, even after I'm gone.
I wrote to my contact at the temp agency, but she hasn't responded yet. Basically, I explained the situation, and asked her to advise me / keep an eye out for permanent positions for which I would qualify. I should call her tomorrow and make sure the e-mail went through. I can't afford to be without a job, and would like to have a full time, permanent job with benefits as soon as possible. I know...who wouldn't?
The woman I met up with Friday evening got my cell number, and called me at work today. She wanted to say that she had a good time Friday. Then she asked if I had found a church, and if I had a Bible. I needed to get back to work, and I was feeling glad that she cared, but also really, really uncomfortable. I feel like she's a one-night stand that I led on. Well, I would like to be friends, but I can't be if she is going to try to push me into religion. :/
When I got home this evening, I saw it was nice weather (relative to the rest of the week, which meant muggy, but not raining), so I decided I'd better jump at the opportunity to mow the yard. The grass was thick, and still sort of wet, but I knocked it off fairly soon. Then I saw Dutch, the old man who lives up the street. We'd been talking Sunday, during my first lawn-mowing attempt, when I flooded my engine and was waiting for it to settle. He mentioned that his son-in-law was a contractor who could give me an estimate on work for my house. Apparently, as I learned today, they had come by Monday evening early and I wasn't home. I knew they would stop by sometime, but I never really know when I am going to be home anymore. I often don't leave work until almost 6, and Monday I went shopping to get groceries and a phone. (I have VOIP now, so if you are someone I talk to, ask me for the number). Anyway, I gave Dutch my number, and said to have his son in law call me and let me know when to be here to discuss.
Dutch kept me talking for an hour or so...and the more he talked about stuff I need to or should do, the more overwhelmed I started to feel. He even mentioned that he had planned on mowing my lawn, since he knew I was planning to do that Sunday and wasn't able to because of the rain. Keep in mind that Dutch was born in 1930 and walks with a limp. Anyway, I know he is trying to be helpful, but I felt like he was criticizing me, and saying I'm not doing enough. He made a lame joke about charging me two arms and two legs for the work on the house, and I said I'd just be a torso then. I think I feel that way already. I know he's right -- I'm not doing enough, but I just feel so worn out, and again, I don't know where to begin.
Therapy is going well, but I feel sometimes like my thoughts keep coming full circle, rather than moving along a line from A to B. It's frustrating to always be second-guessing things. You think you're past something, and then it just pops up again. I'm reminded of an analogy my recently-terminated co-worker Lucy used: whacking moles, like the game at the fair. Just trying to keep up with everything popping up at you from different directions.
I am tired. I don't know where to begin, so I will end.
For the second week in a row, I missed garbage day. I meant to get up early enough to throw on some jeans, run downstairs, get everything together and set it at the curb. But as I was rousing myself at around 7:40, forgetting how many times I'd hit snooze earlier, I heard a rather loud rumbling approaching. The garbage truck was already almost at my door. I grabbed for my jeans, but it was no use...they were booking and had already gone past. I don't even want to know what is growing in the first garbage bag I missed last week...I'll add this one to it, and just set it at the curb next Tuesday evening and pray nothing skeevy remains behind once they dump it.
Work was crappy. I've lost my impetus to do a good job there, since I am now fairly certain that the permanent job which I've been putting in so many hours of unpaid overtime hoping to land is not going to materialize. I talked to one of my co-workers about it today, and she commisserated with me, and said she would miss me. I told her that since my house is nearby, she can always stop by to hang out, even after I'm gone.
I wrote to my contact at the temp agency, but she hasn't responded yet. Basically, I explained the situation, and asked her to advise me / keep an eye out for permanent positions for which I would qualify. I should call her tomorrow and make sure the e-mail went through. I can't afford to be without a job, and would like to have a full time, permanent job with benefits as soon as possible. I know...who wouldn't?
The woman I met up with Friday evening got my cell number, and called me at work today. She wanted to say that she had a good time Friday. Then she asked if I had found a church, and if I had a Bible. I needed to get back to work, and I was feeling glad that she cared, but also really, really uncomfortable. I feel like she's a one-night stand that I led on. Well, I would like to be friends, but I can't be if she is going to try to push me into religion. :/
When I got home this evening, I saw it was nice weather (relative to the rest of the week, which meant muggy, but not raining), so I decided I'd better jump at the opportunity to mow the yard. The grass was thick, and still sort of wet, but I knocked it off fairly soon. Then I saw Dutch, the old man who lives up the street. We'd been talking Sunday, during my first lawn-mowing attempt, when I flooded my engine and was waiting for it to settle. He mentioned that his son-in-law was a contractor who could give me an estimate on work for my house. Apparently, as I learned today, they had come by Monday evening early and I wasn't home. I knew they would stop by sometime, but I never really know when I am going to be home anymore. I often don't leave work until almost 6, and Monday I went shopping to get groceries and a phone. (I have VOIP now, so if you are someone I talk to, ask me for the number). Anyway, I gave Dutch my number, and said to have his son in law call me and let me know when to be here to discuss.
Dutch kept me talking for an hour or so...and the more he talked about stuff I need to or should do, the more overwhelmed I started to feel. He even mentioned that he had planned on mowing my lawn, since he knew I was planning to do that Sunday and wasn't able to because of the rain. Keep in mind that Dutch was born in 1930 and walks with a limp. Anyway, I know he is trying to be helpful, but I felt like he was criticizing me, and saying I'm not doing enough. He made a lame joke about charging me two arms and two legs for the work on the house, and I said I'd just be a torso then. I think I feel that way already. I know he's right -- I'm not doing enough, but I just feel so worn out, and again, I don't know where to begin.
Therapy is going well, but I feel sometimes like my thoughts keep coming full circle, rather than moving along a line from A to B. It's frustrating to always be second-guessing things. You think you're past something, and then it just pops up again. I'm reminded of an analogy my recently-terminated co-worker Lucy used: whacking moles, like the game at the fair. Just trying to keep up with everything popping up at you from different directions.
I am tired. I don't know where to begin, so I will end.