[poly] Scylla and Charybdis, explained
behavioural patterns are coping mechanisms we develop for specific situations; they become patterns through repeated usage in recurring situations, or in situations that strongly resemble the original situations for which they developed. patterned behaviours start to become ineffective when we start applying them to situations which are increasingly dissimilar to the originating situations, in a "square peg, round hole" kind of way. we continue to resort to those patterned behaviours in part because they remain familiar even as they cease to be effective, and in part because when you've only got a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail (if only to justify using the only tool with which you are familiar, this being perceived as easier or simpler than learning to use new tools).
i hate being stymied by my own patterns when i encounter them head-on in unexpected places. oh, sure... *something* in my head obvious felt the situation warranted kicking the patterns into motion without necessarily looking in detail at the facts, and measuring the appropriateness of the patterns. that, my friends, is a purely self-preservationist survival tactic: protect the self first, ask questions after the dust settles, assuming you've left anyone alive to answer them.
i'm in a new situation, totally unfamiliar to me. and given that this is a relationship situation, i'm a little surprised first by the fact that it's a totally new one, second by the fact that the patterned responses kicked in before i realized it. but thankfully also soon enough for me to catch them and drag them by their short and curly weasel-hairs out into the light of day before anyone else is affected, or any damage is done.
here's the thing:
i've never been part of a couple dating the same person. and by "dating", i mean "deliberately developing an emotionally intimate and engaged, intending-to-be-long-term, sexual relationship". the closest i've come has been introducing my primary into an existing non-primary relationship, though that eventually went poorly on the second attempt (same non-primary, different primaries). so going jointly forward into an inclusive dating situation is a novel experience for which i have no guide posts. this would be frightening enough in its own right if the situation on my end weren't being complicated by those pesky self-defensive patterns. y'see, whenever my primary partner develops a relationship (casual or otherwise) with someone, i take a very hands-off attitude and a position of extreme non-involvement. i want to know that there *is* a relationship, i prefer knowing when the dates are happening, and beyond that, i neither need nor want to know *anything*. don't share juicy details, don't talk to me about how things are going, don't bring me the problems (unless it's something big enough to have repercussions on our primary relationship, in which case i expect my partner to deal with those issues so that i don't have to, because i prefer to stay out of that relationship until something provokes me to get involved... and as that's almost never going to be a good thing, my involvement at that point looks a lot like a Fist Of God).
so imagine the complexities of trying to battle down the self-protectionist, don't-wanna-know stance in the face of a relationship which includes both of us dating the same individual(s).
now stir into the pot an understanding that any ground i may gain now is going to be eroded by the necessity of being unavailable for *any* kind of relationship development over the ten months of the school year, plus another couple of months of a main-stage theatrical production next summer, and the unknowable constraints of probably being in an intern practicum next summer and fall...
...and perhaps you can get some sense of what it's like to feel my head exploding.
it's a hard thing freakishly difficult to effectively shape expectations now with my partner or new lovers when i know i won't be available for large periods of time when matthew *will* be available, and that no matter what anyone says now, ten months to a year from now when i maybe *can* raise my head again, the relationships as they appear to me now will NOT be the same, given the extra year they'll have had to develop without my active participation and inclusion. some may call this, "borrowing trouble"; i prefer to think of it as trying to be aware of the road ahead, given what very little i can see from here. and if there's one thing i learned from last year, it's how far i will withdraw during the school year. friends and current lovers have been plenty understanding, but that doesn't change the fundamental truth that a lot of things changed. the withdrawal cost me one relationship entirely, and in others i still haven't caught up to the level of comfortable intimacy i had before school started last fall.
i fall into a chasm, and things change. it is the way of the world. accepting the inevitability of change doesn't make me any better with accepting that fact in the face of the implications for new relationships just taking flight now. being practical and being mature are not mutually inclusive concepts, after all. but the invoked pattern is one of retreat - better to avoid the work entirely than to engage the relationship and spend the next year having to shoehorn it into my daily thinking as an afterthought, or muscling down the inevitable jealousy (it's inevitable; trust me on this one) that comes of knowing that matthew can reap all the interactive benefits of our supposedly-inclusive relationships when *i* cannot. it's equally likely that ten+ months from now when i am available, i'm going to have to rejoin the battle with those "disconnect from matthew's relationships" patterns, because after ten+ months of non-involvement, those relationships WILL feel more like "his" and less like "ours", and certainly not at all like "mine".
ergo i dog-paddle against the increasingly strong current in unfamiliar waters, trapped between the Scylla of my wants and the Charybdis of my whirling fears and insecurities (and all their attendant self-defensive coping mechanisms). matthew and i had a long talk last night about this, once i had the language to put it out between us. i'm so far out of my comfort zone here that i can't even see comfort any more from where i am. end result (of the current round of discussions, at least) is to continue as we have begun, and worry about the practical details of the relationship as they actively develop. the dialogue assuages none of my fears, but i gave up on yielding to my fears simply out of fear itself a long time ago; just being afraid of something is rarely now sufficient excuse to NOT do the thing.
and i hate being bettered by fear even more than i hate being bettered by my patterned behaviours.
cuz, y'know... if this was easy, everyone would be doin' it. right???
i hate being stymied by my own patterns when i encounter them head-on in unexpected places. oh, sure... *something* in my head obvious felt the situation warranted kicking the patterns into motion without necessarily looking in detail at the facts, and measuring the appropriateness of the patterns. that, my friends, is a purely self-preservationist survival tactic: protect the self first, ask questions after the dust settles, assuming you've left anyone alive to answer them.
i'm in a new situation, totally unfamiliar to me. and given that this is a relationship situation, i'm a little surprised first by the fact that it's a totally new one, second by the fact that the patterned responses kicked in before i realized it. but thankfully also soon enough for me to catch them and drag them by their short and curly weasel-hairs out into the light of day before anyone else is affected, or any damage is done.
here's the thing:
i've never been part of a couple dating the same person. and by "dating", i mean "deliberately developing an emotionally intimate and engaged, intending-to-be-long-term, sexual relationship". the closest i've come has been introducing my primary into an existing non-primary relationship, though that eventually went poorly on the second attempt (same non-primary, different primaries). so going jointly forward into an inclusive dating situation is a novel experience for which i have no guide posts. this would be frightening enough in its own right if the situation on my end weren't being complicated by those pesky self-defensive patterns. y'see, whenever my primary partner develops a relationship (casual or otherwise) with someone, i take a very hands-off attitude and a position of extreme non-involvement. i want to know that there *is* a relationship, i prefer knowing when the dates are happening, and beyond that, i neither need nor want to know *anything*. don't share juicy details, don't talk to me about how things are going, don't bring me the problems (unless it's something big enough to have repercussions on our primary relationship, in which case i expect my partner to deal with those issues so that i don't have to, because i prefer to stay out of that relationship until something provokes me to get involved... and as that's almost never going to be a good thing, my involvement at that point looks a lot like a Fist Of God).
so imagine the complexities of trying to battle down the self-protectionist, don't-wanna-know stance in the face of a relationship which includes both of us dating the same individual(s).
now stir into the pot an understanding that any ground i may gain now is going to be eroded by the necessity of being unavailable for *any* kind of relationship development over the ten months of the school year, plus another couple of months of a main-stage theatrical production next summer, and the unknowable constraints of probably being in an intern practicum next summer and fall...
...and perhaps you can get some sense of what it's like to feel my head exploding.
it's a hard thing freakishly difficult to effectively shape expectations now with my partner or new lovers when i know i won't be available for large periods of time when matthew *will* be available, and that no matter what anyone says now, ten months to a year from now when i maybe *can* raise my head again, the relationships as they appear to me now will NOT be the same, given the extra year they'll have had to develop without my active participation and inclusion. some may call this, "borrowing trouble"; i prefer to think of it as trying to be aware of the road ahead, given what very little i can see from here. and if there's one thing i learned from last year, it's how far i will withdraw during the school year. friends and current lovers have been plenty understanding, but that doesn't change the fundamental truth that a lot of things changed. the withdrawal cost me one relationship entirely, and in others i still haven't caught up to the level of comfortable intimacy i had before school started last fall.
i fall into a chasm, and things change. it is the way of the world. accepting the inevitability of change doesn't make me any better with accepting that fact in the face of the implications for new relationships just taking flight now. being practical and being mature are not mutually inclusive concepts, after all. but the invoked pattern is one of retreat - better to avoid the work entirely than to engage the relationship and spend the next year having to shoehorn it into my daily thinking as an afterthought, or muscling down the inevitable jealousy (it's inevitable; trust me on this one) that comes of knowing that matthew can reap all the interactive benefits of our supposedly-inclusive relationships when *i* cannot. it's equally likely that ten+ months from now when i am available, i'm going to have to rejoin the battle with those "disconnect from matthew's relationships" patterns, because after ten+ months of non-involvement, those relationships WILL feel more like "his" and less like "ours", and certainly not at all like "mine".
ergo i dog-paddle against the increasingly strong current in unfamiliar waters, trapped between the Scylla of my wants and the Charybdis of my whirling fears and insecurities (and all their attendant self-defensive coping mechanisms). matthew and i had a long talk last night about this, once i had the language to put it out between us. i'm so far out of my comfort zone here that i can't even see comfort any more from where i am. end result (of the current round of discussions, at least) is to continue as we have begun, and worry about the practical details of the relationship as they actively develop. the dialogue assuages none of my fears, but i gave up on yielding to my fears simply out of fear itself a long time ago; just being afraid of something is rarely now sufficient excuse to NOT do the thing.
and i hate being bettered by fear even more than i hate being bettered by my patterned behaviours.
cuz, y'know... if this was easy, everyone would be doin' it. right???