there will *always* be grey areas. there will always be things we haven't defined explicitly. there will always be moments of interpretation, and moments where, even if i consider matthew's needs for hours on end, i will not choose as he might have wished me to choose. those grey areas will not go away.
what i'm instead trying to do is understand more about why i choose to act the way i have been in those grey areas - in part so matthew has a better understanding of what i'm likely to do, and how i'm trying to evolve those behaviours, to shape his own expectations accordingly.
the more understanding we have, the easier it is to shape valid expectations that are closer to what we know to be "real", and the easier it is to deal with any emotional responses after the fact, should there be issues.
this isn't about hemming either one of us in with *more* walls, but rather understanding what it is we're actually trying to contain within the rules we've already tried to create, and why it's refusing to stay contained.
matthew's default method for dealing with the stress is to reach for consistent process and predictability, something he's been taught by his life and culture can be achieved by legislating something until your fears are contained by rules (of physics, of traffic, of relationships, etc). this is not my way. we're looking for a third option, some kind of collaborative compromise.
in part so matthew has a better understanding of what i'm likely to do, and how i'm trying to evolve those behaviours, to shape his own expectations accordingly
there will *always* be grey areas. there will always be things we haven't defined explicitly. there will always be moments of interpretation, and moments where, even if i consider matthew's needs for hours on end, i will not choose as he might have wished me to choose. those grey areas will not go away.
what i'm instead trying to do is understand more about why i choose to act the way i have been in those grey areas - in part so matthew has a better understanding of what i'm likely to do, and how i'm trying to evolve those behaviours, to shape his own expectations accordingly.
the more understanding we have, the easier it is to shape valid expectations that are closer to what we know to be "real", and the easier it is to deal with any emotional responses after the fact, should there be issues.
this isn't about hemming either one of us in with *more* walls, but rather understanding what it is we're actually trying to contain within the rules we've already tried to create, and why it's refusing to stay contained.
matthew's default method for dealing with the stress is to reach for consistent process and predictability, something he's been taught by his life and culture can be achieved by legislating something until your fears are contained by rules (of physics, of traffic, of relationships, etc). this is not my way. we're looking for a third option, some kind of collaborative compromise.
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and vice versa i assume?
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