Pray for rain all the time...
I haven't journaled in so long.
Part of me wants to say it's because
i lost purpose of writing all my emotions
because i didn't know what i feel anymore,
and another part of me didn't want to see
and relive thoughts and moments that i would
later deem unimportant;
part of me still doesn't know
what i am now.
It kind of makes me sad.
But i feel stupid for not being fully content
with everything i have now,
maybe because i've lost much
of me.
Maybe somewhere along the lines
self loathe took over and
i lost myself...
i don't know but
what worries me the most is
if these feelings will ever go away.
Why is when i'm alone
i commit methods of self hatred
like smoking,
dwelling on being alone that moment,
obsessing about my physical appearance,
ripping myself apart...
I hate when i question myself
on being enough for Brett.
He's the closest person to making me
feel like all the past bullshit
was all worth going through.
Yet at the same time makes
me feel so ashamed of having
not stopped some things when they
weren't worth trying,
or worse continue trying.
I know i wasted so much time at
attempting to make the best of shit
when all along i should of
just
stepped away.
He's the most pure person i know.
It makes me wish my past wasn't so troubled
so that i wasn't the product
of mental abuse and physical abuse
and that i'd just be
normal.
I love him.
But i still ask myself everyday if i love me.
This kind of thinking is what ruined my life
Back then,
so of course it terrifyies to find myself
asking myself the same questions.
I just want to be perfect.
But i'm not.
I may never be.
Why do i feel so alone
when he's not around?
But when he is,
An inner personality of myself
beams with happiness,love,and playfulness.
I want to be like this forever,
But i cennot remove the fear from my heart.
That feeling of no self worth,abondonment,and discarded.
Feelings i've felt in so many ways.
By my father,
By my mother,
By friends,
By past lovers.
I can't lose him,
i'd die on the inside.
I need him more then he'll ever know.
I've asked him before
why me?
He's such a beautiful person
and i know he could have someone
who could have a flawless image;
but he choose me.
He just tells me to shut up.
I almost hope no one remembers this journal
and that one day in the future i look back
on this entry and reflect
on how strong i tried to be on the outside
but how deeply insecure and scared
i really was on the inside.
But for now i'm trying to dedicate myself
back on my art.
To create
and to share my perseptive on the world
through creative,beautiful,complex works of arts.
Such as costumes,decorative works and hopefully
more drawings.
Just like my journaling,
my drawing dwindled
the more and more i went through moments
where everything around me was torn down;
And forgotten.
The way a dream fades
as more day go by.
I'm not angry about any of this anymore.
I used to get angry and
curse the life paths i had to walk alone,
but now i just take everything calmly,
i'm much more patient-
and just breathe in deeply
and try to keep my head above water
whenever i feel like i'm starting
to drown.
This is of course how i deal
with hard situations that come my way
nowadays-
but i'm still my biggest enemy.
Why do i feel so much?
Most likely because i'm my own
worst critic-
and because i never quite
knew what normal was.
There may not be a specific
definition of this word 'perfect'
but everyone has thier own definition of it.
Mine is something like
if love could conquer and heal
all your deepest fears
and open your eyes to eternal devotion
and understanding.
It just makes me sad when i
look around me and see
love drying up and expiring
and being abused.
So far i think what i need to do
to be better
is to devote myself to making myself
the person i think i want to be.
I want to be inspirational and
insightful in the right way,
fearless,
a non smoker,
devoting time to treating my body
like a temple by putting good things into it
and not lose track of my figure just because
of anxiety and simply not admitting to myself
that i'm not making the right choices
and how that really makes a huge diffrence
in the long run...
and i need to do this by myself.
So i have the love of my life currently,
and i know it's the best time of my life,
i just hate old emotions that i can't erase
so easily.
I don't even trust my own mother
because of the number of times
she fucked me up,
from simply misunderstanding
who i was.
I wasn't anything she wanted me to be.
So maybe thats why i try so hard now
to be everything to the person i love
needs to have...
but i need to do better.
And i will.
Part of me wants to say it's because
i lost purpose of writing all my emotions
because i didn't know what i feel anymore,
and another part of me didn't want to see
and relive thoughts and moments that i would
later deem unimportant;
part of me still doesn't know
what i am now.
It kind of makes me sad.
But i feel stupid for not being fully content
with everything i have now,
maybe because i've lost much
of me.
Maybe somewhere along the lines
self loathe took over and
i lost myself...
i don't know but
what worries me the most is
if these feelings will ever go away.
Why is when i'm alone
i commit methods of self hatred
like smoking,
dwelling on being alone that moment,
obsessing about my physical appearance,
ripping myself apart...
I hate when i question myself
on being enough for Brett.
He's the closest person to making me
feel like all the past bullshit
was all worth going through.
Yet at the same time makes
me feel so ashamed of having
not stopped some things when they
weren't worth trying,
or worse continue trying.
I know i wasted so much time at
attempting to make the best of shit
when all along i should of
just
stepped away.
He's the most pure person i know.
It makes me wish my past wasn't so troubled
so that i wasn't the product
of mental abuse and physical abuse
and that i'd just be
normal.
I love him.
But i still ask myself everyday if i love me.
This kind of thinking is what ruined my life
Back then,
so of course it terrifyies to find myself
asking myself the same questions.
I just want to be perfect.
But i'm not.
I may never be.
Why do i feel so alone
when he's not around?
But when he is,
An inner personality of myself
beams with happiness,love,and playfulness.
I want to be like this forever,
But i cennot remove the fear from my heart.
That feeling of no self worth,abondonment,and discarded.
Feelings i've felt in so many ways.
By my father,
By my mother,
By friends,
By past lovers.
I can't lose him,
i'd die on the inside.
I need him more then he'll ever know.
I've asked him before
why me?
He's such a beautiful person
and i know he could have someone
who could have a flawless image;
but he choose me.
He just tells me to shut up.
I almost hope no one remembers this journal
and that one day in the future i look back
on this entry and reflect
on how strong i tried to be on the outside
but how deeply insecure and scared
i really was on the inside.
But for now i'm trying to dedicate myself
back on my art.
To create
and to share my perseptive on the world
through creative,beautiful,complex works of arts.
Such as costumes,decorative works and hopefully
more drawings.
Just like my journaling,
my drawing dwindled
the more and more i went through moments
where everything around me was torn down;
And forgotten.
The way a dream fades
as more day go by.
I'm not angry about any of this anymore.
I used to get angry and
curse the life paths i had to walk alone,
but now i just take everything calmly,
i'm much more patient-
and just breathe in deeply
and try to keep my head above water
whenever i feel like i'm starting
to drown.
This is of course how i deal
with hard situations that come my way
nowadays-
but i'm still my biggest enemy.
Why do i feel so much?
Most likely because i'm my own
worst critic-
and because i never quite
knew what normal was.
There may not be a specific
definition of this word 'perfect'
but everyone has thier own definition of it.
Mine is something like
if love could conquer and heal
all your deepest fears
and open your eyes to eternal devotion
and understanding.
It just makes me sad when i
look around me and see
love drying up and expiring
and being abused.
So far i think what i need to do
to be better
is to devote myself to making myself
the person i think i want to be.
I want to be inspirational and
insightful in the right way,
fearless,
a non smoker,
devoting time to treating my body
like a temple by putting good things into it
and not lose track of my figure just because
of anxiety and simply not admitting to myself
that i'm not making the right choices
and how that really makes a huge diffrence
in the long run...
and i need to do this by myself.
So i have the love of my life currently,
and i know it's the best time of my life,
i just hate old emotions that i can't erase
so easily.
I don't even trust my own mother
because of the number of times
she fucked me up,
from simply misunderstanding
who i was.
I wasn't anything she wanted me to be.
So maybe thats why i try so hard now
to be everything to the person i love
needs to have...
but i need to do better.
And i will.