PICSPAM: 1x03 - Occam's Razor
1x03 - OCCAM'S RAZOR
Writer: David Shore
Director: Bryan Singer
Original Airdate: Nov. 30, 2004
A college student collapses after rowdy sex with his girlfriend. While House and his team attempt to determine the cause, the student's condition continues to deteriorate and his symptoms multiply complicating the diagnosis.
I. The Ray of Sunshine & the Bored Certified Doctor: A Love Story
[Cut to House entering the clinic.]
Cuddy: You’re half an hour late. Observe cap #1, in which we see House gearing up for some verbal sparring with Cuddy, once he spots her in the lobby. THE FOREPLAY GRIN!
House: Busy case load.
Cuddy: One case is not a “load."
House: So, how are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there’s an acute shortage I could run home--
Cuddy: [looks at his leg] No, you couldn’t. ZING!
House: Nice.
[He walks over to the waiting room full of patients] House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! [Cuddy looks at him incredulously.]
House: In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I’m Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Cuddy: Short. Sweet. Grab a file. They just love an audience, don't they?
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital so, unfortunately, she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a board [looks at Cuddy] certified diagnostician, with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology.
House: I’m also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn’t it? [Cuddy just looks at him.] Does Cuddy look a little more... frazzled? When House goes for public humiliation, these days? I seem to be lacking in the snark today, so I'm compensating by posing topics of debate! The idea is out there that Cuddy's gone soft, doesn't stick it to House as much as she used to. A valid point, and I'd tend to agree. But she also deals with House differently now, sometimes in a more relaxed DUH kind of a way ("Hey, how about you run THIS test before you cut off the dude's leg" or whatever). Right, so... please do my job for me now? ;)
House: But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It’s mine. You can’t have any.
House: And no, I do not have a pain management problem. I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell.
House: So, who wants me? [None of the clinic patients seem too eager.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two doctors? [Everyone raises their hands.]
House: Okay, well, I’ll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.
Cuddy: Jodi Matthews? [Patient stands] Please accompany Dr. House to Exam Room 1. Cuddy's not at all fazed by House's Diatribe of the Day. But... poor Jodi Matthews.
- - - - - - - - - -
II. The efficacy of a lozenge
[Cut to the clinic, House is playing his Gameboy.]
Clinic patient: What are you doing?
House: Level 4.
Patient: No, no. I mean--
House: I know what you meant. We’re waiting.
Patient: My throat hurts.
House: So you said.
Patient: How long are we waiting?
House: Two minutes less then when you asked me two minutes ago. [Cuddy walks in.]
Patient: Hi. MORE FOREPLAY. Signaled by the TONGUE!
Cuddy: Hi. I’m Dr. Cuddy. Nice to meet you.
House: Dr. Cuddy, thanks for the consult. [He closes the Gameboy.] His throat seems to have some condition.
Cuddy: Say "Ah."
Patient. Ah. At this point, I'd have to be rushed to the ER -- cardiac arrest or something.
Cuddy: He has a sore throat.
House: Of course! Yes, why didn’t I... I mean, because he said that... it hurt, and I, I should have deduced that meant it was sore...
Cuddy: I was in a board meeting. I double-checked -- I needed to make sure Cuddy didn't emphasize "board" like House did in the previous scene. Would've been fun, though.
House: Patients come first, right?
Cuddy: Wouldn’t want to prescribe a lozenge if there was any doubt about it’s efficacy, huh? I feel like I should be saying more, but seriously, all that comes to mind is "SEX!" and the pictures say that on their own, do they not?
House: You once asked me why I think I’m always right, and I realized that you’re right...
House: At least, I think you’re right. I don’t really know now, do I? House's eye-crinkling smile kills me dead everytime.
[Cuddy smiles.] As does Cuddy. House/Cuddy, our OTP breaks all sexuality barriers.
Patient: Hey! I’m here. AND HERE IT IS. Remember sexless!Don from "Insensitive" (I think he might lack external genitals, ala The Carver; how do you leave Cuddy, particularly when she's rarin' to go? WTF Don?!). "You should hear yourself when you’re talking to him. Nothing else in the world’s going on." LIKE CLINIC PATIENTS. OR CAMERON, A LOT OF TIMES. OR AT LEAST ONE TIME.
Cuddy: Go home. Drink some hot tea. Take a cold shower. Oh, sorry, that was for me. [She leaves.]
House: Excellent counsel. I love our snarky, sexy ship.
- - - - - - - - - -
III. It’s a game. And I'm gonna win.
[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]
House: The patient could have died.
Cuddy: The one with the pulled muscle.
House: Well, those symptoms are consistent with a dozen other conditions. [Stammers] I, you know, I’m entitled to a consult!
Cuddy: You are not getting out of clinic duty. We all know what "clinic duty" is code for.
House: Come on. You’ve got a hundred other idiot doctors in this building who go all warm and fuzzy every time they pull a toy car out of a nose -- you don't need me here.
Cuddy: No, I don’t, but working with people actually makes you a better doctor.
House: When did I sign up for that course? Oh, House. You're like the first year college student who doesn't know how to do anything and is coddled by his mother. He doesn't know how to register for classes, so his mom does it for him. (True story, my aunt actually registered for my cousin's classes.)
Cuddy: When did I give you the impression that I care? [pause]
House: Working in this clinic obviously instills a deep sense of compassion.
[He starts to walk out.]
House: I’ve got your home number, right? In case anything comes up at 3 o’clock in the morning. This one's just too easy, even for me.
Cuddy: It’s not gonna work. You know why? Because this is fun. And shexy.
Cuddy: You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable: it’s a game! And always remember to have a safe word, kids. Enter "sweetsauce."
Cuddy: And I’m gonna win, because I got a head start. And I am made of win, so it just makes sense.
Cuddy: You are already miserable. [Cuddy leaves her office, and runs into Wilson.]
Wilson: Uh-- She's so smooth and snarky, and then it's like she's gotta make her quick exit and then... so not smooth. Poor Wilson -- he really gets the short end of the stick. (I'm sure there's a OT3 joke in there.)
Cuddy: Is this important?
Wilson: Uh, no.
Cuddy: Good. [Wilson sees House exiting Cuddy's office.]
Wilson: What’s with you and her?
House: Oh, don’t. Please do.
Wilson: You have a thing for her? The only people who can get to you--
House: No! There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate. [to the pharmacist] 36 Vicodin.
Pharmacist: Who’s the patient?
House: I am.
Pharmacist: You can’t…
House: Dr. Wilson is the prescribing physician.
Wilson: Yeah. [to House] You will lie, cheat, and steal to get what you want, but you’re incapable of kissing a little ass? These days, you really would expect an ass joke, wouldn't you?
House: Well, we all have our limitations. [He grabs a bottle from the counter and turns to leave.]
Wilson: House! Wrong bottle. [He gives House the right bottle.] Do me a favor. Take one of these, wait five minutes for it to kick in, and find Cuddy, and kiss her ass. [pause] Wilson, acting as our OTP's pimp since 2004?
House: What was the kid’s first symptom? [pause] You did the history -- of his 800 symptoms, which one hit him first?
Wilson: Uh, the cough.
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. Musings on the power of ass-kissing, and the value of a pounding bass line.
[Cut back to the clinic. House enters to find a boy standing in the room.]
House: How you doing?
Patient: Okay.
House: Great. I’m doing good, too. I get to knock off an hour early today. Know why? ‘Cause I kissed my boss’ ass, you ever do that? I think she just said yes because she wants to reinforce that behavior. Wants me to kiss a lot of other people’s ass, like she wants me to kiss yours. What would you want -- a doctor who holds your hand while you die, or a doctor who ignores you while you get better? I guess it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.
Patient: I should go.
House: You think it’s going to come out on its own? [Patient looks unsure] Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? ‘Cause actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem. Gets wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop! Big stuff, you’re going to rip something, which speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Patient: How did you--
House: You’ve been here half an hour and you haven’t sat down, that tells me its location. You haven’t told me what it is, that tells me it’s humiliating. You have a little birdie carved on your arm, that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it’s not hemorrhoids. [pause] I’ve been a doctor 20 years, you’re not gonna surprise me.
Patient: It’s an MP3 player.
House: [has to digest this for a moment] Hm. Is it... is it because of the size, or the shape... or is it the pounding bass line?
Patient: What are we gonna do?
House: [looks at his watch] I’m gonna wait.
Patient: For what?
[Cut to House leaving the exam room.]
House: Okay, it’s 3:00, I’m off. Would you tell Dr. Cuddy there’s a patient in Exam Room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads. [smiles at his joke.] And we end it with what? Tongue. Tongue and foreplay. C'mon, what's the REAL reason Cuddy let House leave work early?
Writer: David Shore
Director: Bryan Singer
Original Airdate: Nov. 30, 2004
A college student collapses after rowdy sex with his girlfriend. While House and his team attempt to determine the cause, the student's condition continues to deteriorate and his symptoms multiply complicating the diagnosis.
I. The Ray of Sunshine & the Bored Certified Doctor: A Love Story
[Cut to House entering the clinic.]
Cuddy: You’re half an hour late. Observe cap #1, in which we see House gearing up for some verbal sparring with Cuddy, once he spots her in the lobby. THE FOREPLAY GRIN!
House: Busy case load.
Cuddy: One case is not a “load."
House: So, how are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there’s an acute shortage I could run home--
Cuddy: [looks at his leg] No, you couldn’t. ZING!
House: Nice.
[He walks over to the waiting room full of patients] House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! [Cuddy looks at him incredulously.]
House: In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I’m Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Cuddy: Short. Sweet. Grab a file. They just love an audience, don't they?
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital so, unfortunately, she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a board [looks at Cuddy] certified diagnostician, with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology.
House: I’m also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn’t it? [Cuddy just looks at him.] Does Cuddy look a little more... frazzled? When House goes for public humiliation, these days? I seem to be lacking in the snark today, so I'm compensating by posing topics of debate! The idea is out there that Cuddy's gone soft, doesn't stick it to House as much as she used to. A valid point, and I'd tend to agree. But she also deals with House differently now, sometimes in a more relaxed DUH kind of a way ("Hey, how about you run THIS test before you cut off the dude's leg" or whatever). Right, so... please do my job for me now? ;)
House: But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It’s mine. You can’t have any.
House: And no, I do not have a pain management problem. I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell.
House: So, who wants me? [None of the clinic patients seem too eager.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two doctors? [Everyone raises their hands.]
House: Okay, well, I’ll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.
Cuddy: Jodi Matthews? [Patient stands] Please accompany Dr. House to Exam Room 1. Cuddy's not at all fazed by House's Diatribe of the Day. But... poor Jodi Matthews.
- - - - - - - - - -
II. The efficacy of a lozenge
[Cut to the clinic, House is playing his Gameboy.]
Clinic patient: What are you doing?
House: Level 4.
Patient: No, no. I mean--
House: I know what you meant. We’re waiting.
Patient: My throat hurts.
House: So you said.
Patient: How long are we waiting?
House: Two minutes less then when you asked me two minutes ago. [Cuddy walks in.]
Patient: Hi. MORE FOREPLAY. Signaled by the TONGUE!
Cuddy: Hi. I’m Dr. Cuddy. Nice to meet you.
House: Dr. Cuddy, thanks for the consult. [He closes the Gameboy.] His throat seems to have some condition.
Cuddy: Say "Ah."
Patient. Ah. At this point, I'd have to be rushed to the ER -- cardiac arrest or something.
Cuddy: He has a sore throat.
House: Of course! Yes, why didn’t I... I mean, because he said that... it hurt, and I, I should have deduced that meant it was sore...
Cuddy: I was in a board meeting. I double-checked -- I needed to make sure Cuddy didn't emphasize "board" like House did in the previous scene. Would've been fun, though.
House: Patients come first, right?
Cuddy: Wouldn’t want to prescribe a lozenge if there was any doubt about it’s efficacy, huh? I feel like I should be saying more, but seriously, all that comes to mind is "SEX!" and the pictures say that on their own, do they not?
House: You once asked me why I think I’m always right, and I realized that you’re right...
House: At least, I think you’re right. I don’t really know now, do I? House's eye-crinkling smile kills me dead everytime.
[Cuddy smiles.] As does Cuddy. House/Cuddy, our OTP breaks all sexuality barriers.
Patient: Hey! I’m here. AND HERE IT IS. Remember sexless!Don from "Insensitive" (I think he might lack external genitals, ala The Carver; how do you leave Cuddy, particularly when she's rarin' to go? WTF Don?!). "You should hear yourself when you’re talking to him. Nothing else in the world’s going on." LIKE CLINIC PATIENTS. OR CAMERON, A LOT OF TIMES. OR AT LEAST ONE TIME.
Cuddy: Go home. Drink some hot tea. Take a cold shower. Oh, sorry, that was for me. [She leaves.]
House: Excellent counsel. I love our snarky, sexy ship.
- - - - - - - - - -
III. It’s a game. And I'm gonna win.
[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]
House: The patient could have died.
Cuddy: The one with the pulled muscle.
House: Well, those symptoms are consistent with a dozen other conditions. [Stammers] I, you know, I’m entitled to a consult!
Cuddy: You are not getting out of clinic duty. We all know what "clinic duty" is code for.
House: Come on. You’ve got a hundred other idiot doctors in this building who go all warm and fuzzy every time they pull a toy car out of a nose -- you don't need me here.
Cuddy: No, I don’t, but working with people actually makes you a better doctor.
House: When did I sign up for that course? Oh, House. You're like the first year college student who doesn't know how to do anything and is coddled by his mother. He doesn't know how to register for classes, so his mom does it for him. (True story, my aunt actually registered for my cousin's classes.)
Cuddy: When did I give you the impression that I care? [pause]
House: Working in this clinic obviously instills a deep sense of compassion.
[He starts to walk out.]
House: I’ve got your home number, right? In case anything comes up at 3 o’clock in the morning. This one's just too easy, even for me.
Cuddy: It’s not gonna work. You know why? Because this is fun. And shexy.
Cuddy: You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable: it’s a game! And always remember to have a safe word, kids. Enter "sweetsauce."
Cuddy: And I’m gonna win, because I got a head start. And I am made of win, so it just makes sense.
Cuddy: You are already miserable. [Cuddy leaves her office, and runs into Wilson.]
Wilson: Uh-- She's so smooth and snarky, and then it's like she's gotta make her quick exit and then... so not smooth. Poor Wilson -- he really gets the short end of the stick. (I'm sure there's a OT3 joke in there.)
Cuddy: Is this important?
Wilson: Uh, no.
Cuddy: Good. [Wilson sees House exiting Cuddy's office.]
Wilson: What’s with you and her?
House: Oh, don’t. Please do.
Wilson: You have a thing for her? The only people who can get to you--
House: No! There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate. [to the pharmacist] 36 Vicodin.
Pharmacist: Who’s the patient?
House: I am.
Pharmacist: You can’t…
House: Dr. Wilson is the prescribing physician.
Wilson: Yeah. [to House] You will lie, cheat, and steal to get what you want, but you’re incapable of kissing a little ass? These days, you really would expect an ass joke, wouldn't you?
House: Well, we all have our limitations. [He grabs a bottle from the counter and turns to leave.]
Wilson: House! Wrong bottle. [He gives House the right bottle.] Do me a favor. Take one of these, wait five minutes for it to kick in, and find Cuddy, and kiss her ass. [pause] Wilson, acting as our OTP's pimp since 2004?
House: What was the kid’s first symptom? [pause] You did the history -- of his 800 symptoms, which one hit him first?
Wilson: Uh, the cough.
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. Musings on the power of ass-kissing, and the value of a pounding bass line.
[Cut back to the clinic. House enters to find a boy standing in the room.]
House: How you doing?
Patient: Okay.
House: Great. I’m doing good, too. I get to knock off an hour early today. Know why? ‘Cause I kissed my boss’ ass, you ever do that? I think she just said yes because she wants to reinforce that behavior. Wants me to kiss a lot of other people’s ass, like she wants me to kiss yours. What would you want -- a doctor who holds your hand while you die, or a doctor who ignores you while you get better? I guess it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.
Patient: I should go.
House: You think it’s going to come out on its own? [Patient looks unsure] Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? ‘Cause actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem. Gets wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop! Big stuff, you’re going to rip something, which speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Patient: How did you--
House: You’ve been here half an hour and you haven’t sat down, that tells me its location. You haven’t told me what it is, that tells me it’s humiliating. You have a little birdie carved on your arm, that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it’s not hemorrhoids. [pause] I’ve been a doctor 20 years, you’re not gonna surprise me.
Patient: It’s an MP3 player.
House: [has to digest this for a moment] Hm. Is it... is it because of the size, or the shape... or is it the pounding bass line?
Patient: What are we gonna do?
House: [looks at his watch] I’m gonna wait.
Patient: For what?
[Cut to House leaving the exam room.]
House: Okay, it’s 3:00, I’m off. Would you tell Dr. Cuddy there’s a patient in Exam Room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads. [smiles at his joke.] And we end it with what? Tongue. Tongue and foreplay. C'mon, what's the REAL reason Cuddy let House leave work early?