Back in the Cycle
So here I am again, back at school and ready and am excited for the semester ahead of me. I was ready to go into it head on and just enjoy it as much as possible...
However, no more than 24 hours later, I am sucked back in and I took a step back than I was when I was at home and enjoying life.
During the first semester here at school, I did something REALLY REALLY stupid and it really made it almost unbearaby awkward between me and one of my classmates, who happens to be of the male gender. I admit fully that I am attracted to him. When he is just comfortable and normal, he is sweet, nice, funny, impressive, and just a good person to have a conversation with, but more of that later.
After I did said mistake, it was understandable why he would just ignore me and not aknowlege my existance. I was fully aware of that and I knew that that was going to happen. While working with him, it was so professional that it was just a hair away to being awkward. I would smile and wave, but he would just blow me off and walk on his way. The only time he would talk to me then was if it was work related. I mean, I wouldn't blame him. I would react the same way.
After time passed, it got just more awkward. I feel pairs of eyes burn the back of my head or I feel someone's eyes on me and I would slightly look over to see his dark eyes just looking at me with some sort of expression I just could not decypher. I would see him from across the dining hall and when I saw that he looking my way, I would quickly manuver my eyes to another thing in the room to avoid his eyes and his stare. It was teh point to where we both would avoid eachother. I knew I was avoiding him, but that was for a reason I will explain later on.
Later on in the semester, he started to warm up again, saying hi to me and being nice again. He would join my table at lunch or at a meal and just be himself, which was such a relief to me, to see that. At least I knew he doesn't hate me. I would think to myself, as he kept warming up.
But then the next day, he would just not see me. I would wave and he would just go on his way to do something. Maybe he didn't hear me, maybe he didn't see me. I don't know. Then the next day he would be nice. For weeks he played me hot and cold, to the point that I thought I would get emotional hypothermia. My emotions were being played and it is just not good. One moment I would fins myself being attraced to him more and more being normal and sweet, but then the next I would hate hom for being a plain ol' douche and being an ass.
For weeks I was planning of just approaching him and ask him what he is thinking. I'm not going to lie, I was trying to figure out in how he acted around me, but it just was not clear. I was too scared to approach him. I already made my move, and I was waiting for him to approach me. I did not want him to feel uncomfortable around me. That's why I avoided him. I did not want him to feel uncomfortable. I wanted him to be at the point where he would feel comfortable enough to apporach me and tell me what he thinks. That's what I told him, that I would be here when he is ready for it.
So finally I grew a spine and was ready to approach him to tell him how I felt and ask him what is going on. I planned on doing it just before break so I would give myself time to contemplate on weither I could keep persuing and if so in what way, or to move on. I was talking to a group of friends and while in conversation, I found out that he already left for break earlier that morning.
Shit.
So I left for break having grown a spine and having it dwindle back to what it was, what I mean is, not having one at all.
Over break, I did a lot of thinking, alot of it, about him, what to do. I made the conclusion that when I got back, that I would just ride this storm out and just let what happens, happens, no big deal.
Less than 12 hours stepping back onto the JSC campus, my cycle started up. But this time, I was not the one to approach. He did, just engaging in conversation. I mean I am not complaining, it is SUCH a relief to know that he feeeling comfortable again and that he is being nice again, and a times almost as if he was flirting, but I know that is just not true. Me? Someone flirting with ME?! Yeah, what a riot! BUt it is just kind wierd you know, tat leving off just awkward and such, then to being chummy all of a sudden, nit thnking that it would not happen.
To add more fuel to the fire, I would out that I was not the only one with the glancing around here. I was informed that it was awkward glances between the both of us and now he is doing again, like say I was at a table with him just eating dinner. I went to take a drink of my soda and when I lowerd the cup, I see his eyes looking at me. I'm not gonna lie, it made my stomach flip and my heart to race a little, just to think that maybe, just maybe, he might me interested after all! *knocks on wood*
I don't know. I just don't want to keep wondering. I want to know. I just want a one on one conversation with him, just him and me, like the first one we had in Spetember, the conversation that got me attracted to him in the first place, him looking into my eyes while talking, treating me like an equal and with respect. As I said before, it goes VERY far with me and it is a turn on for me when it comes to men, it makes them that more attractive to me. Plus he is just an all-around decet guy. Helpful, at times talented in what he does, and VERY good-looking in my opinion. ;D
Well, I just needed to clear my head, and I did that so now I am ready to hit the hay.
Why is the male gender SO DAMN confusing? lol