(no subject)
The more free time I have [And believe you, me, I have lots of it on 24HR guard] to contemplate about life after the Army, the more scared I become of it. It's a natural emotion one goes through, isn't it? I mean, a huge part of who and what I am is going to end soon. I won't have the comfort of security that I do now. That, I suppose frightens me. I start my re-integration back into the life that I've left behind once.
A lot of people are scared of the unknown. That is why we invent/imagine things that, sometimes, aren't really there. I think we do it to keep our fragile minds from going over the brinks. We, as a whole, are constantly trying to better ourselves and the people/places/things around us. Which, inevitably, will lead us into the future, and also be our demise. Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to have all the things that we do. If everyone was happily conforming to the norm, mankind would've never been able to have the opportunity to re-invent ourselves, over and over again. Words like technology and science fiction would be erased from our vocabulary. We would all still be walking, talking, neanthertals.
Security is such a dangerous word. I mean, nothing really, in this world, is secure. We fight for everything we have and everything we want in the future. Only to one day, lose it all and fall to the ashes of which we were created. So, in a sense, what I am really scared of, is stepping away from my comfort zone. Can I really be this naive? That if I stay with which I am accustommed to, everything will work out for the best?
I need to learn to step out of that zone. A task many have done before me, and many will do after my time has passed. If many have conquered their fears and have taken that leap, setting blazing trails of guided light, with the brightness of a thousand suns, then I should be no different. When in Rome, do what the Romans do. Who am I mess with tradition. Who am I to tempt fate.
I have another chance to re-invent myself, once again. Upgrade my software, if you will. My second chance at re-igniting that glimmer light of hope that once shined from within me. That same light that was previously blown out by my own devices will shine once more.
I am rarely sure of myself. I think, because I was raised in such a manner that, everything I have, can easily be taken away, and everything I've overcome, can easily overcome me once again. I tend to teeter on the thin wire longer than I should. Balancing myself as best I can. Growing up dirt poor can have that affect on a man's psyche. Nothing was given. Everything was worked for.
Migrating to the states with two kids under his arms, leaving all the warmth and security of the known, must have been quite unbearable at times. But my father stuck with it. He took the path less travelled. When the opportunity to give his children a better life surfaced, my father took hold and held on for dear life. Taking his two kids with him. It must've broken his heart to leave everyone and everything he'd ever known. Everything he knew of this world, rapidly became the scenes of yester-years. Like the road when looking through the rear window of a speeding car, its quickly left behind, only to be re-visted in another lifetime.
If I learned anything from my old man, it is that when the opportunity arises to re-create oneself, you never let it pass you by. One of the reasons I decided to enlist in the first place.
Now that fork in the road is in front of me again. I feel as though this time, a different/better man is standing there. I've shed my cocoon and am ready to take on whatever flying fruit life wants to throw at me. But the unnerving thing about it all is that, only three years prior, on that very road, I was a lot more sure of myself, than I am now. I have doubts. I have future-regrets. I was heading towards a life in the gutter and the only thing that kept me from that fate, last time, was this very same fork. I took the path less travelled then. I knew I needed to change, if I wanted to live. But now, I find myself in that very same predicament. Only this time, my sense of fore-sight is lost within me. I know I want to take the high road. I know I want to, but my hesitation scares me beyond comprehension.
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Fear of the unknown. I can easily make the military my career. After all, it was the military's ingredients that help mold this new me. Everything will be unchanged if I do. I will probably be unhappy and bitter, but at least I know this role. I've been playing it for the last three years of my life. I am comfortable with my supporting actor role. The concept that I am a crucial and integral gear in the ever-moving machine that is the Army, in some strange, dellussional way, is serene-ly comforting.
I want to be more happy though. Is'nt that life's main objective? Isn't that what every living creature strives for? Whether they have the mental capacity to comprehend the notion of happiness or not, I think they all strive for it. [Well, that and reproducing, over and over again.]
It's time I take hold of the steering wheel of opportunity and hold on for my dear life. It doesn't matter how bumpy the ride is. We all go through them. Potholes and bumps are a reality on the road of life. It shouldn't deter any of us from driving on it. I am sick of idling in neutral. Time to throw it into first gear and let the engine scream til redline.
I really want to be more happy.
Oh the possibilities. Oh the excitement. Oh the many problems and headaches. I can't wait to make mistakes. Only to spend every waking hour trying to correct them, just so I can make them again. It's been an interesting ride so far. I can't wait to see whats in store for me next. No matter which road we all choose to take, our destinations are all the same. It's the ride that differs, and ultimately, make us who we are. Whats the point of getting there if you don't enjoy the ride?
Its all about the ride, baby.
I am still scared shitless, but, stealing a quote from all of the recovering alcoholics out there, "I've just had a moment of clarity." I know what I need to do.
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What are you scared of? Comment and let me know.
A lot of people are scared of the unknown. That is why we invent/imagine things that, sometimes, aren't really there. I think we do it to keep our fragile minds from going over the brinks. We, as a whole, are constantly trying to better ourselves and the people/places/things around us. Which, inevitably, will lead us into the future, and also be our demise. Otherwise, we wouldn't be able to have all the things that we do. If everyone was happily conforming to the norm, mankind would've never been able to have the opportunity to re-invent ourselves, over and over again. Words like technology and science fiction would be erased from our vocabulary. We would all still be walking, talking, neanthertals.
Security is such a dangerous word. I mean, nothing really, in this world, is secure. We fight for everything we have and everything we want in the future. Only to one day, lose it all and fall to the ashes of which we were created. So, in a sense, what I am really scared of, is stepping away from my comfort zone. Can I really be this naive? That if I stay with which I am accustommed to, everything will work out for the best?
I need to learn to step out of that zone. A task many have done before me, and many will do after my time has passed. If many have conquered their fears and have taken that leap, setting blazing trails of guided light, with the brightness of a thousand suns, then I should be no different. When in Rome, do what the Romans do. Who am I mess with tradition. Who am I to tempt fate.
I have another chance to re-invent myself, once again. Upgrade my software, if you will. My second chance at re-igniting that glimmer light of hope that once shined from within me. That same light that was previously blown out by my own devices will shine once more.
I am rarely sure of myself. I think, because I was raised in such a manner that, everything I have, can easily be taken away, and everything I've overcome, can easily overcome me once again. I tend to teeter on the thin wire longer than I should. Balancing myself as best I can. Growing up dirt poor can have that affect on a man's psyche. Nothing was given. Everything was worked for.
Migrating to the states with two kids under his arms, leaving all the warmth and security of the known, must have been quite unbearable at times. But my father stuck with it. He took the path less travelled. When the opportunity to give his children a better life surfaced, my father took hold and held on for dear life. Taking his two kids with him. It must've broken his heart to leave everyone and everything he'd ever known. Everything he knew of this world, rapidly became the scenes of yester-years. Like the road when looking through the rear window of a speeding car, its quickly left behind, only to be re-visted in another lifetime.
If I learned anything from my old man, it is that when the opportunity arises to re-create oneself, you never let it pass you by. One of the reasons I decided to enlist in the first place.
Now that fork in the road is in front of me again. I feel as though this time, a different/better man is standing there. I've shed my cocoon and am ready to take on whatever flying fruit life wants to throw at me. But the unnerving thing about it all is that, only three years prior, on that very road, I was a lot more sure of myself, than I am now. I have doubts. I have future-regrets. I was heading towards a life in the gutter and the only thing that kept me from that fate, last time, was this very same fork. I took the path less travelled then. I knew I needed to change, if I wanted to live. But now, I find myself in that very same predicament. Only this time, my sense of fore-sight is lost within me. I know I want to take the high road. I know I want to, but my hesitation scares me beyond comprehension.
-------------
Fear of the unknown. I can easily make the military my career. After all, it was the military's ingredients that help mold this new me. Everything will be unchanged if I do. I will probably be unhappy and bitter, but at least I know this role. I've been playing it for the last three years of my life. I am comfortable with my supporting actor role. The concept that I am a crucial and integral gear in the ever-moving machine that is the Army, in some strange, dellussional way, is serene-ly comforting.
I want to be more happy though. Is'nt that life's main objective? Isn't that what every living creature strives for? Whether they have the mental capacity to comprehend the notion of happiness or not, I think they all strive for it. [Well, that and reproducing, over and over again.]
It's time I take hold of the steering wheel of opportunity and hold on for my dear life. It doesn't matter how bumpy the ride is. We all go through them. Potholes and bumps are a reality on the road of life. It shouldn't deter any of us from driving on it. I am sick of idling in neutral. Time to throw it into first gear and let the engine scream til redline.
I really want to be more happy.
Oh the possibilities. Oh the excitement. Oh the many problems and headaches. I can't wait to make mistakes. Only to spend every waking hour trying to correct them, just so I can make them again. It's been an interesting ride so far. I can't wait to see whats in store for me next. No matter which road we all choose to take, our destinations are all the same. It's the ride that differs, and ultimately, make us who we are. Whats the point of getting there if you don't enjoy the ride?
Its all about the ride, baby.
I am still scared shitless, but, stealing a quote from all of the recovering alcoholics out there, "I've just had a moment of clarity." I know what I need to do.
--------------
What are you scared of? Comment and let me know.