I Can Be An Awful Person Too.
I can be be an awful person too.
i realize thinking,
my journal,
everything is from my point of view,
of course it is,
but often on times like these,
i don't want to make myself seem perfect
because i may judge other people for what wrong they do...
but in fact,
i've probably done it myself.
We all know we can't be perfect-
but sometimes that shouldn't be the excuse.
Often i think about somethings i do,
i hate myself.
Moments being taken away from reason,
or better,
throwing reason out the window on purpose...
and then whimpering over the consequences.
I blame myself for my inconsistency,
My failure often to follow through with my own word.
My failure to have too much pride sometimes,
instead of breaking down.
for doing some things i knew i'd regret.
for thinking too highly of myself instead of thinking about everyone else's feelings.
My acts of doing things i know my mother hates
and then complain when she yells at me or threatens to kick me out,
such as smoking in my room,piercings,tattoos-sneaking out.
Not valuing love when i should.
all the sorry's i've said which should have never been said to begin with,
because i knew better.
Choices made by me in spite,
which turned out suicidal.
For the feelings i've played with.
The drugs i've done and underestimated their power over me.
The sex i've had which keeps me up at night-
the guilt so strong i don't know how i live.
The lack of acceptance in 'Goodbye' in my head.
The lack of respect i hold against innocence.
My own disgust i hold against me when i look in the mirror,
and then still bring others down.
How sometimes i'm so in the situation that i don't remove myself from it-
too late to change expression.
My lack of understanding of my race-
I see myself literally raceless-
not because i only have white friends-
and all i've dated is white guys-
but because it's the way i think,
and those people understand me.
and then sometimes degrading myself because of what i am.
The horrible lies i've unleashed,
withdrawing truth to numb the pain,
the damage i've done-
when it only made it worse.
My distrust on myself with anything drastic.
My weakness to not say exactly how i feel-
and just say no.
My antisocial wall i put up when offered to hang out often-
showing my unknown self-the loner i am.
it's almost never that i don't want to hang out with someone-
it's just i'd prefer to be alone often.
the goods i've done-
i think back and picture myself doing the wrong thing-
and thinking of the excitement they'd bring though most likely-
i was right not to do.
The addiction i had to starting a clean slate in a new state or town-
remaking myself over and over to whats different
cause i've always thought of myself as plain and boring-
another reason why i dislike being without makeup.
my lack of responsibility when i know people are counting on me...
like now doing this and knowing have to get up early for work.
Growing impatient of goals i make for myself-
because they take to long and taking the shorter-
easier way out because everything i want takes too much time or is too hard to get -
but not impossible.
My lack of conscious for the people i've hurt.
My lack of logic or ignorance of my logic when i know it's wrong
but do it anyways.
My bad habits
like letting things pile up,
being late,
not wearing socks sometimes,
biting my fingernails,
chipping my nail polish,
end up paying more for things,
spending money unconsciously...
things like that.
Often doing things i don't want to do as favors,
and then biting my tongue down for wanting to do something else.
theres so much...
and my heart feels heavy thinking of all i've done.
and then heavier thinking of the things i'm doing now.
to the point where i feel logic has left awhile ago.
i no long know,
i'm lost in a sea of confusion and distaste.
nothing feels right,
and it won't for awhile.
i love too much,
i hate too much.
but this is me,
ripped in pieces.
i realize thinking,
my journal,
everything is from my point of view,
of course it is,
but often on times like these,
i don't want to make myself seem perfect
because i may judge other people for what wrong they do...
but in fact,
i've probably done it myself.
We all know we can't be perfect-
but sometimes that shouldn't be the excuse.
Often i think about somethings i do,
i hate myself.
Moments being taken away from reason,
or better,
throwing reason out the window on purpose...
and then whimpering over the consequences.
I blame myself for my inconsistency,
My failure often to follow through with my own word.
My failure to have too much pride sometimes,
instead of breaking down.
for doing some things i knew i'd regret.
for thinking too highly of myself instead of thinking about everyone else's feelings.
My acts of doing things i know my mother hates
and then complain when she yells at me or threatens to kick me out,
such as smoking in my room,piercings,tattoos-sneaking out.
Not valuing love when i should.
all the sorry's i've said which should have never been said to begin with,
because i knew better.
Choices made by me in spite,
which turned out suicidal.
For the feelings i've played with.
The drugs i've done and underestimated their power over me.
The sex i've had which keeps me up at night-
the guilt so strong i don't know how i live.
The lack of acceptance in 'Goodbye' in my head.
The lack of respect i hold against innocence.
My own disgust i hold against me when i look in the mirror,
and then still bring others down.
How sometimes i'm so in the situation that i don't remove myself from it-
too late to change expression.
My lack of understanding of my race-
I see myself literally raceless-
not because i only have white friends-
and all i've dated is white guys-
but because it's the way i think,
and those people understand me.
and then sometimes degrading myself because of what i am.
The horrible lies i've unleashed,
withdrawing truth to numb the pain,
the damage i've done-
when it only made it worse.
My distrust on myself with anything drastic.
My weakness to not say exactly how i feel-
and just say no.
My antisocial wall i put up when offered to hang out often-
showing my unknown self-the loner i am.
it's almost never that i don't want to hang out with someone-
it's just i'd prefer to be alone often.
the goods i've done-
i think back and picture myself doing the wrong thing-
and thinking of the excitement they'd bring though most likely-
i was right not to do.
The addiction i had to starting a clean slate in a new state or town-
remaking myself over and over to whats different
cause i've always thought of myself as plain and boring-
another reason why i dislike being without makeup.
my lack of responsibility when i know people are counting on me...
like now doing this and knowing have to get up early for work.
Growing impatient of goals i make for myself-
because they take to long and taking the shorter-
easier way out because everything i want takes too much time or is too hard to get -
but not impossible.
My lack of conscious for the people i've hurt.
My lack of logic or ignorance of my logic when i know it's wrong
but do it anyways.
My bad habits
like letting things pile up,
being late,
not wearing socks sometimes,
biting my fingernails,
chipping my nail polish,
end up paying more for things,
spending money unconsciously...
things like that.
Often doing things i don't want to do as favors,
and then biting my tongue down for wanting to do something else.
theres so much...
and my heart feels heavy thinking of all i've done.
and then heavier thinking of the things i'm doing now.
to the point where i feel logic has left awhile ago.
i no long know,
i'm lost in a sea of confusion and distaste.
nothing feels right,
and it won't for awhile.
i love too much,
i hate too much.
but this is me,
ripped in pieces.