5x01 - DYING CHANGES EVERYTHING
Writer: Eli Attie
Director: Deran Sarafian
Original Airdate: Sept. 16, 2008
Eight weeks after the death of his girlfriend, Amber, Wilson is still mourning her death, and his relationship with his best friend House is shattered. Cuddy attempts to salvage the irreparable rift between House and Wilson.
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I. Gotta remember to close the blinds
[Cuddy walks into Coma Guy’s room and sees House playing video games]
Cuddy: Wilson’s back. You gonna say-
House: He’s been gone two months. He can wait ‘til I finish slaying a guy in a skullcap and a pair of tights.
Cuddy: On a video game you stole from the pediatric ward?
House: On advice of counsel, I assert my privilege pursuant to the fifth.
[Cuddy unplugs the game.]
Cuddy: When was the last time you talked to him?
House: Uhh, I think it was after… when did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn’t want to tread on your turf.
[Foreman walks by, looking for House.]
Foreman: We got a case.
House: I gotta remember to close the blinds.
Foreman: Just got a call from Patty Michener, from Women’s Majority, the women’s rights-
Cuddy: We know who she is.
House: I dated her. Well, not really dated her; more metaphorically raped her by having a penis. [To Foreman] You did, too.
Foreman: Her assistant flipped out. Ripped off her clothes in front of a room full of businessmen.
House: Well either she cracked under the whip, or she started to realize that her evolutionary purpose is to arouse men, not to castrate them. Send her to psychiatric.
Foreman: Anemia, bradycardia, and abdominal pain aren’t psychiatric symptoms.
House: Then it’s the latter. Send her to my apartment.
[House reaches for the case file but Cuddy swipes it first.]
Cuddy: I’ll give it to Segal.
Foreman: House actually wants a case and you’re saying no?
Cuddy: House has more important things to do.
House: Sorry, can’t help you. You need a specialist to remove those kind of warts. Preferably one with experience spelunking.
[House takes the file and leaves with Foreman. Cuddy spots House’s makeshift cup holder and takes his cup out of Coma Guy’s hand.]
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II. Find some meaning.
[House walks into Cuddy’s office as she’s hanging up the phone.]
House: You have to stop Wilson from committing career malpractice.
Cuddy: Talk to him.
House: Already talked to him twice. He threw me out.
Cuddy: Mocking him and insulting him - let’s see. Yes, technically those are categories of conversation.
House: Block his references to other hospitals. Tell him he can’t hand off his cases until-
Cuddy: Talk to him. Deal with his grief. Talk to him about what he’s going through.
House: That’s a brilliant idea. I’ll take him out for a beer. That’ll make up for the fact that Amber’s in a pine box. That there’s randomness and chaos in the universe.
Cuddy: Tell him you’re sorry.
House: I didn’t kill her.
Cuddy: You were drunk, and-
House: Yeah. If her daddy hadn’t been drunk, she might never have been born, so.
Cuddy: You called her up in the middle of the night. She was on the bus because of you.
House: I didn’t ask her to come out. I wasn’t driving the bus. I wasn’t driving the garbage truck that hit the bus. And I did not prescribe her the flu meds that killed her.
Cuddy: Yes, I know, that’s all true, but… You really don’t feel any sense of guilt?
[Cuddy sighs, exchanges glances with House]
Cuddy: You want to keep him, he needs to know he’s not alone. Just, tell him you feel like crap.
House: It’d be meaningless.
Cuddy: Well, then, find some meaning. And do something.
- - - - - - - - - -
III. Cuddy demonstrates her confidence-inspiring abilities
[Cuddy’s in House’s office with Foreman, Kutner, Taub, and Thirteen]
Cuddy: Status.
Foreman: Her heart’s stabilized. We have a pacing wire in her, but the bradycardia is not getting any better.
Kutner: House is bluffing.
Taub: I called him three times. He’s not picking up. [to Cuddy] What do you want us to do?
Cuddy: The same thing you’d do if he was here.
Taub: If he was here we’d be asking him what to do.
Cuddy: What are the usual suspects?
Foreman: There aren’t any. She had a vitamin deficiency and we corrected it, an ectopic pregnancy, we removed it.
Kutner: But her heart problem won’t go away, and now something’s wrong with her brain.
Cuddy: [unconvincingly] I have complete confidence in you guys. [She leaves. The team continues with the DDX]
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IV. Mind if I come in?
[House’s Apartment: Cuddy knocks on the door, House answers.]
Cuddy: Mind if I come in?
House: Not at all. You mind if I leave?
[Cuddy crosses her arms and remains in the doorway.]
Cuddy: I told you not to take that case specifically so you could deal with Wilson.
House: And the two ended up dovetailing rather nicely, don’t you think?
Cuddy: Is this how you show your friendship? By bludgeoning him with guilt?
House: Because he’s my friend, I know what works on him.
Cuddy: Well, I can’t let you walk away from a patient.
House: Then fire me.
Cuddy: You’re willing to risk your career, but you’re not willing to say you’re sorry.
House: I told him I’m sorry. He didn’t believe it.
Cuddy: Well, make him believe it.
House: I don’t believe it.
Cuddy: [Anger in her tone building by the second] You don’t wanna believe it! Because if you tell Wilson how you actually feel, about him, about what happened to Amber, about your part in what happened, and he walks out the door anyway… If you make yourself vulnerable for once in your nerve-deadening, emotionally obliterating-
[House slams the door shut, Cuddy continues through the door.]
Cuddy: (off-screen) You’re doing the same thing he is. You’re running away. Only he’s not killing anyone in the process.
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V. Cuddy gets off on being withholding
[Cuddy’s Office: House storms in as Cuddy’s on her couch reading a magazine.]
House: You had my cable disconnected!
Cuddy: Well, that’s quite a leap. [Nonchalantly] Just because I happen to have a 31-person maintenance department - each of whom you’ve personally abused at some point-
House: Why? Did you think I’m okay with letting someone die, but I’m gonna fold if I can’t watch Celebrity Bowling?
Cuddy: That is not an unreasonable theory. Especially with only 10 minutes ‘til your favorite soap.
[Cuddy finds a remote control.]
Cuddy: Oh, gee, is this the remote from the doctors’ lounge?
[House moves closer and tries to grab the remote, Cuddy pulls it away.]
Cuddy: Ehh-
[Wilson enters Cuddy’s office - the trap has worked!]
Wilson: This is your 911? Goodbye. [Turns to leave.]
Cuddy: Stop. [He does.] I’m withholding your salary history from every hospital in the tri-state area.
House: You go, girl.
Cuddy: [turns to House] And I’m permanently setting every TV in this building to the pottery channel unless you both sit down.
[Cuddy sits. House and Wilson exchange glares, neither budges.]
Cuddy: Welcome to couples counseling.
- - - - - - - - - -
VI. Couples counseling
[House and Wilson are both sitting on Cuddy’s couch now, staring straight ahead.]
House: [to Cuddy] So what do you want to tell us?
Cuddy: Nothing. Nothing I say is gonna change anything. You guys need to talk.
House: Actually, you should just read the psych literature. Repression’s gaining a lot of fans. What you don’t face can’t crush you.
Cuddy: Talk to each other.
House: [sighs, turns to Wilson] How you doing? Good?
Wilson: Fine, thanks.
[They both begin to get up and leave.]
Cuddy: EH, EH, EHH, EHH. SIT.
[They look at Cuddy, then both sit back down.]
Cuddy: See, the two of you are friends. Look how you both-
House: Think you’re an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn’t really prove-
Cuddy: Talk to him! Tell him how you feel about what he’s doing.
House: I told him he’s an idiot.
Cuddy: Tell him what you think about him leaving.
House: I think he’s an idiot.
Cuddy: [frustrated] You’re an idiot, he’s in pain. And your response is to just emotionally blackmail him.
House: You told me what your position is on that one. You’re against it, right?
Wilson: She hasn’t told you in front of me. [Cuddy’s annoyed] She needs to prove she’s on my side.
Cuddy: Go to hell.
House: So much for that theory.
Cuddy: [to Wilson] I’m sorry you lost Amber. I cannot imagine what it is you’re going through. [Wilson starts to leave.] But it will not get better by you walking away from everyone that cares about you. [Wilson stops at the door, his back to Cuddy and House.] Do you think Amber would want you to walk away?
Wilson: [Clearly angry, to Cuddy] Nobody at this hospital even liked Amber.
[He stops to aim a pointed glare in House’s direction, then leaves. House gets up, stops as he’s walking by Cuddy]
House: Same time next week?
- - - - - - - - - -
VII. How many times do I have to use the word ‘idiot’?
[Cuddy’s at the nurses’ station looking at a chart.]
House: (off-screen) It’s almost four. [Cuddy looks up.] Soap time.
[House reaches down behind the desk (startling Cuddy) and grabs the remote.]
House: Nurses’ remote. Works in the in the doctors’ lounge. [He turns to walk away.]
Cuddy: Why do you think Wilson’s leaving?
House: How many times do I have to use the word “idiot?”
Cuddy: And that’s a good enough answer for you? Whenever anyone does anything out of the norm, you have to tell them what screwed-up process is really at work in their head. That is why I locked the two of you in a room; so you would say something stupid and insensitive and maybe with a little bit of truth. But, you didn’t. So I can only assume that you don’t want to know the reason. You’re afraid to know.
[House has been staring off into the POTW’s room. Cuddy realizes this and deadpans--]
Cuddy: You’re not listening to me, are you?
House: Try it sometime. You’ll see why.
[He leaves the remote with Cuddy and heads to the patient’s room.]