[poly] hahahaha... *snerk*
the current polyamorous_mis article made me laugh out loud this morning.
it starts with, "Oh sure, I’m all for making sure you communicate with your partners, but it just doesn’t have to be some long and torturous ritual that goes on forever under the guise of “well, this must be what it’s like to be poly", and ends with "when other partners see how easy it is to do that, they start doing it, too." in between, there's a good summary of what i've been saying for years now about learning to understand the differences in one's Self between needs and wants (the article author refers to needs and preferences), but you know, as someone who has been deliberately (trying to) walking the self-aware poly walk for a long time now, i have to say the author's dismissive summary of just how easy it supposedly is to do that self-work and the communication of those identified needs and wants makes me snerk into my coffee. a lot. no really, a lot a lot.
the key to recognizing that the author, while well-intended, may be fooling himself into thinking what he's doing is easy, lies in his own words when he says, "It’s tricky, because I have to make sure that I stick to my actual words, and I have to release an interest in all parameters that I haven’t mentioned." tricky?? well, i suppose, in perhaps the same way that juggling flaming cocktails using only my arse cheeks is tricky. because, seriously, who is at all invested in having needs met they way they WANT them to be met rather than leaving methodology to someone else's interpretation? that NEVER happens. the devil is NEVER in the details. and after all, it's really easy to do the homework of knowing what your core needs are so that you can be willing to let go of methodology the moment the statement of need-meeting leaves your mouth, rather than micromanaging the achievement of those needs as a means of emotional self-defense. like the author then writes, "And if I miss something, it’s my own damn fault. I can mention it later, of course, but I have to realize that I’m bringing it to the table late, and act accordingly", because that late-notice NEVER causes tension and stress, which would certainly be easy to communicate and discuss towards solution even if it did, and "act accordingly" will NEVER mean potentially-opaque changes in relational actions or reactions in the period between realizing that your needs aren't being met as you want them to be met, and identifying the errant components, and (heaven forbid) communicating the issue and brainstorming solutions. because those realizations NEVER involve any kind of unconscious knee-jerk emotional reactions, and "act accordingly" certainly won't involve trying to steer one's partner(s) in-line with the internally-desired methodology as opposed to the externally-practised methodology.
and absolutely, communication in all of this process is NEVER going to be "some long and torturous ritual that goes on forever" (seemingly). oh no; that will never be how it goes, because it's always SO EASY to know what you need out of the box and communicate it so perfectly to someone living outside your head that the need-meeting will NEVER go awry in a flurry of micro-managed methodological SNAFUs. and absolutely, poly lovers ALWAYS learn easily from examples of effective behaviour and are falling over themselves in their efforts to change their ineffective interpretive ways to make your life better so that you don't have to communicate, communicate, communicate...
and did i mention, *snerk*.
because, really, it's SO EASY to get it all right all the time, that it's no small wonder that everyone's not doing it.
it starts with, "Oh sure, I’m all for making sure you communicate with your partners, but it just doesn’t have to be some long and torturous ritual that goes on forever under the guise of “well, this must be what it’s like to be poly", and ends with "when other partners see how easy it is to do that, they start doing it, too." in between, there's a good summary of what i've been saying for years now about learning to understand the differences in one's Self between needs and wants (the article author refers to needs and preferences), but you know, as someone who has been deliberately (trying to) walking the self-aware poly walk for a long time now, i have to say the author's dismissive summary of just how easy it supposedly is to do that self-work and the communication of those identified needs and wants makes me snerk into my coffee. a lot. no really, a lot a lot.
the key to recognizing that the author, while well-intended, may be fooling himself into thinking what he's doing is easy, lies in his own words when he says, "It’s tricky, because I have to make sure that I stick to my actual words, and I have to release an interest in all parameters that I haven’t mentioned." tricky?? well, i suppose, in perhaps the same way that juggling flaming cocktails using only my arse cheeks is tricky. because, seriously, who is at all invested in having needs met they way they WANT them to be met rather than leaving methodology to someone else's interpretation? that NEVER happens. the devil is NEVER in the details. and after all, it's really easy to do the homework of knowing what your core needs are so that you can be willing to let go of methodology the moment the statement of need-meeting leaves your mouth, rather than micromanaging the achievement of those needs as a means of emotional self-defense. like the author then writes, "And if I miss something, it’s my own damn fault. I can mention it later, of course, but I have to realize that I’m bringing it to the table late, and act accordingly", because that late-notice NEVER causes tension and stress, which would certainly be easy to communicate and discuss towards solution even if it did, and "act accordingly" will NEVER mean potentially-opaque changes in relational actions or reactions in the period between realizing that your needs aren't being met as you want them to be met, and identifying the errant components, and (heaven forbid) communicating the issue and brainstorming solutions. because those realizations NEVER involve any kind of unconscious knee-jerk emotional reactions, and "act accordingly" certainly won't involve trying to steer one's partner(s) in-line with the internally-desired methodology as opposed to the externally-practised methodology.
and absolutely, communication in all of this process is NEVER going to be "some long and torturous ritual that goes on forever" (seemingly). oh no; that will never be how it goes, because it's always SO EASY to know what you need out of the box and communicate it so perfectly to someone living outside your head that the need-meeting will NEVER go awry in a flurry of micro-managed methodological SNAFUs. and absolutely, poly lovers ALWAYS learn easily from examples of effective behaviour and are falling over themselves in their efforts to change their ineffective interpretive ways to make your life better so that you don't have to communicate, communicate, communicate...
and did i mention, *snerk*.
because, really, it's SO EASY to get it all right all the time, that it's no small wonder that everyone's not doing it.