(no subject)
So apparently i haven't written here in 14 weeks.
Am i surprised?
Sort of.
Believe it or not
I've had very little concept of time since...
things have happened.
Does it matter to explain exactly what?
No.
Nothing matters.
Apparently the life i live is as good as not living
easily forgotten and erased,
purpose running thin
and i guess hard work doesn't always pay off.
There are about 9 days until my birthday
i haven't been counting down
what for,
i couldn't imagine much to do anyways on such a day
In fact i sort of wish the day didn't exist
so i wouldn't feel so bad when people forget
not that it really matters
though i won't lie
it would make me happy.
But it's selfish to expect so much
for everyone
In fact i've been so caught up in a world of synthetic happiness
that i've lost so much attention to people who did care about me
and too busy with the ones i want to like me.
This month i was suppose to accomplish so much more
Thinking about it makes me realize the illogical waste of money
i've spent
and all the time spent in a basement smoking
were simply to spend more time with someone
to be closer to them in at least on one way-
doing something that made it less awkward to be around each other
but in the end it would be nothing more then that
in fact leaving me more alone,broken and broke.
And was it all really worth it?
If so,it's not to be seen.
Today i'm someone totally different.
Since last summer i've lost well over 100 pounds
and i've also lost some other things
mental things
hope and dreams seem like a joke
seem like they're meant for people who are flawless
and by any means
flawless is by far not who i am.
Could i understand why someone as myself
who hasn't always made the best decisions
who can be clumsy and careless
who doesn't always have a bed for even myself
who has to work hard in life to have things
who doesn't always have lots of money
who doesn't have perfect skin or isn't white-
how could i expect to have someone who has all of the above
to settle down for less-to settle down for me?
As much as i'd like to believe i don't harm people i do
Because i want what i shouldn't have
because i'd rather have the harder way then ask for help-
refusing the help i get from my family because i'd like to believe i can fly on my own
so no one can tell me what not to do.
But honestly when asked by my dad if i was happy
i couldn't say yes.
I could feel my eyes get wide and water up
knowing i've hurt myself so much to this point
that i'm not even sure everything that i've done
thats let up to this moment in my life to even have been worth it.
Why is being used alright?
And when did it ever
is that satisfaction of feeling loved by the person you love
worth those 15 minutes of happiness
but then left empty and numb for the rest of the day
or for the next few days
that become weeks
then months
then finally a year
It doesn't take a genius
it doesn't take an idiot
to realize
no.
But what if this was the best alternative
what if this lifestyle
is the better option then
meeting someone whos
unlogical
unpredictable
or worse becoming more of a problem then you have now?
Everyone has to learn
thats clear
and moving on isn't always horrible
but what about trying to pave the problems that were once a problem
what about
becoming a better person then you were yesterday
In hopes of not having to forget the things that once were
unappreciated and possibly neglected
Logically thinking
it would make you a person of compromise and regret
a person with a conscious that rather left ignored
cared enough to make things right
I'v broken myself down in every sense
i have turned my soul into a shrine of hope and limitlessness love and compassion
and most of all understanding
but maybe
it's far too late.
Am i surprised?
Sort of.
Believe it or not
I've had very little concept of time since...
things have happened.
Does it matter to explain exactly what?
No.
Nothing matters.
Apparently the life i live is as good as not living
easily forgotten and erased,
purpose running thin
and i guess hard work doesn't always pay off.
There are about 9 days until my birthday
i haven't been counting down
what for,
i couldn't imagine much to do anyways on such a day
In fact i sort of wish the day didn't exist
so i wouldn't feel so bad when people forget
not that it really matters
though i won't lie
it would make me happy.
But it's selfish to expect so much
for everyone
In fact i've been so caught up in a world of synthetic happiness
that i've lost so much attention to people who did care about me
and too busy with the ones i want to like me.
This month i was suppose to accomplish so much more
Thinking about it makes me realize the illogical waste of money
i've spent
and all the time spent in a basement smoking
were simply to spend more time with someone
to be closer to them in at least on one way-
doing something that made it less awkward to be around each other
but in the end it would be nothing more then that
in fact leaving me more alone,broken and broke.
And was it all really worth it?
If so,it's not to be seen.
Today i'm someone totally different.
Since last summer i've lost well over 100 pounds
and i've also lost some other things
mental things
hope and dreams seem like a joke
seem like they're meant for people who are flawless
and by any means
flawless is by far not who i am.
Could i understand why someone as myself
who hasn't always made the best decisions
who can be clumsy and careless
who doesn't always have a bed for even myself
who has to work hard in life to have things
who doesn't always have lots of money
who doesn't have perfect skin or isn't white-
how could i expect to have someone who has all of the above
to settle down for less-to settle down for me?
As much as i'd like to believe i don't harm people i do
Because i want what i shouldn't have
because i'd rather have the harder way then ask for help-
refusing the help i get from my family because i'd like to believe i can fly on my own
so no one can tell me what not to do.
But honestly when asked by my dad if i was happy
i couldn't say yes.
I could feel my eyes get wide and water up
knowing i've hurt myself so much to this point
that i'm not even sure everything that i've done
thats let up to this moment in my life to even have been worth it.
Why is being used alright?
And when did it ever
is that satisfaction of feeling loved by the person you love
worth those 15 minutes of happiness
but then left empty and numb for the rest of the day
or for the next few days
that become weeks
then months
then finally a year
It doesn't take a genius
it doesn't take an idiot
to realize
no.
But what if this was the best alternative
what if this lifestyle
is the better option then
meeting someone whos
unlogical
unpredictable
or worse becoming more of a problem then you have now?
Everyone has to learn
thats clear
and moving on isn't always horrible
but what about trying to pave the problems that were once a problem
what about
becoming a better person then you were yesterday
In hopes of not having to forget the things that once were
unappreciated and possibly neglected
Logically thinking
it would make you a person of compromise and regret
a person with a conscious that rather left ignored
cared enough to make things right
I'v broken myself down in every sense
i have turned my soul into a shrine of hope and limitlessness love and compassion
and most of all understanding
but maybe
it's far too late.