i think the whole thing blew away
Random things:
= I dreamt last night that I was baking cookies with my eldest niece and nephew, and the song "Momentary Thing" came on, and I was like, "I love this song!" and Alyssa said, "This is the song that was playing the first time Logan and Veronica kissed!" Now, in the waking world, I don't believe she's ever watched VMars, though I've recommended it to her. But I can't remember if that's actually the case or if it played at some other point (I know it's from VMars, but not when exactly it was used). I just find it hilarious that my brain comes up with these things while I'm asleep. Now I want to hear the song again. *cues it up on the iPod*
= I rode the whole way downtown sitting next to a guy I work with, though I didn't realize it at the time, as both of us were wearing headphones and sunglasses, and neither of us has explicitly acknowledged it. I am just glad we didn't have to make awkward and stilted small talk. I need my commute time to transform myself from preverbal to functioning.
= There is a lot to unpack from last night's SPN, especially in regard to the Winchester family dynamics, which are always my favorite part of the show, and the thing that keeps me watching when other things make me ragey or eye-rolly, so I imagine I'll be talking about it for a while.
In the grand scheme of things, I really don't have a problem with John having another kid somewhere. If my father hadn't remarried after his first wife died, I wouldn't be here. And the fact that he didn't know about Adam until Sam had gone off to Stanford (2002), ameliorates a lot of the immediate "He was off taking this kid to baseball games when Dean was sitting in a dingy motel feeding Sam spaghettios!" rage.
Because it was John's second chance, and as much as I think keeping it from Dean and Sam was horrible, and as much as I understand both Sam and Dean's betrayal, hurt and anger, I can't blame John for trying to take it, especially with his sons grown and out of the house car. (though by then I believe the Impala was already Dean's [well, according to ItB, the Impala has ALWAYS been Dean's *g*], so that's kind of a plothole, along with the two ripped out pages of the journal they've apparently never noticed before? I mean, it's a binder, so there didn't have to be fiddly bits of paper left, you know?)
On the one hand, I find it kind of surprising that he wouldn't want to protect Adam and Kate, or at least teach them to protect themselves, but on the other, I can also see him wanting to escape that, just for a few hours or days at a time. I also think at this point, he knew something was after Sam, though not what, whereas Adam had been fine for the first twelve years of his life, and John's as human as the rest of us - no doubt he told himself that it would be okay, they would be fine, nothing bad would ever touch them, and he let himself believe it. Needed to believe it, probably. That he could do it again and do it right this time, after he'd turned Dean into a soldier at the age of 4, and driven Sam away entirely.
That doesn't make it okay that he kept Sam and Dean in the dark, though I can also see why he did that - that he couldn't deal with the two worlds colliding (though he should have known they would have eventually. John, honey, you're smarter than that, though sometimes you really didn't act like it), couldn't deal with being baseball-game-going John with Mary's boys, knowing that's what Mary would have wanted (and what they, at times, needed) and not being able, emotionally, to provide it.
My heart breaks for both Dean and Sam - Dean because this is the father he can vaguely remember from before the fire, that he thought was lost forever ("Dad played softball? That's funny to me." WIaWSNB) and Sam because this is the father he never got a chance to know, the same way Mary is the mother he has no memory of.
And Dean, trying hard to give Adam the innocence he couldn't ever give Sam (recall AHBL and AVSC and Sam's incessant questions and Dean's answer is the same - "You don't want to know." and Something Wicked, where he says he'd give anything to let Sam have that innocence), while Sam wants Adam to be able to protect himself (but also, wants to know why Adam gets to have the normality that was torn away from him - there's definitely more than a hint of resentment and spite in Sam's desire to take Adam's normal life from him and thrust him into the no-attachments/no future world of hunting).
I like how there are those reversals - Sam advocating John's approach and embrace of the hunting life, and Dean not - but also the similarities to how they've always been - Dean wanting to follow John's apparent wishes in regard to Adam, and Sam bulling ahead and ignoring them, all bound up in that argument, that "It's too late for us, but he still has a shot." Oh, boys...
I also like the flip from season 2, where Sam was all, "Keep the civilians in the dark" and Dean was all, "If they're involved, they have a right to know."
Sam has been growing into John since season 1, and both he and Dean have been aware of it since then - Sam's always put revenge as a motive first, the only thing more important is Dean, and John did the same in IMToD, when he gave away their chance at the YED to save Dean's life.
Right now, Dean is the only thing keeping Sam from losing it completely - as tripoli8 put it, Dean, much as Sam is your beloved reality/porn filter, you are Sam's sane ideas/groin-punchingly insane ideas filter, and it was time to clock the fuck in like two years ago. Sam has been full of groin-punchingly insane ideas for a while now (and seriously, Castiel wouldn't heal Dean after Sam killed Alastair with his brain. What makes Sam think he's going to be amenable to bringing some random guy back, Winchester or no? I mean, seriously, Sam? Even if it weren't a terrible idea to begin with, it's unworkable!), and right now, I think it's only Dean's hand on the metaphorical reins (pipe down, wincesters) that will keep Sam from bringing on the apocalypse - which is what they want us to think, so possibly they're going to pull some kind of switcheroo, but I really hope not, because Sam's been pretty bugfuck nuts since "Mystery Spot" and I'd like them to finally pay that off.
= Today's poem:
Lines For Painting On Grains Of Rice
You are the kind of person who buys exotic fruits
leaves them out on the counter until they rot
You always mean to eat them sometimes you rearrange them
rousing over the bowl a cloud of tiny flies
&
How do they balance the parrot who chews a walnut
sideways holding it up in his right foot
the owl perched on a just-lit lamppost
scratching behind its ear like a big dog
&
Your pencil eraser wears down long before the point
for every word you write you rub out two
&
Where the slice of toast rested the plate is still warm
a film of fog little points of dew
&
Love is like velocity we feel the speeding up
and the slowing down otherwise not at all
the more steady the more it feels like going nowhere
my love I want to go nowhere with you
&
I cannot bring myself to toss the cup of cold coffee
you set down by the door on your way to the taxi
all day I have sipped it each time forgetting
your two tablets of fake sugar too sweet
~Craig Arnold
~*~
= I dreamt last night that I was baking cookies with my eldest niece and nephew, and the song "Momentary Thing" came on, and I was like, "I love this song!" and Alyssa said, "This is the song that was playing the first time Logan and Veronica kissed!" Now, in the waking world, I don't believe she's ever watched VMars, though I've recommended it to her. But I can't remember if that's actually the case or if it played at some other point (I know it's from VMars, but not when exactly it was used). I just find it hilarious that my brain comes up with these things while I'm asleep. Now I want to hear the song again. *cues it up on the iPod*
= I rode the whole way downtown sitting next to a guy I work with, though I didn't realize it at the time, as both of us were wearing headphones and sunglasses, and neither of us has explicitly acknowledged it. I am just glad we didn't have to make awkward and stilted small talk. I need my commute time to transform myself from preverbal to functioning.
= There is a lot to unpack from last night's SPN, especially in regard to the Winchester family dynamics, which are always my favorite part of the show, and the thing that keeps me watching when other things make me ragey or eye-rolly, so I imagine I'll be talking about it for a while.
In the grand scheme of things, I really don't have a problem with John having another kid somewhere. If my father hadn't remarried after his first wife died, I wouldn't be here. And the fact that he didn't know about Adam until Sam had gone off to Stanford (2002), ameliorates a lot of the immediate "He was off taking this kid to baseball games when Dean was sitting in a dingy motel feeding Sam spaghettios!" rage.
Because it was John's second chance, and as much as I think keeping it from Dean and Sam was horrible, and as much as I understand both Sam and Dean's betrayal, hurt and anger, I can't blame John for trying to take it, especially with his sons grown and out of the house car. (though by then I believe the Impala was already Dean's [well, according to ItB, the Impala has ALWAYS been Dean's *g*], so that's kind of a plothole, along with the two ripped out pages of the journal they've apparently never noticed before? I mean, it's a binder, so there didn't have to be fiddly bits of paper left, you know?)
On the one hand, I find it kind of surprising that he wouldn't want to protect Adam and Kate, or at least teach them to protect themselves, but on the other, I can also see him wanting to escape that, just for a few hours or days at a time. I also think at this point, he knew something was after Sam, though not what, whereas Adam had been fine for the first twelve years of his life, and John's as human as the rest of us - no doubt he told himself that it would be okay, they would be fine, nothing bad would ever touch them, and he let himself believe it. Needed to believe it, probably. That he could do it again and do it right this time, after he'd turned Dean into a soldier at the age of 4, and driven Sam away entirely.
That doesn't make it okay that he kept Sam and Dean in the dark, though I can also see why he did that - that he couldn't deal with the two worlds colliding (though he should have known they would have eventually. John, honey, you're smarter than that, though sometimes you really didn't act like it), couldn't deal with being baseball-game-going John with Mary's boys, knowing that's what Mary would have wanted (and what they, at times, needed) and not being able, emotionally, to provide it.
My heart breaks for both Dean and Sam - Dean because this is the father he can vaguely remember from before the fire, that he thought was lost forever ("Dad played softball? That's funny to me." WIaWSNB) and Sam because this is the father he never got a chance to know, the same way Mary is the mother he has no memory of.
And Dean, trying hard to give Adam the innocence he couldn't ever give Sam (recall AHBL and AVSC and Sam's incessant questions and Dean's answer is the same - "You don't want to know." and Something Wicked, where he says he'd give anything to let Sam have that innocence), while Sam wants Adam to be able to protect himself (but also, wants to know why Adam gets to have the normality that was torn away from him - there's definitely more than a hint of resentment and spite in Sam's desire to take Adam's normal life from him and thrust him into the no-attachments/no future world of hunting).
I like how there are those reversals - Sam advocating John's approach and embrace of the hunting life, and Dean not - but also the similarities to how they've always been - Dean wanting to follow John's apparent wishes in regard to Adam, and Sam bulling ahead and ignoring them, all bound up in that argument, that "It's too late for us, but he still has a shot." Oh, boys...
I also like the flip from season 2, where Sam was all, "Keep the civilians in the dark" and Dean was all, "If they're involved, they have a right to know."
Sam has been growing into John since season 1, and both he and Dean have been aware of it since then - Sam's always put revenge as a motive first, the only thing more important is Dean, and John did the same in IMToD, when he gave away their chance at the YED to save Dean's life.
Right now, Dean is the only thing keeping Sam from losing it completely - as tripoli8 put it, Dean, much as Sam is your beloved reality/porn filter, you are Sam's sane ideas/groin-punchingly insane ideas filter, and it was time to clock the fuck in like two years ago. Sam has been full of groin-punchingly insane ideas for a while now (and seriously, Castiel wouldn't heal Dean after Sam killed Alastair with his brain. What makes Sam think he's going to be amenable to bringing some random guy back, Winchester or no? I mean, seriously, Sam? Even if it weren't a terrible idea to begin with, it's unworkable!), and right now, I think it's only Dean's hand on the metaphorical reins (pipe down, wincesters) that will keep Sam from bringing on the apocalypse - which is what they want us to think, so possibly they're going to pull some kind of switcheroo, but I really hope not, because Sam's been pretty bugfuck nuts since "Mystery Spot" and I'd like them to finally pay that off.
= Today's poem:
Lines For Painting On Grains Of Rice
You are the kind of person who buys exotic fruits
leaves them out on the counter until they rot
You always mean to eat them sometimes you rearrange them
rousing over the bowl a cloud of tiny flies
&
How do they balance the parrot who chews a walnut
sideways holding it up in his right foot
the owl perched on a just-lit lamppost
scratching behind its ear like a big dog
&
Your pencil eraser wears down long before the point
for every word you write you rub out two
&
Where the slice of toast rested the plate is still warm
a film of fog little points of dew
&
Love is like velocity we feel the speeding up
and the slowing down otherwise not at all
the more steady the more it feels like going nowhere
my love I want to go nowhere with you
&
I cannot bring myself to toss the cup of cold coffee
you set down by the door on your way to the taxi
all day I have sipped it each time forgetting
your two tablets of fake sugar too sweet
~Craig Arnold
~*~