Still the searcher must ride the dark horse racing alone in his freight
Last night was fantastic. It was so good to to hang out with everyone. :)
I did my best to ignore all that insecurity bullshit, that feeling that i don't belong or don't fit in, etc., and it turned out pretty well. I just had a bit too much to drink, which didn't hit me until after I smoked...haha but what did i expect, right? ugh, speaking of smoking, had too many cigarettes. and i had been doing so well with avoiding them...zounds.
it sucked because I was so tired and out of it when there was a good conversation going on in bauer's room...and all i could contribute was stuff like "wow, that's cool" "sounds amazing," which is fine but i wanted to be able to say more than that. oh well, sometimes you're with it and sometimes you're just not. i just get sick of not being able sometimes to engage my mind when i really want to. i know it's not true, but at the time i was thinking how much more intelligent pete, liz, and franchise were than me, started to wonder what i was doing there, like "what do i have to offer?" but again, i was out of it and i have to not let that define who i am. i'm intelligent and thoughtful, and i have no reason to feel inferior. i wish i didn't care so much what they think of me. frustrating. 3 and a half years, and things are still the same in that respect. i just need to learn to let it go.
plus i kept having to leave the room because i'd start to feel nauseated.
meh, it happens...tonight will be better.
Updated, a few hours later:
Just got some exciting news - I have the option of selling my half of the house to Carly, which would leave me with money to get my own place. :) So, I'll be able to move out sooner than I thought. Ahhh freedom. :) Now I just have to decide where to go....you know, think about where i'd be able to get a job, where i want to live and all that.
I did my best to ignore all that insecurity bullshit, that feeling that i don't belong or don't fit in, etc., and it turned out pretty well. I just had a bit too much to drink, which didn't hit me until after I smoked...haha but what did i expect, right? ugh, speaking of smoking, had too many cigarettes. and i had been doing so well with avoiding them...zounds.
it sucked because I was so tired and out of it when there was a good conversation going on in bauer's room...and all i could contribute was stuff like "wow, that's cool" "sounds amazing," which is fine but i wanted to be able to say more than that. oh well, sometimes you're with it and sometimes you're just not. i just get sick of not being able sometimes to engage my mind when i really want to. i know it's not true, but at the time i was thinking how much more intelligent pete, liz, and franchise were than me, started to wonder what i was doing there, like "what do i have to offer?" but again, i was out of it and i have to not let that define who i am. i'm intelligent and thoughtful, and i have no reason to feel inferior. i wish i didn't care so much what they think of me. frustrating. 3 and a half years, and things are still the same in that respect. i just need to learn to let it go.
plus i kept having to leave the room because i'd start to feel nauseated.
meh, it happens...tonight will be better.
Updated, a few hours later:
Just got some exciting news - I have the option of selling my half of the house to Carly, which would leave me with money to get my own place. :) So, I'll be able to move out sooner than I thought. Ahhh freedom. :) Now I just have to decide where to go....you know, think about where i'd be able to get a job, where i want to live and all that.