(GT) Hello (again) Darkness My Old Friend...
*funny I've heard the Disturbed version - which is my favorite, actually - of that song at least 3 or 4 times on the radio this week*
When the only thing keeping you alive (other than the fact you're a coward) is that your kids (and grandbaby) need you, except that sends you into a whole different spiral of mom-guilt...
Thank the gods we have cats.
Especially Ash, the outdoor cat who has decided to keep us, who crawled on top of me while I was curled in the fetal position on the couch after he left to kneed my side purring, until I could breathe again.
A year in, and it never gets easier.
And I'm still not okay. Not at all. Not even a teensy tiny bit.
But...
I am breathing again.
I have homework due tonight I need to work on.
I am picking up my daughter at 10 am to help her reset after an overwhelming week.
I have a work meeting tonight.
I work Thursday and Friday nights.
I have more homework due by Sunday, that I can work on Saturday until he comes home (wheneverthehell he decides to get on the road home, at this point I know savoring every possible moment away trumps heading home as early as I need him here) or I give up and fall over.
I have plenty to distract me from the black hole in my soul threatening to suck the life out of me.
(And no, meeting her didn't help...as much as I like her. Because of course I would, we have the same taste in women. Dammit. Zon was right. What the fuck is he doing with me? Oh wait, that's right. I'm the safe space to land. So what he's given our sex life to someone else. That's not why he's here anyway. Hasn't been for a very very long time.)
What I WANT to say is, "Ya know, the guy I met 10 years ago (the guy who is currently driving 9 hours to Virginia, the guy who gave her her sex life back, and once long ago did the same for me) would say 'Okay, that one thing is off limits for you right now, so let's explore the zillions of other things that aren't and see what works?' The guy who barely drinks, and stays sober when he is away so she can feel safe for BDSM, can't stay sober for one date night with me in between his visits with her, so he isn't clumsy and forgetful and immediately does exactly the thing that shuts me down, even after all the times we've talked about it."
I know. Part of my brain is already arguing that that isn't really fair.
But it's doesn't change the fact that it's the truth.
And I grow weary of saying the same thing every month, month after month.
It's been a year, and despite me taking estrogen, getting new teeth to at least deal with that confidence-killer, doing the internal work and taking responsibility for changing MY end of things, and talking over and over and over...
Nothing at home has changed.
Sure, we have sex every night, and I NEED that connection (and I'm the only one sleeping alone the next 4 days, with no sex, and we all know we both get cranky just skipping ONE day...but of course, HE won't be skipping anything with 4 days of kink to look forward to at the end of his 9 hour drive).
But yeah.
Feeling desired. Having someone willing to take the time to see if maybe, possibly, I might actually have an orgasm (which I can't even do masturbating most of the time anymore, certainly not while he's away, its far too depressing).
I don't even remember what is IN the black bag he just drove away with.
I haven't seen the inside in at least 5 years.
But sure.
He'll miss me.
Uh huh.
It's okay.
I'll be functional and get on with the stuff I need to do eventually (probably as soon as I hit save and post).
Just needed to wallow for a minute.
When the only thing keeping you alive (other than the fact you're a coward) is that your kids (and grandbaby) need you, except that sends you into a whole different spiral of mom-guilt...
Thank the gods we have cats.
Especially Ash, the outdoor cat who has decided to keep us, who crawled on top of me while I was curled in the fetal position on the couch after he left to kneed my side purring, until I could breathe again.
A year in, and it never gets easier.
And I'm still not okay. Not at all. Not even a teensy tiny bit.
But...
I am breathing again.
I have homework due tonight I need to work on.
I am picking up my daughter at 10 am to help her reset after an overwhelming week.
I have a work meeting tonight.
I work Thursday and Friday nights.
I have more homework due by Sunday, that I can work on Saturday until he comes home (wheneverthehell he decides to get on the road home, at this point I know savoring every possible moment away trumps heading home as early as I need him here) or I give up and fall over.
I have plenty to distract me from the black hole in my soul threatening to suck the life out of me.
(And no, meeting her didn't help...as much as I like her. Because of course I would, we have the same taste in women. Dammit. Zon was right. What the fuck is he doing with me? Oh wait, that's right. I'm the safe space to land. So what he's given our sex life to someone else. That's not why he's here anyway. Hasn't been for a very very long time.)
What I WANT to say is, "Ya know, the guy I met 10 years ago (the guy who is currently driving 9 hours to Virginia, the guy who gave her her sex life back, and once long ago did the same for me) would say 'Okay, that one thing is off limits for you right now, so let's explore the zillions of other things that aren't and see what works?' The guy who barely drinks, and stays sober when he is away so she can feel safe for BDSM, can't stay sober for one date night with me in between his visits with her, so he isn't clumsy and forgetful and immediately does exactly the thing that shuts me down, even after all the times we've talked about it."
I know. Part of my brain is already arguing that that isn't really fair.
But it's doesn't change the fact that it's the truth.
And I grow weary of saying the same thing every month, month after month.
It's been a year, and despite me taking estrogen, getting new teeth to at least deal with that confidence-killer, doing the internal work and taking responsibility for changing MY end of things, and talking over and over and over...
Nothing at home has changed.
Sure, we have sex every night, and I NEED that connection (and I'm the only one sleeping alone the next 4 days, with no sex, and we all know we both get cranky just skipping ONE day...but of course, HE won't be skipping anything with 4 days of kink to look forward to at the end of his 9 hour drive).
But yeah.
Feeling desired. Having someone willing to take the time to see if maybe, possibly, I might actually have an orgasm (which I can't even do masturbating most of the time anymore, certainly not while he's away, its far too depressing).
I don't even remember what is IN the black bag he just drove away with.
I haven't seen the inside in at least 5 years.
But sure.
He'll miss me.
Uh huh.
It's okay.
I'll be functional and get on with the stuff I need to do eventually (probably as soon as I hit save and post).
Just needed to wallow for a minute.