PICSPAM: 1x02 Paternity
1x02 - PATERNITY
Writer: Lawrence Kaplow
Director: Peter O'Fallon
Original Airdate: Nov. 23, 2004
When a teenage lacrosse player is stricken with an unidentifiable brain disease, Dr. House and the team hustle to give his parents answers. As the boy's health deteriorates, House's side-bet on the paternity of the patient infuriates Dr. Cuddy and the teenager's parents, but may just pay off in spades.
I. House "dutifully" serves his time in the clinic
[House is in an exam room in the clinic, alone. Wilson enters]
Wilson: Hey!
House: Close the door. Close the door!
Wilson: Is Cuddy down the hall counting to 50?
House: She’s knows I’m in here, the clinic, as she commanded; she just doesn’t know I’m alone.
Wilson: Well, you’ve got a full waiting room, how long do you think you can ignore them?
House: I’m off at 4:00.
Wilson: You’re doing this to avoid 5 minutes of work?
House: I go out there, I get assigned a kid with a runny nose. That’s 30 seconds looking at the nose; 25 minutes talking to a worried mom who won’t leave until she sure it’s not meningitis or a tumor.
Wilson: Yes, concerned parents can be so annoying. Just tell Cuddy you’ve got an urgent case, you had to leave early.
House: That would be lying.
Wilson: And that would be wrong. But luckily, the definition of urgent is fungible.
[He goes to leave]
House: Not the definition of case though.
- - - - - - - - - -
II. The cutest little tennis outfit
[Cut to outside hospital. House is approaching, and Cuddy is leaving.]
House: Dr. Cuddy, hm, great outfit. *snaps mental picture for future use*
Cuddy: What are you doing back here? Patient? (Along with a mental note to check on his patients late at night more often.)
House: No, hooker. Went to my office instead of my home. (Except now House probably won't need the hooker)
[House walks off and Cuddy leaves looking a tad disgusted]
- - - - - - - - - -
III. My guy will call your guy
[Cut to elevator. See House and Wilson exiting.]
Wilson: You actually treated him?
House: All I know is that he sued some doctors, who am I to assume that they didn’t have it coming to them.
[House spots Cuddy coming down the stairs as he and Wilson step off the elevator]
House: The cutest little tennis outfit, my God I thought I was going to have a heart attack. [Acts like he just realized that Cuddy was there.] Oh my, I didn’t see you there, that is so embarrassing.
Cuddy: How’s your hooker doing?
House: Oh, sweet of you to ask. Funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but just hated having to screw people like that. (Best thing ever? Wilson following their verbal sparring with great admiration. And the sex, too; also the best thing ever.)
Cuddy: I heard you found her on the roof.
House: You have very acute hearing. And acute ass, acute rack...
Cuddy: You notify the parents?
House: In due course, of course.
Cuddy: And is there a paternity bet on the father of the patient?
House: [Turns to Wilson] Doesn’t sound like me.
Wilson: Well, it does actually, but that doesn’t mean you’re guilty.
House: You think?
Cuddy: I saw the parents in the lobby. Smart money is obviously on the father.
House: [Leans in toward Cuddy] My guy knows a guy who can get you in for 50 bucks.
Cuddy: Fine. Tell your guy if I win, you attend the faculty symposium and you wear a tie. And afterwards, in my office, wearing only the tie.
House: And if I win, no clinic hours for a week.
Cuddy: My guy will call your guy. (I'm quite certain I couldn't muster anything other than a keysmash here, but I felt like I couldn't NOT address it, so: askdh;asl!!)
[Cuddy walks off, Wilson looks impressed]
Wilson: She’s very good at her job.
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. Cuddy gets caught up on the progress of House's case
[Cut to Cuddy’s office. Dan’s parents are there.]
Cuddy: It’s not a good idea to move your son in his condition.
Mom: We just want a second opinion.
Dad: We need an answer.
[House comes into the office.]
House: You idiots! You lied to me!
Dad: We didn’t lie about anything. You, on the other hand, accused us of molesting our son.
Cuddy: Perfect. Busted!
House: Can we get off my screw-ups and focus on theirs? Theirs is bigger. You’re not Dan’s parents. (House puts on his best, "but MOM!" face)
Mom: We’re his parents.
Dad: He was adopted. He doesn’t need to know.
House: I do.
Dad: Adoption makes us just as much his--
House: Listen, when we were taking his medical history, were you confused? Did you think we were looking for a genetic clue to his condition, or did you think we were trying to ascertain who loves him the most in the whole wide world?
Cuddy: How did you find out about this? (Yes, Cuddy, protect your investments!)
House: I sampled their DNA.
Dad: We didn’t give you any DNA.
House: Your coffee cups from the cafeteria.
Cuddy: You can’t do that! (The first shot is blurry, but oh so adorable as well, yes?)
House: Again, why are we getting hung up on what I did? [Turns to Dan’s parents] Your medical history is useless.
Dad: No, we gave you a detailed history of his biological mother.
Mom: Her history; non-smoker, good health, low cholesterol, no blood pressure problems.
Dad: Dan was adopted two weeks after he was born. You have his history. There’s nothing you need to know that we didn’t tell you.
Cuddy: Sounds reasonable. Well, if you want to transfer your boy that is your choice. I still think it’s the wrong--
House: Was she vaccinated?
House: (cont'd) The biological mother, when she was a baby, did she get her vaccinations? (Cuddy spots House's mojo. Medical mojo, in this case.)
Dad: Dan was vaccinated at 6 months.
House: Mmhmm. Do you know why kids get vaccinated at 6 months? Because before that, they are protected by their biological mother’s immune system. So, was she vaccinated?
- - - - - - - - - -
V. House makes Cuddy pay; only after Cuddy makes House pay
[Cut to Cuddy’s office] Get ready for cap overload. I totally cheated here and broke up longer sections of dialogue into single sentences because that meant I could comfortably include more caps. I DON'T hate myself for it, either.
Cuddy: You can’t order a $3,200 DNA test to win a bet.
House: It’s not an actual cost. I don’t know if you know this, but the hospital actually owns the sequencing machine.
Cuddy: I’m serious.
House: Well, tell the parents to submit the bill to insurance. (Even though Cuddy is "serious," House puts on his best puppy dog face. Every little bit helps!)
Cuddy: Insurance is not going to pay for a bet. (In little bottles. Cuddy/LE keeps our heterosexualtiy in little bottles, displayed in a trophy case somewhere.)
House: It should. If we don’t make that bet, the kid dies. (I wonder how many times House has had to undergo a tax audit? I wonder how many times he's successfully argued his case for every lapse?)
House: If not for the paternity bet, I never would have taken their DNA. (See Jenn cheat.)
House: Without their DNA we never would have discovered that Dan was adopted, which was the key to this case. (And cheat.)
House: You just don’t want to pay your end. (And shamelessly cheat)
House: Big mistake. (Still cheating, but also flailing and waving goodbye to my heterosexuality.)
House: My guy knows a guy. (This is my favorite kind of H/C scene. With sexful sparring and glances and eye sex. References to the mob. All kinds of sex here, really. Wow, that was me trying to be somewhat serious. I'm hopeless.)
Cuddy: Fine. I will let you out of clinic duty for one week-
Cuddy: After you pay the $3,200 for the PCR test.
[House sighs and picks up his cane. He limps over to her desk, and slams his cane down.] There's a cane joke to be made... somewhere. House lays his hard wood before Cuddy... Yeah, I've got nothing.
Cuddy: Whoo. (Cane joke followed by, "Cuddy shivers in anticipation"?)
House: Well now, there’s the $100 you owe me. (I'm about to cheat SO much)
House: There’s the $100 I won from Cameron
House: $200 I took off of Foreman.
House: And $600 I got from Wilson. (And Cuddy still kinda wins.)
House: Very bitter. Sex now?
Writer: Lawrence Kaplow
Director: Peter O'Fallon
Original Airdate: Nov. 23, 2004
When a teenage lacrosse player is stricken with an unidentifiable brain disease, Dr. House and the team hustle to give his parents answers. As the boy's health deteriorates, House's side-bet on the paternity of the patient infuriates Dr. Cuddy and the teenager's parents, but may just pay off in spades.
I. House "dutifully" serves his time in the clinic
[House is in an exam room in the clinic, alone. Wilson enters]
Wilson: Hey!
House: Close the door. Close the door!
Wilson: Is Cuddy down the hall counting to 50?
House: She’s knows I’m in here, the clinic, as she commanded; she just doesn’t know I’m alone.
Wilson: Well, you’ve got a full waiting room, how long do you think you can ignore them?
House: I’m off at 4:00.
Wilson: You’re doing this to avoid 5 minutes of work?
House: I go out there, I get assigned a kid with a runny nose. That’s 30 seconds looking at the nose; 25 minutes talking to a worried mom who won’t leave until she sure it’s not meningitis or a tumor.
Wilson: Yes, concerned parents can be so annoying. Just tell Cuddy you’ve got an urgent case, you had to leave early.
House: That would be lying.
Wilson: And that would be wrong. But luckily, the definition of urgent is fungible.
[He goes to leave]
House: Not the definition of case though.
- - - - - - - - - -
II. The cutest little tennis outfit
[Cut to outside hospital. House is approaching, and Cuddy is leaving.]
House: Dr. Cuddy, hm, great outfit. *snaps mental picture for future use*
Cuddy: What are you doing back here? Patient? (Along with a mental note to check on his patients late at night more often.)
House: No, hooker. Went to my office instead of my home. (Except now House probably won't need the hooker)
[House walks off and Cuddy leaves looking a tad disgusted]
- - - - - - - - - -
III. My guy will call your guy
[Cut to elevator. See House and Wilson exiting.]
Wilson: You actually treated him?
House: All I know is that he sued some doctors, who am I to assume that they didn’t have it coming to them.
[House spots Cuddy coming down the stairs as he and Wilson step off the elevator]
House: The cutest little tennis outfit, my God I thought I was going to have a heart attack. [Acts like he just realized that Cuddy was there.] Oh my, I didn’t see you there, that is so embarrassing.
Cuddy: How’s your hooker doing?
House: Oh, sweet of you to ask. Funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but just hated having to screw people like that. (Best thing ever? Wilson following their verbal sparring with great admiration. And the sex, too; also the best thing ever.)
Cuddy: I heard you found her on the roof.
House: You have very acute hearing. And acute ass, acute rack...
Cuddy: You notify the parents?
House: In due course, of course.
Cuddy: And is there a paternity bet on the father of the patient?
House: [Turns to Wilson] Doesn’t sound like me.
Wilson: Well, it does actually, but that doesn’t mean you’re guilty.
House: You think?
Cuddy: I saw the parents in the lobby. Smart money is obviously on the father.
House: [Leans in toward Cuddy] My guy knows a guy who can get you in for 50 bucks.
Cuddy: Fine. Tell your guy if I win, you attend the faculty symposium and you wear a tie. And afterwards, in my office, wearing only the tie.
House: And if I win, no clinic hours for a week.
Cuddy: My guy will call your guy. (I'm quite certain I couldn't muster anything other than a keysmash here, but I felt like I couldn't NOT address it, so: askdh;asl!!)
[Cuddy walks off, Wilson looks impressed]
Wilson: She’s very good at her job.
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. Cuddy gets caught up on the progress of House's case
[Cut to Cuddy’s office. Dan’s parents are there.]
Cuddy: It’s not a good idea to move your son in his condition.
Mom: We just want a second opinion.
Dad: We need an answer.
[House comes into the office.]
House: You idiots! You lied to me!
Dad: We didn’t lie about anything. You, on the other hand, accused us of molesting our son.
Cuddy: Perfect. Busted!
House: Can we get off my screw-ups and focus on theirs? Theirs is bigger. You’re not Dan’s parents. (House puts on his best, "but MOM!" face)
Mom: We’re his parents.
Dad: He was adopted. He doesn’t need to know.
House: I do.
Dad: Adoption makes us just as much his--
House: Listen, when we were taking his medical history, were you confused? Did you think we were looking for a genetic clue to his condition, or did you think we were trying to ascertain who loves him the most in the whole wide world?
Cuddy: How did you find out about this? (Yes, Cuddy, protect your investments!)
House: I sampled their DNA.
Dad: We didn’t give you any DNA.
House: Your coffee cups from the cafeteria.
Cuddy: You can’t do that! (The first shot is blurry, but oh so adorable as well, yes?)
House: Again, why are we getting hung up on what I did? [Turns to Dan’s parents] Your medical history is useless.
Dad: No, we gave you a detailed history of his biological mother.
Mom: Her history; non-smoker, good health, low cholesterol, no blood pressure problems.
Dad: Dan was adopted two weeks after he was born. You have his history. There’s nothing you need to know that we didn’t tell you.
Cuddy: Sounds reasonable. Well, if you want to transfer your boy that is your choice. I still think it’s the wrong--
House: Was she vaccinated?
House: (cont'd) The biological mother, when she was a baby, did she get her vaccinations? (Cuddy spots House's mojo. Medical mojo, in this case.)
Dad: Dan was vaccinated at 6 months.
House: Mmhmm. Do you know why kids get vaccinated at 6 months? Because before that, they are protected by their biological mother’s immune system. So, was she vaccinated?
- - - - - - - - - -
V. House makes Cuddy pay; only after Cuddy makes House pay
[Cut to Cuddy’s office] Get ready for cap overload. I totally cheated here and broke up longer sections of dialogue into single sentences because that meant I could comfortably include more caps. I DON'T hate myself for it, either.
Cuddy: You can’t order a $3,200 DNA test to win a bet.
House: It’s not an actual cost. I don’t know if you know this, but the hospital actually owns the sequencing machine.
Cuddy: I’m serious.
House: Well, tell the parents to submit the bill to insurance. (Even though Cuddy is "serious," House puts on his best puppy dog face. Every little bit helps!)
Cuddy: Insurance is not going to pay for a bet. (In little bottles. Cuddy/LE keeps our heterosexualtiy in little bottles, displayed in a trophy case somewhere.)
House: It should. If we don’t make that bet, the kid dies. (I wonder how many times House has had to undergo a tax audit? I wonder how many times he's successfully argued his case for every lapse?)
House: If not for the paternity bet, I never would have taken their DNA. (See Jenn cheat.)
House: Without their DNA we never would have discovered that Dan was adopted, which was the key to this case. (And cheat.)
House: You just don’t want to pay your end. (And shamelessly cheat)
House: Big mistake. (Still cheating, but also flailing and waving goodbye to my heterosexuality.)
House: My guy knows a guy. (This is my favorite kind of H/C scene. With sexful sparring and glances and eye sex. References to the mob. All kinds of sex here, really. Wow, that was me trying to be somewhat serious. I'm hopeless.)
Cuddy: Fine. I will let you out of clinic duty for one week-
Cuddy: After you pay the $3,200 for the PCR test.
[House sighs and picks up his cane. He limps over to her desk, and slams his cane down.] There's a cane joke to be made... somewhere. House lays his hard wood before Cuddy... Yeah, I've got nothing.
Cuddy: Whoo. (Cane joke followed by, "Cuddy shivers in anticipation"?)
House: Well now, there’s the $100 you owe me. (I'm about to cheat SO much)
House: There’s the $100 I won from Cameron
House: $200 I took off of Foreman.
House: And $600 I got from Wilson. (And Cuddy still kinda wins.)
House: Very bitter. Sex now?