HOW TO BE COOL: An Advanced Mathmatical Analysis

[muggleangel]

It is a generally recognized fact that it is cool to be uncool. Therefore COOL = -COOL. Examples:

-- Napoleon Dynamite. Movie about an uncool kid. Cool.
-- Punk. Anticool. Cool.
-- They Might Be Giants

This equation, also works in reverse. (-COOL = COOL) Examples:

-- “Win a Date With Tad Hamilton”. Painfully uncool.
-- Cheerleading. Uncool.
-- Nickelback.

In an interesting paradox, it is generally acknowledged that OLD ≠ COOL, yet RETRO = COOL. Examples:

-- Chucks. Cool.
-- Antique shopping. Uncool.
-- Wearing your mother’s old clothes from the eighties. Cool.
-- Your mother wearing her old clothes from the eighties. Uncool.

There is also coolness in obscurity, that is, the less known an object or hobby is the cooler it is. (COOL>KNOWN). For example:

-- That weird “But I’ll bet you haven’t heard of {band name}…” game punk boys play.
-- The “But I’ll bet you haven’t read…” game literary buffs test each other out with.
-- The ultimate cool-ness that is The Dismemberment Plan.

This also works in reverse. (KNOWN>COOL). Examples:

-- Britney Spears. Household name, uncool.
-- Justin Timberlake. Same.
-- Nickelback.

In conclusion, if you want to be cool, it appears that the best method is to attempt it entirely ass-backwards. Good luck.