GUIDE: 1x03 Occam's Razor
1x03 - OCCAM'S RAZOR
Writer: David Shore
Director: Bryan Singer
Original Airdate: Nov. 30, 2004
A college student collapses after rowdy sex with his girlfriend. While House and his team attempt to determine the cause, the student's condition continues to deteriorate and his symptoms multiply complicating the diagnosis.
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I. The Ray of Sunshine & the Bored Certified Doctor: A Love Story
[Cut to House entering the clinic.]
Cuddy: You’re half an hour late.
House: Busy case load.
Cuddy: One case is not a “load."
House: So, how are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there’s an acute shortage I could run home--
Cuddy: [looks at his leg] No, you couldn’t.
House: Nice. [He walks over to the waiting room full of patients] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! [Cuddy looks at him incredulously.] In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I’m Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Cuddy: Short. Sweet. Grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital so, unfortunately, she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a board [looks at Cuddy] certified diagnostician, with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I’m also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn’t it? [Cuddy just looks at him.] But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It’s mine. You can’t have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem. I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [None of the clinic patients seem too eager.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two doctors? [Everyone raises their hands.] Okay, well, I’ll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.
Cuddy: Jodi Matthews? [Patient stands] Please accompany Dr. House to Exam Room 1.
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II. The efficacy of a lozenge
[Cut to the clinic, House is playing his Gameboy.]
Clinic patient: What are you doing?
House: Level 4.
Patient: No, no. I mean--
House: I know what you meant. We’re waiting.
Patient: My throat hurts.
House: So you said.
Patient: How long are we waiting?
House: Two minutes less then when you asked me two minutes ago. [Cuddy walks in.]
Patient: Hi.
Cuddy: Hi. I’m Dr. Cuddy. Nice to meet you.
House: Dr. Cuddy, thanks for the consult. [He closes the Gameboy.] His throat seems to have some condition.
Cuddy: Say “Ah”.
Patient. Ah.
Cuddy: He has a sore throat.
House: Of course! Yes, why didn’t I... I mean, because he said that... it hurt, and I, I should have deduced that meant it was sore...
Cuddy: I was in a board meeting.
House: Patients come first, right?
Cuddy: Wouldn’t want to prescribe a lozenge if there was any doubt about it’s efficacy, huh?
House: You once asked me why I think I’m always right, and I realized that you’re right... at least, I think you’re right. I don’t really know now, do I? [Cuddy smiles.]
Patient: Hey! I’m here.
Cuddy: Go home. Drink some hot tea. [She leaves.]
House: Excellent counsel.
- - - - - - - - - -
III. It’s a game. And I'm gonna win.
[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]
House: The patient could have died.
Cuddy: The one with the pulled muscle.
House: Well, those symptoms are consistant with a dozen other conditions. [Stammers] I, you know, I’m entitled to a consult!
Cuddy: You are not getting out of clinic duty.
House: Come on. You’ve got a hundred other idiot doctors in this building who go all warm and fuzzy everytime they pull a toy car out of a nose -- you don’t need me here.
Cuddy: No, I don’t, but working with people actually makes you a better doctor.
House: When did I sign up for that course?
Cuddy: When did I give you the impression that I care? [pause]
House: Working in this clinic obviously instills a deep sense of compassion. [He starts to walk out.] I’ve got your home number, right? In case anything comes up at 3 o’clock in the morning.
Cuddy: It’s not gonna work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable: it’s a game! And I’m gonna win, because I got a head start. You are already miserable. [Cuddy leaves her office, and runs into Wilson.]
Wilson: Uh--
Cuddy: Is this important?
Wilson: Uh, no.
Cuddy: Good. [Wilson sees House exiting Cuddy's office.]
Wilson: What’s with you and her?
House: Oh, don’t.
Wilson: You have a thing for her? The only people who can get to you-
House: No! There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate. [to the pharmacist] 36 Vicodin.
Pharmacist: Who’s the patient?
House: I am.
Pharmacist: You can’t…
House: Dr. Wilson is the prescribing physician.
Wilson: Yeah. [to House] You will lie, cheat, and steal to get what you want, but you’re incapable of kissing a little ass?
House: Well, we all have our limitations. [He grabs a bottle from the counter and turns to leave.]
Wilson: House! Wrong bottle. [He gives House the right bottle.] Do me a favor. Take one of these, wait five minutes for it to kick in, and find Cuddy, and kiss her ass. [pause]
House: What was the kid’s first symptom? [pause] You did the history -- of his 800 symptoms, which one hit him first?
Wilson: Uh, the cough.
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. Musings on the power of ass-kissing, and the value of a pounding bass line.
[Cut back to the clinic. House enters to find a boy standing in the room.]
House: How you doing?
Patient: Okay.
House: Great. I’m doing good, too. I get to knock off an hour early today. Know why? ‘Cause I kissed my boss’ ass, you ever do that? I think she just said yes because she wants to reinforce that behavior. Wants me to kiss a lot of other people’s ass, like she wants me to kiss yours. What would you want -- a doctor who holds your hand while you die, or a doctor who ignores you while you get better? I guess it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.
Patient: I should go.
House: You think it’s going to come out on its own? [Patient looks unsure] Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? ‘Cause actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem. Gets wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop! Big stuff, you’re going to rip something, which speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Patient: How did you--
House: You’ve been here half an hour and you haven’t sat down, that tells me its location. You haven’t told me what it is, that tells me it’s humiliating. You have a little birdie carved on your arm, that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it’s not hemorrhoids. [pause] I’ve been a doctor 20 years, you’re not gonna surprise me.
Patient: It’s an MP3 player.
House: [has to digest this for a moment] Hm. Is it... is it because of the size, or the shape... or os it the pounding bass line?
Patient: What are we gonna do?
House: [looks at his watch] I’m gonna wait.
Patient: For what?
[Cut to House leaving the exam room.]
House: Okay, it’s 3:00, I’m off. Would you tell Dr. Cuddy there’s a patient in Exam Room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads. [smiles at his joke.]
- - - - - - - - - -
Just a quick mod note: We've pretty much conditioned everyone to expect the guide and then the picspam immediately following. I may start putting up the guides in advance. So consider this my disclaimer about potentially becoming a tease!
Writer: David Shore
Director: Bryan Singer
Original Airdate: Nov. 30, 2004
A college student collapses after rowdy sex with his girlfriend. While House and his team attempt to determine the cause, the student's condition continues to deteriorate and his symptoms multiply complicating the diagnosis.
- - - - - - - - - -
I. The Ray of Sunshine & the Bored Certified Doctor: A Love Story
[Cut to House entering the clinic.]
Cuddy: You’re half an hour late.
House: Busy case load.
Cuddy: One case is not a “load."
House: So, how are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there’s an acute shortage I could run home--
Cuddy: [looks at his leg] No, you couldn’t.
House: Nice. [He walks over to the waiting room full of patients] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! [Cuddy looks at him incredulously.] In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I’m Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I’m one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Cuddy: Short. Sweet. Grab a file.
House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital so, unfortunately, she’s much too busy to deal with you. I am a board [looks at Cuddy] certified diagnostician, with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I’m also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn’t it? [Cuddy just looks at him.] But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you’re particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It’s mine. You can’t have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem. I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [None of the clinic patients seem too eager.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two doctors? [Everyone raises their hands.] Okay, well, I’ll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.
Cuddy: Jodi Matthews? [Patient stands] Please accompany Dr. House to Exam Room 1.
- - - - - - - - - -
II. The efficacy of a lozenge
[Cut to the clinic, House is playing his Gameboy.]
Clinic patient: What are you doing?
House: Level 4.
Patient: No, no. I mean--
House: I know what you meant. We’re waiting.
Patient: My throat hurts.
House: So you said.
Patient: How long are we waiting?
House: Two minutes less then when you asked me two minutes ago. [Cuddy walks in.]
Patient: Hi.
Cuddy: Hi. I’m Dr. Cuddy. Nice to meet you.
House: Dr. Cuddy, thanks for the consult. [He closes the Gameboy.] His throat seems to have some condition.
Cuddy: Say “Ah”.
Patient. Ah.
Cuddy: He has a sore throat.
House: Of course! Yes, why didn’t I... I mean, because he said that... it hurt, and I, I should have deduced that meant it was sore...
Cuddy: I was in a board meeting.
House: Patients come first, right?
Cuddy: Wouldn’t want to prescribe a lozenge if there was any doubt about it’s efficacy, huh?
House: You once asked me why I think I’m always right, and I realized that you’re right... at least, I think you’re right. I don’t really know now, do I? [Cuddy smiles.]
Patient: Hey! I’m here.
Cuddy: Go home. Drink some hot tea. [She leaves.]
House: Excellent counsel.
- - - - - - - - - -
III. It’s a game. And I'm gonna win.
[Cut to Cuddy’s office.]
House: The patient could have died.
Cuddy: The one with the pulled muscle.
House: Well, those symptoms are consistant with a dozen other conditions. [Stammers] I, you know, I’m entitled to a consult!
Cuddy: You are not getting out of clinic duty.
House: Come on. You’ve got a hundred other idiot doctors in this building who go all warm and fuzzy everytime they pull a toy car out of a nose -- you don’t need me here.
Cuddy: No, I don’t, but working with people actually makes you a better doctor.
House: When did I sign up for that course?
Cuddy: When did I give you the impression that I care? [pause]
House: Working in this clinic obviously instills a deep sense of compassion. [He starts to walk out.] I’ve got your home number, right? In case anything comes up at 3 o’clock in the morning.
Cuddy: It’s not gonna work. You know why? Because this is fun. You think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make you miserable: it’s a game! And I’m gonna win, because I got a head start. You are already miserable. [Cuddy leaves her office, and runs into Wilson.]
Wilson: Uh--
Cuddy: Is this important?
Wilson: Uh, no.
Cuddy: Good. [Wilson sees House exiting Cuddy's office.]
Wilson: What’s with you and her?
House: Oh, don’t.
Wilson: You have a thing for her? The only people who can get to you-
House: No! There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate. [to the pharmacist] 36 Vicodin.
Pharmacist: Who’s the patient?
House: I am.
Pharmacist: You can’t…
House: Dr. Wilson is the prescribing physician.
Wilson: Yeah. [to House] You will lie, cheat, and steal to get what you want, but you’re incapable of kissing a little ass?
House: Well, we all have our limitations. [He grabs a bottle from the counter and turns to leave.]
Wilson: House! Wrong bottle. [He gives House the right bottle.] Do me a favor. Take one of these, wait five minutes for it to kick in, and find Cuddy, and kiss her ass. [pause]
House: What was the kid’s first symptom? [pause] You did the history -- of his 800 symptoms, which one hit him first?
Wilson: Uh, the cough.
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. Musings on the power of ass-kissing, and the value of a pounding bass line.
[Cut back to the clinic. House enters to find a boy standing in the room.]
House: How you doing?
Patient: Okay.
House: Great. I’m doing good, too. I get to knock off an hour early today. Know why? ‘Cause I kissed my boss’ ass, you ever do that? I think she just said yes because she wants to reinforce that behavior. Wants me to kiss a lot of other people’s ass, like she wants me to kiss yours. What would you want -- a doctor who holds your hand while you die, or a doctor who ignores you while you get better? I guess it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.
Patient: I should go.
House: You think it’s going to come out on its own? [Patient looks unsure] Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? ‘Cause actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem. Gets wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop! Big stuff, you’re going to rip something, which speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Patient: How did you--
House: You’ve been here half an hour and you haven’t sat down, that tells me its location. You haven’t told me what it is, that tells me it’s humiliating. You have a little birdie carved on your arm, that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it’s not hemorrhoids. [pause] I’ve been a doctor 20 years, you’re not gonna surprise me.
Patient: It’s an MP3 player.
House: [has to digest this for a moment] Hm. Is it... is it because of the size, or the shape... or os it the pounding bass line?
Patient: What are we gonna do?
House: [looks at his watch] I’m gonna wait.
Patient: For what?
[Cut to House leaving the exam room.]
House: Okay, it’s 3:00, I’m off. Would you tell Dr. Cuddy there’s a patient in Exam Room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads. [smiles at his joke.]
- - - - - - - - - -
Just a quick mod note: We've pretty much conditioned everyone to expect the guide and then the picspam immediately following. I may start putting up the guides in advance. So consider this my disclaimer about potentially becoming a tease!