alone
Play T.O.K. - Footprints video
I don't think I can possibly express in words how utterly alone I feel on this planet. I've felt like this for a while, but never so bad as since the last two weeks.
I haven't seen my son since the morning (like 9 am) of Wednesday, October 12th 2005. Of course, I only saw him for a few moments in the morning before Kristy took him to take care. The day before I didn't really see him all day, Kristy took him to take care and came home around 11 pm. Ezra was fast asleep. He looked just like he always did passed out in the car seat.
I'd give anything if I only knew that I wasn't going to see him again for a long time those last few days. No way would he have gone to daycare. I'd have spent every waking minute with that little boy having fun like we always do. These last couple weekends have been absolutely horrible for me. I'm used to having Ezra here and without him I just feel so lost.
It doesn't help that I'm so worried about how he's being taken care of. I know his mother, Kristy, loves that little boy more than anything on Earth, but I also know that she's been going through some extremely rough mental problems and family problems (hence the situation today). If they're staying at her mom's house like I think, Ezra is once again sleeping on the couch with Kristy. Any child deserves to have their own room or one shared with a sibling. My son doesn't even have his own bed. Not to mention, there are seven people living in a 2 bedroom apartment. To really top things off, there's so much bad fighting that goes on there. I lived there for five months, I know. All I can do right now is pray everything is peaceful there and Kristy is doing better than she was.
I can't help but feel so entirely lonely. I live with my mother and my 14 yr old brother. I know they love me and that they care about the situation, but I don't believe that it's of the utmost importance to them as it is to me. My hearing for the final decision on the injunction is tomorrow at 9 am. I know that what the judge believes after hearing my story and Kristy's is going to affect everything I hold sacred to me for a long, long time, and I explained this to my mom. Out of everyone besides Kristy's mom, she knows the most about Kristy and I together. She knows that there's been bad fights between us, but that they've never led to any physical violence. My mom knows all about what Kristy's been going through lately and my mom has been pushing me to take Ez full time so Kristy can sort out everything in her life. Why doesn't she think it's important for her to be in court with me as my witness? She could be the voice that makes the judge realize that what Kristy wrote on the injunction isn't true! I also have another friend that knows exactly what I'm going through, but they also have things to do that take precedent. No one gets how important this is! I didn't even mention the fact that if this injunction is upheld, it's going to come up on a background check every time someone runs my name. Who's going to want to hire someone that has or has had a restraining order on them for domestic violence? I wouldn't! No one cares...
This honestly has been the most emotional ordeal of my life or very close to it. It's right along with my dad passing away in 2000. I really wish he were here to help me through this. The only thing I can really be proud of through this whole thing, is that I've managed to stay clean. That's truly a miracle considering I haven't had to really DEAL with any emotion for the last couple of years. I numbed it all away. I really don't know what I'm going to do if the judge takes Kristy's side. I know I'll damn sure will myself to stop breathing before I relapse, but I can't help but be terrified for my son and for myself.
I just wish there was someone there who wasn't so preoccupied with their own life. Someone who cared enough to probe deeper when I responded "I'm fine" when really my whole world is collapsing in on me. I don't blame anyone, it's not their fault. Everyone else has their own issues, their own dilemmas, and their own responsibilities. They hear my story and look astonished, and I know they're thinking to themselves "poor bastard". No one that knows me has any idea what it's like to go through something like this. Let alone the fact that everyone in New Port Richey who barely knows me probably believes that I would hurt someone I love.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am totally disgusted by anyone who would lay their hands on a female. My mother told me stories about my biological father beating the shit out of her when she was pregnant with me. I never met the guy, but those stories have just completely infused this hatred inside me for anyone who treats women like that. I think it's cowardly and I think that any man who lays their hand on a female is a total pussy. Kristy knows this better than anyone. I wanted her to run away with me when she was sixteen because she lived with her father who beat the crap out of her throughout her childhood. One day he yanked her out of my car and slapped her across the face so hard it drew blood. I was in his face ready to fight him and I called the police, but they took her dad's side. Kristy knows how I feel about this guy, Destin, we used to hang out with. Destin Dukes hit every single one of his girlfriends that I ever knew he had, and I tried to get Kristy to stay away from him because I was afraid something would happen to her. This guy Kristy went to school with, Frank Muir, gave Kristy a fat lip and I tried to fight him when he got off the bus and two of my friends jumped on him too. Furthermore, anyone who knows Kristy knows that she'd kick my ass if it ever got that far. I'd honestly be afraid to get in a physical altercation with her. Kristy's been beat on by a Marine her whole life, skinny old me isn't too threatening.
No point in asking why anymore. All I know is that I feel like this might be the last night that some hope still burns in my heart. I'm praying that the judge will see through to the truth. Being through so much bad shit has pretty much caused me to lose faith in things ever getting better for me. I'm holding on to the last little bit of light tonight, begging that it doesn't get snuffed out. Everyone knows how hard I've fought to be the person I am today. To be able to say that I am a person again. To be human. I just hope this isn't my last night and I wish I didn't have to spend it alone. I might not be me anymore depending on what happens tomorrow. I'll be publicly known as the person Kristy described on paper.
Goodbye everybody (not that anyone reads this). I may not return.
Here ya go everyone. This is who we used to be. This is what I can't let go of. What happened to these people? The only one left is that little boy who's not so little anymore. It's almost like he's an orphan living with adopted parents. He had these wonderful loving parents who lived and breathed for him and each other, but they died. His new parents aren't the same. I'm struggling to get back to who I was, but Kristy seems like she has no desire for this kind of life anymore. These days at the park she just sits on the bench and sometimes talks on the phone. At least when we're together... All I want is my family back. At least my son, GOD I want to watch him grow up. I don't want to miss anything, I would give my soul away to be able to go back to those times and stop us from becoming who we became. I promise I would gladly rot in hell for eternity...
Kristy probably totally thinks I've written her off, but that's not the truth. I am really tore up from going through this ordeal, but I know her and I understand why it happened. For the last few months, I was really on her case about not being responsible and I kept telling her she needed to get her shit together. When she finally came to stay with me, I really didn't give her a chance to get comfortable and do what she needed to do. She was going through money really fast and I thought she was using again. I never found out the truth, but regardless I went about it the wrong way. I was just so frustrated and I couldn't see why she wasn't succeeding like I was. I always fail to remember that she didn't have the means and the support that I did. I just wish she would have asked if she needed it so I could make sure she got it. We were arguing real bad the day she left. I kept questioning her about where all the money was going. I decided to leave so I wouldn't be here when she got home. I was afraid we'd get in a big fight and my mom would flip. She needed me the night she left and she couldn't reach me (my phone was dead), so she felt like she had no one. Kristy felt threatened by the way I was talking about getting custody of Ezra the next day so she lashed out just like any time she does when she's cornered.
I'm terrified about what's going to happen in court. Every single person I know will now believe I'm crazy, but I don't wish anything but the best for Kristy. I know in my heart that she's going to make it one day. She'll beat her inner demons that have been haunting her the past year and she'll live a happy life. No one would have ever believed the fifteen year old girl I met would grow to be such a wonderful mother, a loving fiance', and a college student. Kristy conquered all the challenges in her life before, and I know she'll do it again. I believe in her, and I always will. Believe it or not, I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for Kristy. I'd be all cracked out on opiates somewhere and my computer would be in the pawn shop. Everyone on this planet had given up on me, but Kristy. She believed in me. Kristy knew I could get better. I was crying out for help, but everywhere I called told me I was a lost cause. Kristy got on the phone for three hours and fought with many, many treatment facilities until she got someone to take me. She didn't give up on me and I have no intention of giving up on her. The only thing I can do now is stand back and watch. I'm worried to death about her and Ezra, but I know in my heart sometime Kristy will finally pull through.
As for me, I don't think I can take any more bad news...
I don't think I can possibly express in words how utterly alone I feel on this planet. I've felt like this for a while, but never so bad as since the last two weeks.
I haven't seen my son since the morning (like 9 am) of Wednesday, October 12th 2005. Of course, I only saw him for a few moments in the morning before Kristy took him to take care. The day before I didn't really see him all day, Kristy took him to take care and came home around 11 pm. Ezra was fast asleep. He looked just like he always did passed out in the car seat.
I'd give anything if I only knew that I wasn't going to see him again for a long time those last few days. No way would he have gone to daycare. I'd have spent every waking minute with that little boy having fun like we always do. These last couple weekends have been absolutely horrible for me. I'm used to having Ezra here and without him I just feel so lost.
It doesn't help that I'm so worried about how he's being taken care of. I know his mother, Kristy, loves that little boy more than anything on Earth, but I also know that she's been going through some extremely rough mental problems and family problems (hence the situation today). If they're staying at her mom's house like I think, Ezra is once again sleeping on the couch with Kristy. Any child deserves to have their own room or one shared with a sibling. My son doesn't even have his own bed. Not to mention, there are seven people living in a 2 bedroom apartment. To really top things off, there's so much bad fighting that goes on there. I lived there for five months, I know. All I can do right now is pray everything is peaceful there and Kristy is doing better than she was.
I can't help but feel so entirely lonely. I live with my mother and my 14 yr old brother. I know they love me and that they care about the situation, but I don't believe that it's of the utmost importance to them as it is to me. My hearing for the final decision on the injunction is tomorrow at 9 am. I know that what the judge believes after hearing my story and Kristy's is going to affect everything I hold sacred to me for a long, long time, and I explained this to my mom. Out of everyone besides Kristy's mom, she knows the most about Kristy and I together. She knows that there's been bad fights between us, but that they've never led to any physical violence. My mom knows all about what Kristy's been going through lately and my mom has been pushing me to take Ez full time so Kristy can sort out everything in her life. Why doesn't she think it's important for her to be in court with me as my witness? She could be the voice that makes the judge realize that what Kristy wrote on the injunction isn't true! I also have another friend that knows exactly what I'm going through, but they also have things to do that take precedent. No one gets how important this is! I didn't even mention the fact that if this injunction is upheld, it's going to come up on a background check every time someone runs my name. Who's going to want to hire someone that has or has had a restraining order on them for domestic violence? I wouldn't! No one cares...
This honestly has been the most emotional ordeal of my life or very close to it. It's right along with my dad passing away in 2000. I really wish he were here to help me through this. The only thing I can really be proud of through this whole thing, is that I've managed to stay clean. That's truly a miracle considering I haven't had to really DEAL with any emotion for the last couple of years. I numbed it all away. I really don't know what I'm going to do if the judge takes Kristy's side. I know I'll damn sure will myself to stop breathing before I relapse, but I can't help but be terrified for my son and for myself.
I just wish there was someone there who wasn't so preoccupied with their own life. Someone who cared enough to probe deeper when I responded "I'm fine" when really my whole world is collapsing in on me. I don't blame anyone, it's not their fault. Everyone else has their own issues, their own dilemmas, and their own responsibilities. They hear my story and look astonished, and I know they're thinking to themselves "poor bastard". No one that knows me has any idea what it's like to go through something like this. Let alone the fact that everyone in New Port Richey who barely knows me probably believes that I would hurt someone I love.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am totally disgusted by anyone who would lay their hands on a female. My mother told me stories about my biological father beating the shit out of her when she was pregnant with me. I never met the guy, but those stories have just completely infused this hatred inside me for anyone who treats women like that. I think it's cowardly and I think that any man who lays their hand on a female is a total pussy. Kristy knows this better than anyone. I wanted her to run away with me when she was sixteen because she lived with her father who beat the crap out of her throughout her childhood. One day he yanked her out of my car and slapped her across the face so hard it drew blood. I was in his face ready to fight him and I called the police, but they took her dad's side. Kristy knows how I feel about this guy, Destin, we used to hang out with. Destin Dukes hit every single one of his girlfriends that I ever knew he had, and I tried to get Kristy to stay away from him because I was afraid something would happen to her. This guy Kristy went to school with, Frank Muir, gave Kristy a fat lip and I tried to fight him when he got off the bus and two of my friends jumped on him too. Furthermore, anyone who knows Kristy knows that she'd kick my ass if it ever got that far. I'd honestly be afraid to get in a physical altercation with her. Kristy's been beat on by a Marine her whole life, skinny old me isn't too threatening.
No point in asking why anymore. All I know is that I feel like this might be the last night that some hope still burns in my heart. I'm praying that the judge will see through to the truth. Being through so much bad shit has pretty much caused me to lose faith in things ever getting better for me. I'm holding on to the last little bit of light tonight, begging that it doesn't get snuffed out. Everyone knows how hard I've fought to be the person I am today. To be able to say that I am a person again. To be human. I just hope this isn't my last night and I wish I didn't have to spend it alone. I might not be me anymore depending on what happens tomorrow. I'll be publicly known as the person Kristy described on paper.
Goodbye everybody (not that anyone reads this). I may not return.
Here ya go everyone. This is who we used to be. This is what I can't let go of. What happened to these people? The only one left is that little boy who's not so little anymore. It's almost like he's an orphan living with adopted parents. He had these wonderful loving parents who lived and breathed for him and each other, but they died. His new parents aren't the same. I'm struggling to get back to who I was, but Kristy seems like she has no desire for this kind of life anymore. These days at the park she just sits on the bench and sometimes talks on the phone. At least when we're together... All I want is my family back. At least my son, GOD I want to watch him grow up. I don't want to miss anything, I would give my soul away to be able to go back to those times and stop us from becoming who we became. I promise I would gladly rot in hell for eternity...
Kristy probably totally thinks I've written her off, but that's not the truth. I am really tore up from going through this ordeal, but I know her and I understand why it happened. For the last few months, I was really on her case about not being responsible and I kept telling her she needed to get her shit together. When she finally came to stay with me, I really didn't give her a chance to get comfortable and do what she needed to do. She was going through money really fast and I thought she was using again. I never found out the truth, but regardless I went about it the wrong way. I was just so frustrated and I couldn't see why she wasn't succeeding like I was. I always fail to remember that she didn't have the means and the support that I did. I just wish she would have asked if she needed it so I could make sure she got it. We were arguing real bad the day she left. I kept questioning her about where all the money was going. I decided to leave so I wouldn't be here when she got home. I was afraid we'd get in a big fight and my mom would flip. She needed me the night she left and she couldn't reach me (my phone was dead), so she felt like she had no one. Kristy felt threatened by the way I was talking about getting custody of Ezra the next day so she lashed out just like any time she does when she's cornered.
I'm terrified about what's going to happen in court. Every single person I know will now believe I'm crazy, but I don't wish anything but the best for Kristy. I know in my heart that she's going to make it one day. She'll beat her inner demons that have been haunting her the past year and she'll live a happy life. No one would have ever believed the fifteen year old girl I met would grow to be such a wonderful mother, a loving fiance', and a college student. Kristy conquered all the challenges in her life before, and I know she'll do it again. I believe in her, and I always will. Believe it or not, I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for Kristy. I'd be all cracked out on opiates somewhere and my computer would be in the pawn shop. Everyone on this planet had given up on me, but Kristy. She believed in me. Kristy knew I could get better. I was crying out for help, but everywhere I called told me I was a lost cause. Kristy got on the phone for three hours and fought with many, many treatment facilities until she got someone to take me. She didn't give up on me and I have no intention of giving up on her. The only thing I can do now is stand back and watch. I'm worried to death about her and Ezra, but I know in my heart sometime Kristy will finally pull through.
As for me, I don't think I can take any more bad news...