(no subject)

[my_final_moment]

it seems like every month, i find something else out that upsets me so much about him. and every month i forgive him because i want this to work so fucking bad. i just dont understand it, and im trying to understand it. a comment that i thought he would only say to ME "i want your body" was something he left some other girl (that has a BODY that is ALOT thinner than mine) YESTERDAY, after i saw him THAT DAY! he said "it was just a joke" and attacts me, saying me and myspace would make a great couple. trying to make it sound like i am lurking him. why cant i look at his friends' profiles? if they are "just friends" then whats the harm? oh, the harm? i find things like THAT! if he doesnt want to be with me, if he doesnt find me attractive or loveable, he needs to just fucking tell me. because i am tired of having this not in my stomach aching all fucking day and all night or however long until i let him convince me that I'M the one that is overreacting, and that i dont trust him, so it turns into ME begging him not to break up with me, and it was MY mistake. UUUGGGHHH!!! i have been telling myself that i DO trust him and that i have nothing to worry about, which i really honestly thought, until i found this! maybe THATS why he hasnt told me he loves me yet, because hes distracted with other girls that he still flirts with. WHAT THE FUCK! i want him to love me, so fucking bad, because i feel like once i know he loves me, then all my worries will go away, that all the other girls will disapear because HE LOVES ME. but ya know what? ive been with him for almost 5 months now, sleeping over his house every week, having sex with him, spending alot of time with him, going places with him...and still, NO "i love you". do you even know how hard it is to go to bed next to someone that you love SO FUCKING MUCH but you cant turn to them and just say "i love you?" because you know there will be that awkward moment after that, and then you will roll over on your other side with tears in your eyes...im sorry was i saying "you" and "your"? i meant ME and MY. ive been asking myself and all of my friends "why doesnt he love me?" and alot of them tell me "oh he does, he is just scared to say it" but these are people that dont know him and have never met him. if i knew in my heart that he loved me, i wouldnt be feeling like this. its not the fact that i want him to SAY it, its that i want him to MEAN IT. THATS what hurts, the fact that he DOESNT love me. because if he DID, even if he just never said it, i wouldnt be afraid to talk to him about certain things like "why do you text other girls? why do you talk to other girls online and talk to them like i dont exsist? why do we never hang out with any of your friends, and why are they ALL girls? (under the age of 18). and why dont you love me??" i have asked him why he doesnt love me, once before, which was liiiike, 3 weeks ago..."i dont know you enough yet" what?? what doesnt he know about me? what color my pee is in the morning, wait, he probably DOES know that! he knows so much about me. its so hard to have sex with someone that i have been with for about 5 months, and not be able to hear "i love you". you have sex with the person you are with because you care about them, but if we've been together for this long, and he doesnt love me, what are we having sex for? obviously for two different reasons.
i just want to fucking scream. i want to scream and cry. i should be so happy right now because i just got a job at a salon that i really like, but i cant be happy, because i found that comment, and i feel like, since my boyfriend doesnt love me, that my hours at work will lead him into breaking up with me. i mean, why wouldnt he? he apparently has alot of hot lakeland ass waiting for him. what the fuck.