GUIDE: 1x02 Paternity
1x02 - PATERNITY
Writer: Lawrence Kaplow
Director: Peter O'Fallon
Original Airdate: Nov. 23, 2004
When a teenage lacrosse player is stricken with an unidentifiable brain disease, Dr. House and the team hustle to give his parents answers. As the boy's health deteriorates, House's side-bet on the paternity of the patient infuriates Dr. Cuddy and the teenager's parents, but may just pay off in spades.
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I. House "dutifully" serves his time in the clinic
[House is in an exam room in the clinic, alone. Wilson enters]
Wilson: Hey!
House: Close the door. Close the door!
Wilson: Is Cuddy down the hall counting to 50?
House: She’s knows I’m in here, the clinic, as she commanded; she just doesn’t know I’m alone.
Wilson: Well, you’ve got a full waiting room, how long do you think you can ignore them?
House: I’m off at 4:00.
Wilson: You’re doing this to avoid 5 minutes of work?
House: I go out there, I get assigned a kid with a runny nose. That’s 30 seconds looking at the nose; 25 minutes talking to a worried mom who won’t leave until she sure it’s not meningitis or a tumor.
Wilson: Yes, concerned parents can be so annoying. Just tell Cuddy you’ve got an urgent case, you had to leave early.
House: That would be lying.
Wilson: And that would be wrong. But luckily, the definition of urgent is fungible.
[Wilson goes to leave]
House: Not the definition of case though.
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II. The cutest little tennis outfit
[Cut to outside hospital. House is approaching, and Cuddy is leaving.]
House: Dr. Cuddy, great outfit.
Cuddy: What are you doing back here? Patient?
House: No, hooker. Went to my office instead of my home.
[House walks off and Cuddy leaves looking a tad disgusted]
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III. My guy will call your guy
[Cut to elevator. See House and Wilson exiting.]
Wilson: You actually treated him?
House: All I know is that he sued some doctors, who am I to assume that they didn’t have it coming to them.
[House spots Cuddy coming down the stairs as he and Wilson step off the elevator]
House: The cutest little tennis outfit, my God I thought I was going to have a heart attack. [Acts like he just realized that Cuddy was there.] Oh my, I didn’t see you there, that is so embarrassing.
Cuddy: How’s your hooker doing?
House: Oh, sweet of you to ask. Funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but just hated having to screw people like that.
Cuddy: I heard you found her on the roof.
House: You have very acute hearing.
Cuddy: You notify the parents?
House: In due course, of course.
Cuddy: And is there a paternity bet on the father of the patient?
House: [Turns to Wilson] Doesn’t sound like me.
Wilson: Well, it does actually, but that doesn’t mean you’re guilty.
House: You think?
Cuddy: I saw the parents in the lobby. Smart money is obviously on the father.
House: [Leans in toward Cuddy] My guy knows a guy who can get you in for 50 bucks.
Cuddy: Fine. Tell your guy if I win, you attend the faculty symposium and you wear a tie.
House: And if I win, no clinic hours for a week.
Cuddy: My guy will call your guy.
[Cuddy walks off, Wilson looks impressed]
Wilson: She’s very good at her job.
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IV. Cuddy gets an update on the progress of House's case
[Cut to Cuddy’s office. Dan’s parents are there.]
Cuddy: It’s not a good idea to move your son in his condition.
Mom: We just want a second opinion.
Dad: We need an answer.
[House comes into the office.]
House: You idiots! You lied to me!
Dad: We didn’t lie about anything. You, on the other hand, accused us of molesting our son.
Cuddy: Perfect.
House: Can we get off my screw-ups and focus on theirs? Theirs is bigger. You’re not Dan’s parents.
Mom: We’re his parents.
Dad: He was adopted. He doesn’t need to know.
House: I do.
Dad: Adoption makes us just as much his--
House: Listen, when we were taking his medical history, were you confused? Did you think we were looking for a genetic clue to his condition, or did you think we were trying to ascertain who loves him the most in the whole wide world?
Cuddy: How did you find out about this?
House: I sampled their DNA.
Dad: We didn’t give you any DNA.
House: Your coffee cups from the cafeteria.
Cuddy: You can’t do that!
House: Again, why are we getting hung up on what I did? [Turns to Dan’s parents] Your medical history is useless.
Dad: No, we gave you a detailed history of his biological mother.
Mom: Her history; non-smoker, good health, low cholesterol, no blood pressure problems.
Dad: Dan was adopted two weeks after he was born. You have his history. There’s nothing you need to know that we didn’t tell you.
Cuddy: Sounds reasonable. Well, if you want to transfer your boy that is your choice. I still think it’s the wrong--
House: Was she vaccinated?
House: (cont'd) The biological mother, when she was a baby, did she get her vaccinations?
Dad: Dan was vaccinated at 6 months.
House: Mmhmm. Do you know why kids get vaccinated at 6 months? Because before that, they are protected by their biological mother’s immune system. So, was she vaccinated?
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V. House makes Cuddy pay; only after Cuddy makes House pay
[Cut to Cuddy’s office]
Cuddy: You can’t order a $3,200 DNA test to win a bet.
House: It’s not an actual cost. I don’t know if you know this, but the hospital actually owns the sequencing machine.
Cuddy: I’m serious.
House: Well, tell the parents to submit the bill to insurance.
Cuddy: Insurance is not going to pay for a bet.
House: It should. If we don’t make that bet, the kid dies. If not for the paternity bet, I never would have taken their DNA. Without their DNA we never would have discovered that Dan was adopted, which was the key to this case. You just don’t want to pay your end. Big mistake. My guy knows a guy.
Cuddy: Fine. I will let you out of clinic duty for one week, after you pay the $3,200 for the PCR test.
[House sighs and picks up his cane. He limps over to her desk, and slams his cane down.]
Cuddy: [feigns fear] Whoo.
House: Well now, there’s the $100 you owe me. There’s the $100 I won from Cameron, $200 I took off of Foreman. And $600 I got from Wilson. Very bitter.
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Writer: Lawrence Kaplow
Director: Peter O'Fallon
Original Airdate: Nov. 23, 2004
When a teenage lacrosse player is stricken with an unidentifiable brain disease, Dr. House and the team hustle to give his parents answers. As the boy's health deteriorates, House's side-bet on the paternity of the patient infuriates Dr. Cuddy and the teenager's parents, but may just pay off in spades.
- - - - - - - - - -
I. House "dutifully" serves his time in the clinic
[House is in an exam room in the clinic, alone. Wilson enters]
Wilson: Hey!
House: Close the door. Close the door!
Wilson: Is Cuddy down the hall counting to 50?
House: She’s knows I’m in here, the clinic, as she commanded; she just doesn’t know I’m alone.
Wilson: Well, you’ve got a full waiting room, how long do you think you can ignore them?
House: I’m off at 4:00.
Wilson: You’re doing this to avoid 5 minutes of work?
House: I go out there, I get assigned a kid with a runny nose. That’s 30 seconds looking at the nose; 25 minutes talking to a worried mom who won’t leave until she sure it’s not meningitis or a tumor.
Wilson: Yes, concerned parents can be so annoying. Just tell Cuddy you’ve got an urgent case, you had to leave early.
House: That would be lying.
Wilson: And that would be wrong. But luckily, the definition of urgent is fungible.
[Wilson goes to leave]
House: Not the definition of case though.
- - - - - - - - - -
II. The cutest little tennis outfit
[Cut to outside hospital. House is approaching, and Cuddy is leaving.]
House: Dr. Cuddy, great outfit.
Cuddy: What are you doing back here? Patient?
House: No, hooker. Went to my office instead of my home.
[House walks off and Cuddy leaves looking a tad disgusted]
- - - - - - - - - -
III. My guy will call your guy
[Cut to elevator. See House and Wilson exiting.]
Wilson: You actually treated him?
House: All I know is that he sued some doctors, who am I to assume that they didn’t have it coming to them.
[House spots Cuddy coming down the stairs as he and Wilson step off the elevator]
House: The cutest little tennis outfit, my God I thought I was going to have a heart attack. [Acts like he just realized that Cuddy was there.] Oh my, I didn’t see you there, that is so embarrassing.
Cuddy: How’s your hooker doing?
House: Oh, sweet of you to ask. Funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but just hated having to screw people like that.
Cuddy: I heard you found her on the roof.
House: You have very acute hearing.
Cuddy: You notify the parents?
House: In due course, of course.
Cuddy: And is there a paternity bet on the father of the patient?
House: [Turns to Wilson] Doesn’t sound like me.
Wilson: Well, it does actually, but that doesn’t mean you’re guilty.
House: You think?
Cuddy: I saw the parents in the lobby. Smart money is obviously on the father.
House: [Leans in toward Cuddy] My guy knows a guy who can get you in for 50 bucks.
Cuddy: Fine. Tell your guy if I win, you attend the faculty symposium and you wear a tie.
House: And if I win, no clinic hours for a week.
Cuddy: My guy will call your guy.
[Cuddy walks off, Wilson looks impressed]
Wilson: She’s very good at her job.
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. Cuddy gets an update on the progress of House's case
[Cut to Cuddy’s office. Dan’s parents are there.]
Cuddy: It’s not a good idea to move your son in his condition.
Mom: We just want a second opinion.
Dad: We need an answer.
[House comes into the office.]
House: You idiots! You lied to me!
Dad: We didn’t lie about anything. You, on the other hand, accused us of molesting our son.
Cuddy: Perfect.
House: Can we get off my screw-ups and focus on theirs? Theirs is bigger. You’re not Dan’s parents.
Mom: We’re his parents.
Dad: He was adopted. He doesn’t need to know.
House: I do.
Dad: Adoption makes us just as much his--
House: Listen, when we were taking his medical history, were you confused? Did you think we were looking for a genetic clue to his condition, or did you think we were trying to ascertain who loves him the most in the whole wide world?
Cuddy: How did you find out about this?
House: I sampled their DNA.
Dad: We didn’t give you any DNA.
House: Your coffee cups from the cafeteria.
Cuddy: You can’t do that!
House: Again, why are we getting hung up on what I did? [Turns to Dan’s parents] Your medical history is useless.
Dad: No, we gave you a detailed history of his biological mother.
Mom: Her history; non-smoker, good health, low cholesterol, no blood pressure problems.
Dad: Dan was adopted two weeks after he was born. You have his history. There’s nothing you need to know that we didn’t tell you.
Cuddy: Sounds reasonable. Well, if you want to transfer your boy that is your choice. I still think it’s the wrong--
House: Was she vaccinated?
House: (cont'd) The biological mother, when she was a baby, did she get her vaccinations?
Dad: Dan was vaccinated at 6 months.
House: Mmhmm. Do you know why kids get vaccinated at 6 months? Because before that, they are protected by their biological mother’s immune system. So, was she vaccinated?
- - - - - - - - - -
V. House makes Cuddy pay; only after Cuddy makes House pay
[Cut to Cuddy’s office]
Cuddy: You can’t order a $3,200 DNA test to win a bet.
House: It’s not an actual cost. I don’t know if you know this, but the hospital actually owns the sequencing machine.
Cuddy: I’m serious.
House: Well, tell the parents to submit the bill to insurance.
Cuddy: Insurance is not going to pay for a bet.
House: It should. If we don’t make that bet, the kid dies. If not for the paternity bet, I never would have taken their DNA. Without their DNA we never would have discovered that Dan was adopted, which was the key to this case. You just don’t want to pay your end. Big mistake. My guy knows a guy.
Cuddy: Fine. I will let you out of clinic duty for one week, after you pay the $3,200 for the PCR test.
[House sighs and picks up his cane. He limps over to her desk, and slams his cane down.]
Cuddy: [feigns fear] Whoo.
House: Well now, there’s the $100 you owe me. There’s the $100 I won from Cameron, $200 I took off of Foreman. And $600 I got from Wilson. Very bitter.
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