PICSPAM: 4X01 ALONE
4x01 - ALONE
Writer: Peter Blake
Director: Deran Serafian
Original Airdate: 25 Sep 2007
House tries to function without a team - Wilson and Cuddy have different ideas about how to convince House to interview fellowship candidates.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Welcome to the House & Cuddy show! Well, almost. 4x01 was a gold-star episode for us, all round. But this totally means that what follows is NOT IN ANY WAY DIAL-UP-FRIENDLY. I had to be less flaily with it too, or I'd be doing this for AGES. A tip: the caps now contain flailage as well... heh!
- - - - - - - - - -
I. Cuddy wants House to hire a new team
[House is playing his electric guitar and knocks off a pretty impressive riff when Cuddy walks into the room. Finally! He was getting tired of waiting for his day to start.]
Cuddy: Twenty-six-year-old female, gas main exploded under her building, she was pulled out of the rubble after six hours.
[House doesn't care. He plays the same riff again.]
Cuddy: [waits for him to finish] Two surgeries for multiple fractures and burns...
House: I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head.
[He shrugs and continues playing. She walks closer to him.]
Cuddy: And the fever? She's the only collapse victim whose body temperature...
House: Put her on antipyretics. [He continues playing the guitar. Cuddy patiently waits for him to stop.]
Cuddy: Already have. The fever's holding at a hundred-and-four. Fluctuating consciousness.
House: Can't take the case. I don't have a team. I'll take you though. In your office okay with you?
Cuddy: [holds up a stack of résumés] So hire a team. EEK. CUDDY IS SO CUTE.
House: What for? I don't have a case.
Cuddy: Have you even interviewed anybody?
House: You test drive a car before you buy it. You have sex before you get married. As you very well know, ahem. I can't hire a team based on a ten-minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them? I'll hire you though. Anytime.
[He pouts and twangs the guitar, then starts to play again. She walks over to the amplifier and yanks out the cable.]
Cuddy: [puts on her withholding-sex-from-House-face] You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert is over.
House: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?
Cuddy: Take the case or you will spend the next month helping the collapse team change bandages. When you're not chained to my bed atoning for your sins in not listening to me!
House: I diagnose her... alone ... by the end of the day, you go away for a week. With me. To the Bahamas. For lots and lots of monkey sex!
Cuddy: Done. Oooh. Sexy!Cuddy!
[She dangles the guitar cable in front of him; he takes it and she walks out.]
ASLAFJALSALSKFJDKAL!! WHO ELSE JUST WENT GAY THERE? OMG. CUDDY. IS. SUCH. A. FLIRT.
- - - - - - - - - -
II. Cuddy & Wilson confer
Wilson: It's not gonna work.
Cuddy: If he solves the case, we cure the girl.
Wilson: And prove he doesn't need a team.
Cuddy: He's not gonna solve the case. Not that fast.
Wilson: Why not?
Cuddy: Because he needs a team! And this'll prove to him...
Wilson: You wanna change his mind about something, you need a more convincing argument than "you promised".
- - - - - - - - - -
III. Cuddy tries to mediate
Ben: He's a janitor?
House: More significantly, a blabbermouth.
[Cuddy moves her monitor out of the way, so she can look directly at House.]
Cuddy: House, shut up! I am... very sorry how Dr. House handled this. It is completely unforgivable. He should have been expending his energies in my direction instead. Sexually, of course.
[House gives her a look.]
Cuddy: Except if he's right... Dialysis will filter her blood.
Ben: There's nothing to filter.
Cuddy: Save her life.
Ben: She wasn't depressed.
House: "I'm miserable around Ben." Not me. I like Ben. [pulling out a diary] February 12th. [tosses it to Ben] Either she's depressed, or she just thinks you're a jerk. Neither suggests that you should be the one directing her medical treatment.
Mrs Bradberry: Does the diary say my daughter's taking these drugs?
House: No, but medically...
Mrs Bradberry: Did you find drugs in their home?
House: She's probably hiding them in her purse. I thought it'd be rude to go searching under a thousand tons of rubble.
Ben: This was months ago. We were in a fight. Doesn't mean she's depressed and it doesn't mean she doesn't love me.
House: Fine, maybe the diary proves nothing. On the other hand, half the country's on antidepressants. And it fits her symptoms perfectly. [to Mrs. Bradberry] No ring on your daughter's finger means you make the decisions.
Mrs Bradberry: I-I'm not sure... that I know her well enough anymore.
House: You really wanna risk her life on how well he knows her?
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. All bets are off
[Cuddy is already sitting in House's office, playing with a ball of rubber bands she obviously stole off his table.]
Cuddy: We shocked her back into sinus rhythm, but she's still tachycardic.
House: Fascinating. Equally fascinating is... why are you here? Besides the obvious table sex, of course.
Cuddy: I was gonna leave you alone if you won the bet. [smiling] But you lost. You're gonna have to wear my thong for a week now...
House: I explained the fever. Which is all we were talking about. [He picks up an envelope bearing cutouts of "Dr." and "House". He opens it.] She confirmed the antidepressants. Go bet with someone else if you want to explain the heart problems.
Cuddy: She confirmed them by winking. Maybe there was a cute guy across the room. It couldn't have been you, since I'm pretty sure you were in my office at the time...
[House extracts a Polaroid of his guitar with a copy of the day's newspaper in front of it.]
House: She got better when I treated her. Even I'm not that cute.
Cuddy: Two unrelated symptoms, just a coincidence. Or... you're grasping at straws to avoid admitting you can't do this on your own.
House: Fine, what explains the fever and persistent tachycardia?
[He walks towards the meeting room. Cuddy follows.]
Cuddy: Could be anything. Endocarditis.
House: Nope. Fever, no infection.
Cuddy: [thinking] Um...
House: [hands her a marker] Keep going, you're doing great.
[He leaves. She sighs.]
- - - - - - - - - -
V. Cuddy seduces House House makes another guess
[While waiting, Cuddy has hopped up on the glass table.]
[The whiteboard is blank - as House notices when he enters. He pointedly checks behind it.]
House: Huh! You didn't write anything. So what you're saying is, you didn't find that one big explanation... 'cause there isn't one. Clever.
Cuddy: Well, let's just say, your antidepressant theory does explain the fever. What about the heart? And don't say a building fell on her.
House: Okay... [clears his throat] A structure collapsed...
Cuddy: Shut up.
House: Come on, it fits. Crushed musculature releases potassium, causes v-tach.
ADKLJSLDJSLFJDFLJDLGJDLJSLALSALLALAJKDKSDKDSLKLSDJLJSL~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cuddy: You'd think she'd get crush syndrome after she was crushed, not two days later.
House: Microvascular occlusions. Takes that long for the blood to reperfuse.
[Cuddy kinda likes that idea.]
Cuddy: She'd have a baggy heart. [tosses him the marker] Echo it to confirm.
[She walks out.]
- - - - - - - - - -
VI. Bickering in front of patients
[House is standing next to Cuddy in her office.]
Mrs Bradberry: The DTs?
Ben: So she's an alcoholic now?
House: Her first fever was from the medication for her depression.
Ben: Or you're wrong.
House: The second fever was from the self-medication for depression.
Ben: This is insane. You don't think I would have noticed her being constantly drunk?
House: [shrugs] You were practically living with Sylvia Plath. You didn't notice that.
Cuddy: [fiercely, to him, not really sotto voce] Tone it down or I will hit you. And I don't mean with those whips in my closet either...
House: Fine, I'll do liver enzyme tests.
Cuddy: [whispers urgently to him] Liver enzymes can also be elevated from musculoskeletal trauma. They'd be there whether she had a drinking problem or not.
House: [whispers back] They don't know that. Just pretend to confirm.
Mrs Bradberry: What's the treatment?
Ben: She's not an alcoholic.
House: Hair of the dog, IV alcohol. Taper it off after a few days.
Ben: She's sick and traumatized and half-dead. You wanna make her drunk.
Mrs Bradberry: [weakly] Just do it.
Ben: You can't do this. We lived together, we were gonna have kids. You barely even knew her.
Mrs Bradberry: Apparently, neither did you.
- - - - - - - - - -
VII. Cuddy is done enabling House
[Cuddy enters the hospital lobby. House sneaks up behind her.]
House: [cheerful] Morning!
Cuddy: [jumps] Uh-huh. Where did you come from?
[They stop at the nurse's station; Cuddy signs some papers.]
House: Apes, if you believe the Democrats. I heard you were there when I was proven right. The alcohol treatment took away the heart and fever problems.
Cuddy: Yes, I was also there when you were proven wrong. She'd been silently screaming for two hours.
[She walks towards her office. He follows.]
Cuddy: Amylase and lipase are through the roof. She has pancreatitis.
House: IV alcohol can cause pancreatitis.
Cuddy: Okay.
[Her cursory response leaves House puzzled.]
[He follows her into her office, where she has placed her bag on the table and removed her jacket.]
House: You're not gonna argue with me?
Cuddy: Nope.
House: You think I'm right?
Cuddy: Nope.
House: Why not?
Cuddy: Nope.
House: It's not really a "Yes or No" question. HEE. This exchange is made of so much ADORABLE. ♥
Cuddy: Which is why I'm not answering it.
House: If it's not the IV alcohol, it's gotta be the...
Cuddy: Not interested.
House: If I'm wrong, she's gonna die. Are you sure you're still Dean of Medicine?
Cuddy: I'm not interested in arguing because I'm not interested in enabling you. You need someone to bounce ideas off of. You need a team.
[She starts to walk out. House turns to follow.]
Cuddy: Don't follow me. ZING! Cuddy kicks ass!
[House stops.] *sadface*
- - - - - - - - - -
VIII. Enabling and rationalising
[House is talking to himself in his office, counting off on his fingers.]
House: MAO inhibitor caused the fever. Alcohol caused the pancreatitis. Alcohol withdrawal caused the v-tach. [He glances at his Magic Eightball. "Dear Magic Eightball, Cuddy is mean to me because she totally wants my ass."] "Your logic is irrefutable."
Cuddy: You're wrong.
House: Well, who're you gonna believe? A classic toy or a woman who, if she had any confidence in her ideas, wouldn't feel the need to distract you with a water bra? She could, however, distract me with a lap dance instead. Hint hint...
Cuddy: Are you really just gonna treat the pancreatitis?
House: Are you here to enable me? Or just to have your wicked way with me? Because, you know, I'd be totally happy if it's the latter.
Cuddy: I don't want her to die because you're stubborn.
House: Wow, so you can enable and rationalize at the same time. Think you can pole-dance too? I'd pay good money for that. Guess you are still Dean of Medicine. [He starts opening a parcel on his desk.]
Cuddy: If you're right, then this guy, who's not an ass, who's not a workaholic, who's not a sociopath, has somehow missed both her depression and severe alcoholism.
House: Yes, imagine that, a couple with secrets. I haven't even told you about the real number of times I've thought about you in the shower all those lonely, lonely mornings...
Cuddy: Why would she lie?
[House's expression darkens when he sees the contents of the parcel.]
Cuddy: Okay, alcoholism you don't wanna advertise. But... [notices House's shocked expression]
[House quickly picks up the box and his cane and starts to limp outside. Cuddy follows.]
Cuddy: If you're right, there'd be an abnormality on the pancreas. At least do an MRI to confirm.
- - - - - - - - - -
IX. Cuddy can't help herself
[Cuddy is watching from the observation deck as Megan is operated on by a team of surgeons. House enters.]
Cuddy: Internal bleeding.
House: Not anymore. Now it's all over the place.
Cuddy: Why are you here? Besides the obvious reason, OR-room sex...
House: That's my patient down there.
Cuddy: You're here because I'm here. [she taps him on the chest] I am done enabling you.
House: I know.
[They watch the surgery in silence. Hee. I love House's eyes in this one. Just waiiiiting for Cuddy to crack. And inevitably...]
Cuddy: [cracks] The alcohol didn't cause the pancreatitis, the internal bleeding did. The question is, what caused the internal bleeding? I hate myself.
House: You do know that the patient had a building land on her.
Cuddy: Four days ago.
House: Bleeding can start at any time.
Cuddy: It's bleeding from five different sites. You think they synchronized their watches?
House: She got warfarin after her hip surgery. It's designed to mess with bleeding patterns.
Cuddy: Fever, heart and bleeding. Three problems, three completely different explanations. She must be the unluckiest woman in the world.
House: I only cling to this crazy theory because it's been proven right every step of the way. Each treatment worked.
Cuddy: Yes, she looks perfectly healthy. This much bleeding is a symptom of something more. And you need a team because you're wrong and you're gonna kill this woman.
[House glances up at the TV screen.]
House: If I had a team, this patient would be dead. Because they'd be here instead of me and they wouldn't notice the size of this woman's uterus.
[House enters the OR in scrubs, sans mask.]
House: Hi! How's it going? Mind if I observe?
Surgeon: Got a big room up top, window just for that.
[A nurse tries to put a surgical mask on House's face, but he swats her hand away.]
House: Oh, stop that.
Surgeon: You wanna look at vaginas, there are websites for that.
House: Am I made of money?
Surgeon: [to Cuddy] Can you get him out of here? And, like, into your bedroom, where he belongs?
[House inserts a scope into Megan.]
House: Enlarged uterus. Means that she was recently pregnant. She's a good liar, but I doubt she could hide a baby from her boyfriend... Scraping in the uterus indicates that she had an abortion. But nothing in her medical history. Only one reason to hide an abortion. Boyfriend wants babies, she doesn't.
Surgeon: She's bleeding everywhere. Unless the guy was performing an abortion with a shotgun...
Cuddy: [over intercom] Stop enabling him! That's my job - in the bedroom, especially...
House: It's not the abortion, it's what she did after. The boyfriend would have noticed condoms. He would notice abstinence. He would not notice the pill. Which means... [shouts to Cuddy] I don't need a team!
[Cuddy rolls her eyes.]
- - - - - - - - - -
X. House isn't wrong
[Cuddy comes out of Megan's room.]
Cuddy: You put her on tamoxifen? An anti-cancer drug?
House: It blocks estrogen receptors.
Cuddy: Does it also block breathing and kidney function? She's crashing.
House: Doesn't mean I was wrong.
- - - - - - - - - -
XI. Two memos from the desk of Lisa Cuddy
[Cuddy enters the lab, where Imelda is working.]
Cuddy: Which patient is that?
Imelda: [checks the file] Megan.
Cuddy: House's patient.
Imelda: Yep.
Cuddy: Didn't you get my memo?
Imelda: Sure. Got both memos.
Cuddy: Both. And the second memo said to ignore the first memo?
Imelda: Yep. Seemed odd. Did an MRI and...
Cuddy: 'Course you did.
[Cuddy sighs and starts to walk out, but turns back.]
Cuddy: What'd you find?
Imelda: It's kind of freaky. She's got growths all over the place.
- - - - - - - - - -
XII. House did it all by himself, mommy
[House is in his chair, playing with a rubber band, back to the door. The door opens.]
House: I did it all by myself, mommy.
Dr Buffer: You talking to me?
[House turns and sees Buffer. Curses, not Cuddy!]
House: Go away.
[Buffer leaves. House resumes toying with the rubber band. The door opens again.]
House: [tries his luck again] I did it all by myself, mommy.
[Score! It's Cuddy!]
Cuddy: How'd you know it was me?
House: There's a scent given off by wounded, feral cats and women who just can't wait to jump my bones...
Cuddy: You were wrong.
House: I got everything right. Just treated the wrong...
Cuddy: They had a good relationship.
House: He couldn't even identify her. Me, I could identify you if I had a blindfold on. Couldn't miss those puppies and that sultry come-hither voice anywhere.
Cuddy: And you were wrong about needing a team. She almost died.
House: So I almost need a team.
Cuddy: You were content with your "people are idiots" theory. But Cameron would never have accepted that this guy knew nothing about the love of his life. And as soon as you claimed it was multiple conditions, Foreman would have done anything to prove you wrong. And then, Chase would have done anything to prove you right. Any one of them would have solved this days ago. Hire a team. I don't care how you do it. Just do it.
[She dumps a stacks of resumés on his desk and leaves. He picks one up.]
- - - - - - - - - -
SQUEE. EPISODE OF WINNAGE.
Writer: Peter Blake
Director: Deran Serafian
Original Airdate: 25 Sep 2007
House tries to function without a team - Wilson and Cuddy have different ideas about how to convince House to interview fellowship candidates.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Welcome to the House & Cuddy show! Well, almost. 4x01 was a gold-star episode for us, all round. But this totally means that what follows is NOT IN ANY WAY DIAL-UP-FRIENDLY. I had to be less flaily with it too, or I'd be doing this for AGES. A tip: the caps now contain flailage as well... heh!
- - - - - - - - - -
I. Cuddy wants House to hire a new team
[House is playing his electric guitar and knocks off a pretty impressive riff when Cuddy walks into the room. Finally! He was getting tired of waiting for his day to start.]
Cuddy: Twenty-six-year-old female, gas main exploded under her building, she was pulled out of the rubble after six hours.
[House doesn't care. He plays the same riff again.]
Cuddy: [waits for him to finish] Two surgeries for multiple fractures and burns...
House: I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head.
[He shrugs and continues playing. She walks closer to him.]
Cuddy: And the fever? She's the only collapse victim whose body temperature...
House: Put her on antipyretics. [He continues playing the guitar. Cuddy patiently waits for him to stop.]
Cuddy: Already have. The fever's holding at a hundred-and-four. Fluctuating consciousness.
House: Can't take the case. I don't have a team. I'll take you though. In your office okay with you?
Cuddy: [holds up a stack of résumés] So hire a team. EEK. CUDDY IS SO CUTE.
House: What for? I don't have a case.
Cuddy: Have you even interviewed anybody?
House: You test drive a car before you buy it. You have sex before you get married. As you very well know, ahem. I can't hire a team based on a ten-minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them? I'll hire you though. Anytime.
[He pouts and twangs the guitar, then starts to play again. She walks over to the amplifier and yanks out the cable.]
Cuddy: [puts on her withholding-sex-from-House-face] You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert is over.
House: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?
Cuddy: Take the case or you will spend the next month helping the collapse team change bandages. When you're not chained to my bed atoning for your sins in not listening to me!
House: I diagnose her... alone ... by the end of the day, you go away for a week. With me. To the Bahamas. For lots and lots of monkey sex!
Cuddy: Done. Oooh. Sexy!Cuddy!
[She dangles the guitar cable in front of him; he takes it and she walks out.]
ASLAFJALSALSKFJDKAL!! WHO ELSE JUST WENT GAY THERE? OMG. CUDDY. IS. SUCH. A. FLIRT.
- - - - - - - - - -
II. Cuddy & Wilson confer
Wilson: It's not gonna work.
Cuddy: If he solves the case, we cure the girl.
Wilson: And prove he doesn't need a team.
Cuddy: He's not gonna solve the case. Not that fast.
Wilson: Why not?
Cuddy: Because he needs a team! And this'll prove to him...
Wilson: You wanna change his mind about something, you need a more convincing argument than "you promised".
- - - - - - - - - -
III. Cuddy tries to mediate
Ben: He's a janitor?
House: More significantly, a blabbermouth.
[Cuddy moves her monitor out of the way, so she can look directly at House.]
Cuddy: House, shut up! I am... very sorry how Dr. House handled this. It is completely unforgivable. He should have been expending his energies in my direction instead. Sexually, of course.
[House gives her a look.]
Cuddy: Except if he's right... Dialysis will filter her blood.
Ben: There's nothing to filter.
Cuddy: Save her life.
Ben: She wasn't depressed.
House: "I'm miserable around Ben." Not me. I like Ben. [pulling out a diary] February 12th. [tosses it to Ben] Either she's depressed, or she just thinks you're a jerk. Neither suggests that you should be the one directing her medical treatment.
Mrs Bradberry: Does the diary say my daughter's taking these drugs?
House: No, but medically...
Mrs Bradberry: Did you find drugs in their home?
House: She's probably hiding them in her purse. I thought it'd be rude to go searching under a thousand tons of rubble.
Ben: This was months ago. We were in a fight. Doesn't mean she's depressed and it doesn't mean she doesn't love me.
House: Fine, maybe the diary proves nothing. On the other hand, half the country's on antidepressants. And it fits her symptoms perfectly. [to Mrs. Bradberry] No ring on your daughter's finger means you make the decisions.
Mrs Bradberry: I-I'm not sure... that I know her well enough anymore.
House: You really wanna risk her life on how well he knows her?
- - - - - - - - - -
IV. All bets are off
[Cuddy is already sitting in House's office, playing with a ball of rubber bands she obviously stole off his table.]
Cuddy: We shocked her back into sinus rhythm, but she's still tachycardic.
House: Fascinating. Equally fascinating is... why are you here? Besides the obvious table sex, of course.
Cuddy: I was gonna leave you alone if you won the bet. [smiling] But you lost. You're gonna have to wear my thong for a week now...
House: I explained the fever. Which is all we were talking about. [He picks up an envelope bearing cutouts of "Dr." and "House". He opens it.] She confirmed the antidepressants. Go bet with someone else if you want to explain the heart problems.
Cuddy: She confirmed them by winking. Maybe there was a cute guy across the room. It couldn't have been you, since I'm pretty sure you were in my office at the time...
[House extracts a Polaroid of his guitar with a copy of the day's newspaper in front of it.]
House: She got better when I treated her. Even I'm not that cute.
Cuddy: Two unrelated symptoms, just a coincidence. Or... you're grasping at straws to avoid admitting you can't do this on your own.
House: Fine, what explains the fever and persistent tachycardia?
[He walks towards the meeting room. Cuddy follows.]
Cuddy: Could be anything. Endocarditis.
House: Nope. Fever, no infection.
Cuddy: [thinking] Um...
House: [hands her a marker] Keep going, you're doing great.
[He leaves. She sighs.]
- - - - - - - - - -
V. Cuddy seduces House House makes another guess
[While waiting, Cuddy has hopped up on the glass table.]
[The whiteboard is blank - as House notices when he enters. He pointedly checks behind it.]
House: Huh! You didn't write anything. So what you're saying is, you didn't find that one big explanation... 'cause there isn't one. Clever.
Cuddy: Well, let's just say, your antidepressant theory does explain the fever. What about the heart? And don't say a building fell on her.
House: Okay... [clears his throat] A structure collapsed...
Cuddy: Shut up.
House: Come on, it fits. Crushed musculature releases potassium, causes v-tach.
ADKLJSLDJSLFJDFLJDLGJDLJSLALSALLALAJKDKSDKDSLKLSDJLJSL~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cuddy: You'd think she'd get crush syndrome after she was crushed, not two days later.
House: Microvascular occlusions. Takes that long for the blood to reperfuse.
[Cuddy kinda likes that idea.]
Cuddy: She'd have a baggy heart. [tosses him the marker] Echo it to confirm.
[She walks out.]
- - - - - - - - - -
VI. Bickering in front of patients
[House is standing next to Cuddy in her office.]
Mrs Bradberry: The DTs?
Ben: So she's an alcoholic now?
House: Her first fever was from the medication for her depression.
Ben: Or you're wrong.
House: The second fever was from the self-medication for depression.
Ben: This is insane. You don't think I would have noticed her being constantly drunk?
House: [shrugs] You were practically living with Sylvia Plath. You didn't notice that.
Cuddy: [fiercely, to him, not really sotto voce] Tone it down or I will hit you. And I don't mean with those whips in my closet either...
House: Fine, I'll do liver enzyme tests.
Cuddy: [whispers urgently to him] Liver enzymes can also be elevated from musculoskeletal trauma. They'd be there whether she had a drinking problem or not.
House: [whispers back] They don't know that. Just pretend to confirm.
Mrs Bradberry: What's the treatment?
Ben: She's not an alcoholic.
House: Hair of the dog, IV alcohol. Taper it off after a few days.
Ben: She's sick and traumatized and half-dead. You wanna make her drunk.
Mrs Bradberry: [weakly] Just do it.
Ben: You can't do this. We lived together, we were gonna have kids. You barely even knew her.
Mrs Bradberry: Apparently, neither did you.
- - - - - - - - - -
VII. Cuddy is done enabling House
[Cuddy enters the hospital lobby. House sneaks up behind her.]
House: [cheerful] Morning!
Cuddy: [jumps] Uh-huh. Where did you come from?
[They stop at the nurse's station; Cuddy signs some papers.]
House: Apes, if you believe the Democrats. I heard you were there when I was proven right. The alcohol treatment took away the heart and fever problems.
Cuddy: Yes, I was also there when you were proven wrong. She'd been silently screaming for two hours.
[She walks towards her office. He follows.]
Cuddy: Amylase and lipase are through the roof. She has pancreatitis.
House: IV alcohol can cause pancreatitis.
Cuddy: Okay.
[Her cursory response leaves House puzzled.]
[He follows her into her office, where she has placed her bag on the table and removed her jacket.]
House: You're not gonna argue with me?
Cuddy: Nope.
House: You think I'm right?
Cuddy: Nope.
House: Why not?
Cuddy: Nope.
House: It's not really a "Yes or No" question. HEE. This exchange is made of so much ADORABLE. ♥
Cuddy: Which is why I'm not answering it.
House: If it's not the IV alcohol, it's gotta be the...
Cuddy: Not interested.
House: If I'm wrong, she's gonna die. Are you sure you're still Dean of Medicine?
Cuddy: I'm not interested in arguing because I'm not interested in enabling you. You need someone to bounce ideas off of. You need a team.
[She starts to walk out. House turns to follow.]
Cuddy: Don't follow me. ZING! Cuddy kicks ass!
[House stops.] *sadface*
- - - - - - - - - -
VIII. Enabling and rationalising
[House is talking to himself in his office, counting off on his fingers.]
House: MAO inhibitor caused the fever. Alcohol caused the pancreatitis. Alcohol withdrawal caused the v-tach. [He glances at his Magic Eightball. "Dear Magic Eightball, Cuddy is mean to me because she totally wants my ass."] "Your logic is irrefutable."
Cuddy: You're wrong.
House: Well, who're you gonna believe? A classic toy or a woman who, if she had any confidence in her ideas, wouldn't feel the need to distract you with a water bra? She could, however, distract me with a lap dance instead. Hint hint...
Cuddy: Are you really just gonna treat the pancreatitis?
House: Are you here to enable me? Or just to have your wicked way with me? Because, you know, I'd be totally happy if it's the latter.
Cuddy: I don't want her to die because you're stubborn.
House: Wow, so you can enable and rationalize at the same time. Think you can pole-dance too? I'd pay good money for that. Guess you are still Dean of Medicine. [He starts opening a parcel on his desk.]
Cuddy: If you're right, then this guy, who's not an ass, who's not a workaholic, who's not a sociopath, has somehow missed both her depression and severe alcoholism.
House: Yes, imagine that, a couple with secrets. I haven't even told you about the real number of times I've thought about you in the shower all those lonely, lonely mornings...
Cuddy: Why would she lie?
[House's expression darkens when he sees the contents of the parcel.]
Cuddy: Okay, alcoholism you don't wanna advertise. But... [notices House's shocked expression]
[House quickly picks up the box and his cane and starts to limp outside. Cuddy follows.]
Cuddy: If you're right, there'd be an abnormality on the pancreas. At least do an MRI to confirm.
- - - - - - - - - -
IX. Cuddy can't help herself
[Cuddy is watching from the observation deck as Megan is operated on by a team of surgeons. House enters.]
Cuddy: Internal bleeding.
House: Not anymore. Now it's all over the place.
Cuddy: Why are you here? Besides the obvious reason, OR-room sex...
House: That's my patient down there.
Cuddy: You're here because I'm here. [she taps him on the chest] I am done enabling you.
House: I know.
[They watch the surgery in silence. Hee. I love House's eyes in this one. Just waiiiiting for Cuddy to crack. And inevitably...]
Cuddy: [cracks] The alcohol didn't cause the pancreatitis, the internal bleeding did. The question is, what caused the internal bleeding? I hate myself.
House: You do know that the patient had a building land on her.
Cuddy: Four days ago.
House: Bleeding can start at any time.
Cuddy: It's bleeding from five different sites. You think they synchronized their watches?
House: She got warfarin after her hip surgery. It's designed to mess with bleeding patterns.
Cuddy: Fever, heart and bleeding. Three problems, three completely different explanations. She must be the unluckiest woman in the world.
House: I only cling to this crazy theory because it's been proven right every step of the way. Each treatment worked.
Cuddy: Yes, she looks perfectly healthy. This much bleeding is a symptom of something more. And you need a team because you're wrong and you're gonna kill this woman.
[House glances up at the TV screen.]
House: If I had a team, this patient would be dead. Because they'd be here instead of me and they wouldn't notice the size of this woman's uterus.
[House enters the OR in scrubs, sans mask.]
House: Hi! How's it going? Mind if I observe?
Surgeon: Got a big room up top, window just for that.
[A nurse tries to put a surgical mask on House's face, but he swats her hand away.]
House: Oh, stop that.
Surgeon: You wanna look at vaginas, there are websites for that.
House: Am I made of money?
Surgeon: [to Cuddy] Can you get him out of here? And, like, into your bedroom, where he belongs?
[House inserts a scope into Megan.]
House: Enlarged uterus. Means that she was recently pregnant. She's a good liar, but I doubt she could hide a baby from her boyfriend... Scraping in the uterus indicates that she had an abortion. But nothing in her medical history. Only one reason to hide an abortion. Boyfriend wants babies, she doesn't.
Surgeon: She's bleeding everywhere. Unless the guy was performing an abortion with a shotgun...
Cuddy: [over intercom] Stop enabling him! That's my job - in the bedroom, especially...
House: It's not the abortion, it's what she did after. The boyfriend would have noticed condoms. He would notice abstinence. He would not notice the pill. Which means... [shouts to Cuddy] I don't need a team!
[Cuddy rolls her eyes.]
- - - - - - - - - -
X. House isn't wrong
[Cuddy comes out of Megan's room.]
Cuddy: You put her on tamoxifen? An anti-cancer drug?
House: It blocks estrogen receptors.
Cuddy: Does it also block breathing and kidney function? She's crashing.
House: Doesn't mean I was wrong.
- - - - - - - - - -
XI. Two memos from the desk of Lisa Cuddy
[Cuddy enters the lab, where Imelda is working.]
Cuddy: Which patient is that?
Imelda: [checks the file] Megan.
Cuddy: House's patient.
Imelda: Yep.
Cuddy: Didn't you get my memo?
Imelda: Sure. Got both memos.
Cuddy: Both. And the second memo said to ignore the first memo?
Imelda: Yep. Seemed odd. Did an MRI and...
Cuddy: 'Course you did.
[Cuddy sighs and starts to walk out, but turns back.]
Cuddy: What'd you find?
Imelda: It's kind of freaky. She's got growths all over the place.
- - - - - - - - - -
XII. House did it all by himself, mommy
[House is in his chair, playing with a rubber band, back to the door. The door opens.]
House: I did it all by myself, mommy.
Dr Buffer: You talking to me?
[House turns and sees Buffer. Curses, not Cuddy!]
House: Go away.
[Buffer leaves. House resumes toying with the rubber band. The door opens again.]
House: [tries his luck again] I did it all by myself, mommy.
[Score! It's Cuddy!]
Cuddy: How'd you know it was me?
House: There's a scent given off by wounded, feral cats and women who just can't wait to jump my bones...
Cuddy: You were wrong.
House: I got everything right. Just treated the wrong...
Cuddy: They had a good relationship.
House: He couldn't even identify her. Me, I could identify you if I had a blindfold on. Couldn't miss those puppies and that sultry come-hither voice anywhere.
Cuddy: And you were wrong about needing a team. She almost died.
House: So I almost need a team.
Cuddy: You were content with your "people are idiots" theory. But Cameron would never have accepted that this guy knew nothing about the love of his life. And as soon as you claimed it was multiple conditions, Foreman would have done anything to prove you wrong. And then, Chase would have done anything to prove you right. Any one of them would have solved this days ago. Hire a team. I don't care how you do it. Just do it.
[She dumps a stacks of resumés on his desk and leaves. He picks one up.]
- - - - - - - - - -
SQUEE. EPISODE OF WINNAGE.