Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see
I've been in a major funk the past few weeks, but after talking to my dad on Friday I've been feeling better. He helped put things into perspective, and he really hit everything that I was feeling on the head. So, that was reassuring. I've been so burnt out, depressed, and unmotivated. Part of it is probably senioritis, but it's just that on top of what I've been dealing with for the past few years, and even though I feel like I'm doing ok with the mom stuff, I'm sure that's part of it too. So I had a rough week, didn't want to leave my room for days on end and couldn't do anything except watch movies. I've been feeling really selfish because I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff and haven't taken notice of other people in general - whether they're having a hard time or not. Regardless, we've all got our issues. Anyway, like I said, the talk with my dad helped a lot. And it was good to be around people this weekend. It helped me feel a little less out of the loop and it was nice to be able to just let go and have fun.
Going home and having to see relatives was tough, but I think I did ok. On the drive there, I had missed an entrance ramp and stupidly tried to turn around on a snow-covered road, misjudged the depth of the snow and ended up with my car partly planted in a ditch. It was very, very minor and I didn't want to make a big, hairy deal out of it. I called my dad to let him know I'd be late, explained why and told him to just tell people I was stuck in traffic or something (because this delayed me an hour), and he's like sure. Then, inevitably, when I got to the party, my aunt probed me about it and then it became the topic of discussion for like 20 minutes. Ahhh so annoying. Then finally people got off the subject, kind of dispersed throughout the house, so it was just my aunt, my sister, and me and my aunt starts out saying "So, did you hit some black ice or something?" And I just try to be nice and say "I really don't feel like talking about it anymore." Then, later on when I'm leaving one of my uncles is like "Stay out of ditches!" Frustrating - exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid. I mean, I know it's no big deal, people do stupid things all the time, but when I do these things I feel like it further defines me as "Silly Rachel," like, "Oh, there she goes again doing something stupid. Haha isn't she funny" etc etc And the uncle who made the comment is such a stuff-shirted, staunch Republican businessman and I feel like he just sees me as this screw-up, like the ditch thing was just fuel to the fire. Bah. I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but it's hard. Anyway, I'm over it now, I just wanted to get it all written down.
I'm learning to accept the things I can't change about this place and my place in it and to trust that things will work out and that I shouldn't worry about the future. So far, so good.
Going home and having to see relatives was tough, but I think I did ok. On the drive there, I had missed an entrance ramp and stupidly tried to turn around on a snow-covered road, misjudged the depth of the snow and ended up with my car partly planted in a ditch. It was very, very minor and I didn't want to make a big, hairy deal out of it. I called my dad to let him know I'd be late, explained why and told him to just tell people I was stuck in traffic or something (because this delayed me an hour), and he's like sure. Then, inevitably, when I got to the party, my aunt probed me about it and then it became the topic of discussion for like 20 minutes. Ahhh so annoying. Then finally people got off the subject, kind of dispersed throughout the house, so it was just my aunt, my sister, and me and my aunt starts out saying "So, did you hit some black ice or something?" And I just try to be nice and say "I really don't feel like talking about it anymore." Then, later on when I'm leaving one of my uncles is like "Stay out of ditches!" Frustrating - exactly the kind of thing I was trying to avoid. I mean, I know it's no big deal, people do stupid things all the time, but when I do these things I feel like it further defines me as "Silly Rachel," like, "Oh, there she goes again doing something stupid. Haha isn't she funny" etc etc And the uncle who made the comment is such a stuff-shirted, staunch Republican businessman and I feel like he just sees me as this screw-up, like the ditch thing was just fuel to the fire. Bah. I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but it's hard. Anyway, I'm over it now, I just wanted to get it all written down.
I'm learning to accept the things I can't change about this place and my place in it and to trust that things will work out and that I shouldn't worry about the future. So far, so good.