Losing myself...
I have been awake for about 22 hours as of right now. So I would like to excuse myself if this post tends to ramble or just be all over the place.
I have a point to this..the question is, will I get to it?
In the past few months, I've really sat and wondered the meaning to all of this. *This* being my life and everything in it. How do certain things come to pass? Is is fate? Or do we make our own? Is there a plan for each of us, larger than we ever expected?
When I was a little girl, I never imagined this is where I would be. Then again, no one really does. I've been so blessed in so many ways, with my daughter, my family, my best friend and such. Yet I seem destined to fail elsewhere.
I seem to have gone from one bad relationship to another, always expecting different results by choosing the same type of person. Settling for what I thought was all I could get. It got me nowhere. When I assumed I was taking steps forward, they were pushing me back.
I have gotten nowhere with that. I have often feared that choices I've made and their repercussions will come back to haunt me. And already they have several times. Don't take that wrong. I love my daughter. Immensely. More than my own life. My heart swells with pride for her. I would never go back and change that aspect of my life.
At the same time. I feel like there is constantly something missing. Every man I have met, has gone running when they find out I have a daughter. They want nothing more than a physical relationship. (Highly overrated).
They run because they feel like they will be burdened or trapped. I guess that is to be expected. But will there ever be one that doesnt?
I feel so alone sometimes. Like no one understands who is inside. Or no one cares to find out. I just want some happiness. Am I not entitled to that? At the very least?
Or have the things I've done caused me to lose my right to it? I don't want to believe it. But there is no one.
I am so utterly sick of settling for second best. Why can't I have what is my version of perfect?
I want to have that giddy, upside down, inside out, walking on air feeling when I think about someone. I want to not be able to keep my hands off them. I want to smile so much it hurts. I want to feel like I'm on top of the world even if Im just sitting on the couch next to him. I want to feel wanted again. I want to be in love. I want to deny the truth, believe a lie, do something crazy, not make excuses, feel like Im flying, just feel glowing all the way down to my toes. I want to sacrifice everything. Not look back. Risk my heart again. Be lonely when he's not around. I want to be rescued from myself and all my doubts and hesitancy. I want someone to lay down next to at night, to watch them sleep. I dont like to be alone in the night. Someone to hold my hand for no reason, to sit and watch crappy movies and laugh til it hurts. Someone to tell me I'm beautiful even though I look my worst. I want someone to brush my hair from my face and look into my eyes and refuse to break that stare until I cant take the intensity anymore. Someone to hold me just when they know I need it. I want someone to know my own heart.
I've never been in love. I would have known it. I want to be whole again.
Why do I keep holding on to something so far out of my reach?
I'm in a place I never really imagined I'd be, with no clear path in which to choose.
I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of trying.
I'm not afraid of being on my own, I was alone before .
But this just isn't the same
Where is the hope I used to possess? That feeling I once had,
that everything would be ok?
Why can't I just walk away from something I can't see?
I've lost my faith in the opposite sex and in love. I've never been so full of doubt and cynicism. I cant take compliments. I think they're lying. I can't trust. I dont recognize myself anymore.
I am almost to a point where I am going to admit defeat and call it quits.
Almost..
And thats not the Sarah I know.
I've lost myself somewhere in this vicious cycle.
I need to find her again.
But I dont know where to start.
S
I have a point to this..the question is, will I get to it?
In the past few months, I've really sat and wondered the meaning to all of this. *This* being my life and everything in it. How do certain things come to pass? Is is fate? Or do we make our own? Is there a plan for each of us, larger than we ever expected?
When I was a little girl, I never imagined this is where I would be. Then again, no one really does. I've been so blessed in so many ways, with my daughter, my family, my best friend and such. Yet I seem destined to fail elsewhere.
I seem to have gone from one bad relationship to another, always expecting different results by choosing the same type of person. Settling for what I thought was all I could get. It got me nowhere. When I assumed I was taking steps forward, they were pushing me back.
I have gotten nowhere with that. I have often feared that choices I've made and their repercussions will come back to haunt me. And already they have several times. Don't take that wrong. I love my daughter. Immensely. More than my own life. My heart swells with pride for her. I would never go back and change that aspect of my life.
At the same time. I feel like there is constantly something missing. Every man I have met, has gone running when they find out I have a daughter. They want nothing more than a physical relationship. (Highly overrated).
They run because they feel like they will be burdened or trapped. I guess that is to be expected. But will there ever be one that doesnt?
I feel so alone sometimes. Like no one understands who is inside. Or no one cares to find out. I just want some happiness. Am I not entitled to that? At the very least?
Or have the things I've done caused me to lose my right to it? I don't want to believe it. But there is no one.
I am so utterly sick of settling for second best. Why can't I have what is my version of perfect?
I want to have that giddy, upside down, inside out, walking on air feeling when I think about someone. I want to not be able to keep my hands off them. I want to smile so much it hurts. I want to feel like I'm on top of the world even if Im just sitting on the couch next to him. I want to feel wanted again. I want to be in love. I want to deny the truth, believe a lie, do something crazy, not make excuses, feel like Im flying, just feel glowing all the way down to my toes. I want to sacrifice everything. Not look back. Risk my heart again. Be lonely when he's not around. I want to be rescued from myself and all my doubts and hesitancy. I want someone to lay down next to at night, to watch them sleep. I dont like to be alone in the night. Someone to hold my hand for no reason, to sit and watch crappy movies and laugh til it hurts. Someone to tell me I'm beautiful even though I look my worst. I want someone to brush my hair from my face and look into my eyes and refuse to break that stare until I cant take the intensity anymore. Someone to hold me just when they know I need it. I want someone to know my own heart.
I've never been in love. I would have known it. I want to be whole again.
Why do I keep holding on to something so far out of my reach?
I'm in a place I never really imagined I'd be, with no clear path in which to choose.
I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of trying.
I'm not afraid of being on my own, I was alone before .
But this just isn't the same
Where is the hope I used to possess? That feeling I once had,
that everything would be ok?
Why can't I just walk away from something I can't see?
I've lost my faith in the opposite sex and in love. I've never been so full of doubt and cynicism. I cant take compliments. I think they're lying. I can't trust. I dont recognize myself anymore.
I am almost to a point where I am going to admit defeat and call it quits.
Almost..
And thats not the Sarah I know.
I've lost myself somewhere in this vicious cycle.
I need to find her again.
But I dont know where to start.
S