Too much drive-time thinkery
I noted on FB yesterday:
[S]omething I noted early Saturday morning as I was filling the tank for the day trip to Trillies: In April I filled the tank four times, once per week. With yesterday's fill, that made a total of EIGHT fills in June. If anyone is wondering where I do all the mental processing I've had to do in the past three weeks, apparently it's been in my car :-/
I logged a lot of time in the car this weekend (including the aborted attempt to get to Toronto through the 401 asshaberdashery Friday night).
I realized (finally) that I need to stop answering Matthew's questions about how the relationship would be different in the future, or how he might know or be able to tell things have changed. Firstly, things have already changed, and will always continue to change. It's what organic things do. But one of us cannot guarantee the other will notice, choose to see, or choose to value those changes as either of us might wish - after all, that's pretty much how we got to this point on the negative arm of that different notice/different value process. One or the other of us not noticing, or not equally valuing, decisions and actions from the other has been a common-enough occurrence across our relationship that to assume we can arbitrarily and completely stop doing so in future is not just folly, but possibly buying into a dangerously unrealistic expectation that sets us both up to fail spectacularly.
Secondly, I alone cannot change the RELATIONSHIP. I can and will only change myself. It takes two or more people for building or changing this kind of relationship, and I realized a couple of days ago that in attempting to process or respond to Matthew's questions about what will be different as my inner fears want to respond (placatingly, soothingly), I am committing a different kind of fatal error: buying into the theory that one person can do the work of TWO PEOPLE to define something that should not be defined by one alone. We allowed two people's distinct fears to to shape this relationship; it's going to take two people's interactive and interdeveloped vision to create something different.
I understand *why* Matthew's asking the questions and the reassurances he's seeking. I just want to find a better means of addressing them without setting myself up for some very unpleasant kinds of failure:
Times past, I've asked the same questions that Matthew's asking, seeking the same reassurances, based in the same (or similar) fears, avoiding taking the same risks so I retained the same power of choice and control. I KNOW what this looks like from the flip-side. I know that I want to respond with the answers I think he wants to hear as a means of getting closer to what I want without necessarily looking authentically at what we're doing, the promises we're making, and the costs we're almost certainly ignoring. And I know that I want need to change and do something different this time.
We're either going to answer those questions together, or not at all.
Ergo, I need to stop answering (trying to answer, wanting to answer) questions I'm hearing as, "How are YOU going to fix everything?" with answers that sound as if I genuinely believe it is MY responsibility alone to fix all the problems that got us here... including the ones that are not mine to own, or repair.
I'll work on my shit, he can work on his shit (or not, as he so chooses), and as a separate thing, WE would have to determine how WE want or expect things to be different in the future. Retreating to thinking in the "I want" is a big part of how I, at least, got here (probably both of us) in the first place. Thinking that's going to be how we also get out of here is just fucking delusional. Therefore, one of the things that will be different in future: I will stop letting guilt, fear, and shame back me into the corner of believing I alone must Fix All The Things.
What's mine is mine.
What's his is his.
What's ours is ours.
These are NOT all the same things.
[I transcribed this post from mental notes to paper yesterday morning, and to Semagic/LJ today; just before I started work today, the following Daily OM arrived in my inbox:
Daily OM: July 2, 2012
Ending the Cycle: Start Today
Each day offers us an opportunity to renew our resolve to the universe that we are ready for change.
One of the hardest things in life is feeling stuck in a situation that we don’t like and want to change. We may have exhausted ourselves trying to figure out how to make change, and we may even have given up. However, each day offers us an opportunity to renew our resolve and to declare to the universe that we are ready for change. We may even say out loud that we have tried and struggled and have not found a way, but that we are open to help, and that we intend to keep working to create change for ourselves. Making this declaration to the universe, and to ourselves, may be just the remedy for the stagnation we are experiencing. And, it can be done today, right now.
It is difficult to understand, even with hindsight, how the choices we have made have added up to our current situation, but it is a good idea to examine the story we tell ourselves. If we tend to regard ourselves as having failed, this will block our ability to allow ourselves to succeed. We have the power to change the story we tell ourselves by acknowledging that in the past, we did our best, and we exhibited many positive qualities, and had many fine moments on our path to the present moment. We can also recognize that we have learned from our experiences, and that this will help us with our current choices.
When we do this kind of work on how we view our past self, we make it possible for the future to be based on a positive self-assessment. This inner shift may allow us to get out of the cycle we’ve been in that’s been keeping us stuck. Now we can declare our intentions to the universe, knowing that we have done the inner work necessary to allow our lives to change. Allow today to be the day to end cycles and enter into a new way of being.
[S]omething I noted early Saturday morning as I was filling the tank for the day trip to Trillies: In April I filled the tank four times, once per week. With yesterday's fill, that made a total of EIGHT fills in June. If anyone is wondering where I do all the mental processing I've had to do in the past three weeks, apparently it's been in my car :-/
I logged a lot of time in the car this weekend (including the aborted attempt to get to Toronto through the 401 asshaberdashery Friday night).
I realized (finally) that I need to stop answering Matthew's questions about how the relationship would be different in the future, or how he might know or be able to tell things have changed. Firstly, things have already changed, and will always continue to change. It's what organic things do. But one of us cannot guarantee the other will notice, choose to see, or choose to value those changes as either of us might wish - after all, that's pretty much how we got to this point on the negative arm of that different notice/different value process. One or the other of us not noticing, or not equally valuing, decisions and actions from the other has been a common-enough occurrence across our relationship that to assume we can arbitrarily and completely stop doing so in future is not just folly, but possibly buying into a dangerously unrealistic expectation that sets us both up to fail spectacularly.
Secondly, I alone cannot change the RELATIONSHIP. I can and will only change myself. It takes two or more people for building or changing this kind of relationship, and I realized a couple of days ago that in attempting to process or respond to Matthew's questions about what will be different as my inner fears want to respond (placatingly, soothingly), I am committing a different kind of fatal error: buying into the theory that one person can do the work of TWO PEOPLE to define something that should not be defined by one alone. We allowed two people's distinct fears to to shape this relationship; it's going to take two people's interactive and interdeveloped vision to create something different.
I understand *why* Matthew's asking the questions and the reassurances he's seeking. I just want to find a better means of addressing them without setting myself up for some very unpleasant kinds of failure:
- If the only change definitions being proposed are mine, and he's not risking putting his own proposals on the table to join me in the work, he retains the Power Of Veto, to pick and choose or say Nay completely without putting himself overtly into a risky, vulnerable position with me. He can say no to every suggestion and keep sending me back to the drawing board indefinitely (depending on how long *I* choose to draw this out) to keep guessing at a "correct solution" and safely keep his emotional vulnerability to a tolerable minimum.
- It sets (or returns us to) a precedent of doing each other's homework, something we have worked diligently to move away from over the years.
- It cheats us of an opportunity to work collaboratively on both a general architectural process and the specific issue experiences.
Times past, I've asked the same questions that Matthew's asking, seeking the same reassurances, based in the same (or similar) fears, avoiding taking the same risks so I retained the same power of choice and control. I KNOW what this looks like from the flip-side. I know that I want to respond with the answers I think he wants to hear as a means of getting closer to what I want without necessarily looking authentically at what we're doing, the promises we're making, and the costs we're almost certainly ignoring. And I know that I want need to change and do something different this time.
We're either going to answer those questions together, or not at all.
Ergo, I need to stop answering (trying to answer, wanting to answer) questions I'm hearing as, "How are YOU going to fix everything?" with answers that sound as if I genuinely believe it is MY responsibility alone to fix all the problems that got us here... including the ones that are not mine to own, or repair.
I'll work on my shit, he can work on his shit (or not, as he so chooses), and as a separate thing, WE would have to determine how WE want or expect things to be different in the future. Retreating to thinking in the "I want" is a big part of how I, at least, got here (probably both of us) in the first place. Thinking that's going to be how we also get out of here is just fucking delusional. Therefore, one of the things that will be different in future: I will stop letting guilt, fear, and shame back me into the corner of believing I alone must Fix All The Things.
What's mine is mine.
What's his is his.
What's ours is ours.
These are NOT all the same things.
[I transcribed this post from mental notes to paper yesterday morning, and to Semagic/LJ today; just before I started work today, the following Daily OM arrived in my inbox:
Daily OM: July 2, 2012
Ending the Cycle: Start Today
Each day offers us an opportunity to renew our resolve to the universe that we are ready for change.
One of the hardest things in life is feeling stuck in a situation that we don’t like and want to change. We may have exhausted ourselves trying to figure out how to make change, and we may even have given up. However, each day offers us an opportunity to renew our resolve and to declare to the universe that we are ready for change. We may even say out loud that we have tried and struggled and have not found a way, but that we are open to help, and that we intend to keep working to create change for ourselves. Making this declaration to the universe, and to ourselves, may be just the remedy for the stagnation we are experiencing. And, it can be done today, right now.
It is difficult to understand, even with hindsight, how the choices we have made have added up to our current situation, but it is a good idea to examine the story we tell ourselves. If we tend to regard ourselves as having failed, this will block our ability to allow ourselves to succeed. We have the power to change the story we tell ourselves by acknowledging that in the past, we did our best, and we exhibited many positive qualities, and had many fine moments on our path to the present moment. We can also recognize that we have learned from our experiences, and that this will help us with our current choices.
When we do this kind of work on how we view our past self, we make it possible for the future to be based on a positive self-assessment. This inner shift may allow us to get out of the cycle we’ve been in that’s been keeping us stuck. Now we can declare our intentions to the universe, knowing that we have done the inner work necessary to allow our lives to change. Allow today to be the day to end cycles and enter into a new way of being.