Discoveries
In the last week, I've seen Actor Guy every other day, as well as both days of the weekend. I spent the night at his place Saturday night, and in the morning he had me sleep in while he exercised his dogs. He woke me up to tell me that he'd made us breakfast. As I got dressed, he brought me a mug of hot coffee made from beans that he'd roasted himself that morning. "Is there anything you don't do?" I asked. The coffee was delicious, of course. He made an amazingly luscious omelet stuffed with sauteed mushrooms, onions, bacon and cheese, with sliced heirloom tomatoes on the side and French bread. He also brought out the remainder of his last batch of kimchee, which wasn't bad -- it would totally pass muster with Koreans.
Afterward, we caught a matinee of "Crazy, Stupid, Love," which we both liked. I would totally recommend it. We walked hand-in-hand around a nearby mall, laughing at the items in an "As Seen On TV" store -- did you know that you can make hard boiled eggs without having to peel a single shell? -- and stopped for an afternoon snack and glass of sparkling wine at a restaurant. "It was the perfect Sunday," he said when we got back to his place. And it very much felt that way.
One thing I've been learning -- he's actually a bit of a crank. On one of our dates, the subject of Africa came up (his sister is there working on a project) and he mentioned that he had no interest in going there. I was agog, especially since going to Africa is totally on my bucket list.
"None of it? Not even Egypt or Morocco? You would rule out an entire continent?" I demanded. I couldn't hide my shock. He explained that the level of poverty, filth, disease and corruption depressed him, and kept him from wanting to go there. I protested that India and China had lots of poverty, filth and corruption as well, and he countered that he had no desire to go to India either, and wasn't interested in revisiting China. I said something that implied he had no curiosity about the world, and I could tell he was getting defensive -- shades of our Wang-Wong, "why would you go to a big chain bookstore over an independent" conversations, only this time the tables were turned. But later, when I told him how much I liked him, he looked relieved.
"Even though I'm a grouch?" he asked. I realized then that he felt exactly the way I did when I'd gotten annoyed with him, and it came down to feeling like the other person thought less of you, feeling like you're being criticized or judged. And even though I'm bummed that he doesn't share the same burning desire to go to Africa, it doesn't actually make me like him less. The realization made me feel more secure about when we spar over things. We may disagree on some stuff, but that doesn't diminish our feelings for each other.
Once he got that I wasn't going to stop liking him even though he has the I-don't-like-change/traveling-in-total-discomfort attitude of a grumpy old man, Actor Guy relaxed. "If you want to go to Africa, I'll go with you to Africa," he told me. Sometimes, that's all that's needed. Knowing that he'd be willing to go just for me, even if we end up never going to Africa together, makes me happy. It's enough.
It's been exactly a month since I met Actor Guy. It's really been beyond anything I ever imagined. I still find it hard to believe it -- a budding relationship -- is even happening. I enjoy his company and our connection so much. There are so many things that are different from my previous relationship, the vast majority of it for the better.
I will admit, however, that sometimes I miss that feeling of being able to go to a nice dinner and letting the guy pay without a second thought. I never felt that with Steven, since we were so broke at the time, but it was something I enjoyed with R., and I worry about AG's finances in a way that I never did with R. His place is definitely the opposite of R.'s: old (paper-thin walls and doors, windows that barely seal out the elements, no air-conditioning), dirty (it's a shoes-on kind of place and the dogs track in dirt from outside and drool and shed all over), and shabby (all the corners of the furniture are chewed and the curtains are shredded, thanks to the dogs). He's not into fashion or design, unlike R., who liked John Varvatos clothing and Italian leather boots. Actor Guy usually wears t-shirts and shorts from Costco, and his standard footwear is New Balance sneakers (which was actually a running joke in "Crazy, Stupid, Love") or Crocs worn with socks. He avoids Mac products because he doesn't want to pay the premium for them (unlike R. who bought an iPad 2 the minute it was available and swears by his iPhone). He sweats profusely -- maybe because he doesn't have air-conditioning, maybe because he's a big athletic guy -- but fortunately doesn't smell at all (he's one of those people that have no body odor). R., on the other hand, was thin, slightly feminine and never broke a sweat, but definitely needed to use deodorant, and did (it was not fun to catch a whiff of his armpit when he didn't). The sex...well, that's been interesting. R. and I rarely had sex, but when we did, it was quite good. R., as slight as he was, had the physical goods. (Though I will say that in my limited experience, no one came close to Steven, and I'm not just saying that because he was my first.) Actor Guy and I have the most amazing chemistry, he's super hot, and I never get tired of kissing him and being in physical contact with him -- but the actual mechanics will need to be worked on, and certain things can't be changed. I don't know. What's better? Loveless, infrequent sex that is still somewhat satisfying, physically? Or loving and frequent but (so far) physically unsatisfying sex? I suppose this is all TMI...but it's been on my mind ever since this weekend.
I really hope we get better at it. Is it possible? I don't know -- I have so little experience in these things -- but I think so. And yes, there are things that maybe aren't as luxe or materially comfortable as in my last relationship, but it's been SO much more emotionally satisfying, and I'm so much happier, in a million little ways. I'm crazy about him, and he told me again yesterday that he was crazy about me. You just can't beat that.
Overall, it's been a very good month.
Afterward, we caught a matinee of "Crazy, Stupid, Love," which we both liked. I would totally recommend it. We walked hand-in-hand around a nearby mall, laughing at the items in an "As Seen On TV" store -- did you know that you can make hard boiled eggs without having to peel a single shell? -- and stopped for an afternoon snack and glass of sparkling wine at a restaurant. "It was the perfect Sunday," he said when we got back to his place. And it very much felt that way.
One thing I've been learning -- he's actually a bit of a crank. On one of our dates, the subject of Africa came up (his sister is there working on a project) and he mentioned that he had no interest in going there. I was agog, especially since going to Africa is totally on my bucket list.
"None of it? Not even Egypt or Morocco? You would rule out an entire continent?" I demanded. I couldn't hide my shock. He explained that the level of poverty, filth, disease and corruption depressed him, and kept him from wanting to go there. I protested that India and China had lots of poverty, filth and corruption as well, and he countered that he had no desire to go to India either, and wasn't interested in revisiting China. I said something that implied he had no curiosity about the world, and I could tell he was getting defensive -- shades of our Wang-Wong, "why would you go to a big chain bookstore over an independent" conversations, only this time the tables were turned. But later, when I told him how much I liked him, he looked relieved.
"Even though I'm a grouch?" he asked. I realized then that he felt exactly the way I did when I'd gotten annoyed with him, and it came down to feeling like the other person thought less of you, feeling like you're being criticized or judged. And even though I'm bummed that he doesn't share the same burning desire to go to Africa, it doesn't actually make me like him less. The realization made me feel more secure about when we spar over things. We may disagree on some stuff, but that doesn't diminish our feelings for each other.
Once he got that I wasn't going to stop liking him even though he has the I-don't-like-change/traveling-in-total-discomfort attitude of a grumpy old man, Actor Guy relaxed. "If you want to go to Africa, I'll go with you to Africa," he told me. Sometimes, that's all that's needed. Knowing that he'd be willing to go just for me, even if we end up never going to Africa together, makes me happy. It's enough.
It's been exactly a month since I met Actor Guy. It's really been beyond anything I ever imagined. I still find it hard to believe it -- a budding relationship -- is even happening. I enjoy his company and our connection so much. There are so many things that are different from my previous relationship, the vast majority of it for the better.
I will admit, however, that sometimes I miss that feeling of being able to go to a nice dinner and letting the guy pay without a second thought. I never felt that with Steven, since we were so broke at the time, but it was something I enjoyed with R., and I worry about AG's finances in a way that I never did with R. His place is definitely the opposite of R.'s: old (paper-thin walls and doors, windows that barely seal out the elements, no air-conditioning), dirty (it's a shoes-on kind of place and the dogs track in dirt from outside and drool and shed all over), and shabby (all the corners of the furniture are chewed and the curtains are shredded, thanks to the dogs). He's not into fashion or design, unlike R., who liked John Varvatos clothing and Italian leather boots. Actor Guy usually wears t-shirts and shorts from Costco, and his standard footwear is New Balance sneakers (which was actually a running joke in "Crazy, Stupid, Love") or Crocs worn with socks. He avoids Mac products because he doesn't want to pay the premium for them (unlike R. who bought an iPad 2 the minute it was available and swears by his iPhone). He sweats profusely -- maybe because he doesn't have air-conditioning, maybe because he's a big athletic guy -- but fortunately doesn't smell at all (he's one of those people that have no body odor). R., on the other hand, was thin, slightly feminine and never broke a sweat, but definitely needed to use deodorant, and did (it was not fun to catch a whiff of his armpit when he didn't). The sex...well, that's been interesting. R. and I rarely had sex, but when we did, it was quite good. R., as slight as he was, had the physical goods. (Though I will say that in my limited experience, no one came close to Steven, and I'm not just saying that because he was my first.) Actor Guy and I have the most amazing chemistry, he's super hot, and I never get tired of kissing him and being in physical contact with him -- but the actual mechanics will need to be worked on, and certain things can't be changed. I don't know. What's better? Loveless, infrequent sex that is still somewhat satisfying, physically? Or loving and frequent but (so far) physically unsatisfying sex? I suppose this is all TMI...but it's been on my mind ever since this weekend.
I really hope we get better at it. Is it possible? I don't know -- I have so little experience in these things -- but I think so. And yes, there are things that maybe aren't as luxe or materially comfortable as in my last relationship, but it's been SO much more emotionally satisfying, and I'm so much happier, in a million little ways. I'm crazy about him, and he told me again yesterday that he was crazy about me. You just can't beat that.
Overall, it's been a very good month.