(no subject)
I hate that I have to be numb in order not to draw attention to myself and my inability to handle my problems. Yeah, I'm going through a hard time. Same old shit as before with grieving added on top of it. But everyone's got problems. I feel like such a loser. I'm taking 14 credits (I was at 18 but dropped a class) and not really doing anything else -- the thing is, i wouldn't be able to handle anything else. I can't wait to get out of this place. I'm tired of feeling so incompetent and inadequate. I'm tired of being so lonely. Even when I'm around people, it's not the same. When I feel like this, I can't just blend in and be one of them. I need to talk to someone, but I don't feel like I really have someone I can do that with, besides my dad - but he's really busy, and I don't like using up his time. And I can talk to my friend Kelly from back home, for the most part, but I don't want to put all the burden on her. And she doesn't have all the answers -- not that anyone does. I'm going back to my counselor on Wednesday, so hopefully that will be a good session. I just really wish I could connect to other people - establish friendships that matter instead of having to pay someone to listen to me talk. I can't talk to people here. I feel like they're thinking "Ugh, Rachel, I just don't want to hear it" or "God, can't you just snap out of it?" and with my sister, I'm always afraid to open up for fear that she's just going to make me feel bad about not trying hard enough/slacking off/giving up etc. I keep wishing there were someone I could call who would really listen and actually give a shit, which makes me wish I could call my mom but then again it was always hit or miss with catching her in a good mood and whether or not she'd be helpful or just negative. I just want to stop being a screw-up.