(GT) An Apology and "Apostrophe" in the same post
First of all, for those who haven't just skipped over my whangsty posts over the past few months, thanks for your indulgence, your patience, for listening and for caring. I apologize if my using this forum for venting has been hard to listen to. I know it gets old (trust me, it gets old in here too, and you only get the tip of the iceberg, promise, you wouldn't want to be in my head).
The mate and I had a good talk, while I had a good cry after he got home. And I'm not sure what actually flipped the switch in my head, but I had a revelation that's been somewhat life changing.
It was all in my head.
(I know, duh, right? *sighs* Sometimes it takes me a minute)
Somewhere I got lost in being super sensitive emotionally, not just physically, and started "keeping tabs" of every time the mate did something "wrong" or didn't seem to listen. And then assumed that I "took too long" and he was frustrated trying with me anymore, so he'd moved on to someone who was easy and all the good stuff was going to them now. I just got half-hearted crumbs. That the guy I met 11 years ago would have taken my inability to be touched in certain places as a challenge to find other ways to get me off, not be solely focused on "fixing me so he could touch me there" because he felt rejected. I have felt like I was doing it all wrong and he'd given up on me, because (in retrospect) he couldn't read my mind.
But it wasn't him. It was ME, feeling like I had to "fix me," feeling like I had failed him - he was just waiting for me to be willing to TRY anything else, being supportive and not pushy (because he didn't want me to feel exactly how I'd made myself feel).
The moment that switch flipped, it's all changed. The moment I realized I was living like my expectations and fears were real, without actually fact-checking myself, I was able to take a deep breath and let him touch me.
And he WASN'T in a hurry. And he WASN'T frustrated or bored or annoyed with me. He was patient, and connected, and *there* in ways I haven't felt in years. (Yeah, years...sometimes it takes me a lot more than a minute.)
And the days between 12 hour shifts? When I knew I was really too tired to expect my body to do much more than sleep? He understood (and our "quickies" are still pretty stellar in my book, those never stopped, I just started thinking I was only "good for a quickie" and not worth taking time with).
For someone whose ability to orgasm with *masturbation* is a spotty trick at best lately, having an orgasm with someone else feels like a miracle. Especially when it's not just once, and then back to the same old same old. Like I said, it's like a switch flipped, and suddenly I could see the whole room, not just what was in front of my own nose.
Perspective.
Sometimes it makes all the difference in the world.
The mate and I had a good talk, while I had a good cry after he got home. And I'm not sure what actually flipped the switch in my head, but I had a revelation that's been somewhat life changing.
It was all in my head.
(I know, duh, right? *sighs* Sometimes it takes me a minute)
Somewhere I got lost in being super sensitive emotionally, not just physically, and started "keeping tabs" of every time the mate did something "wrong" or didn't seem to listen. And then assumed that I "took too long" and he was frustrated trying with me anymore, so he'd moved on to someone who was easy and all the good stuff was going to them now. I just got half-hearted crumbs. That the guy I met 11 years ago would have taken my inability to be touched in certain places as a challenge to find other ways to get me off, not be solely focused on "fixing me so he could touch me there" because he felt rejected. I have felt like I was doing it all wrong and he'd given up on me, because (in retrospect) he couldn't read my mind.
But it wasn't him. It was ME, feeling like I had to "fix me," feeling like I had failed him - he was just waiting for me to be willing to TRY anything else, being supportive and not pushy (because he didn't want me to feel exactly how I'd made myself feel).
The moment that switch flipped, it's all changed. The moment I realized I was living like my expectations and fears were real, without actually fact-checking myself, I was able to take a deep breath and let him touch me.
And he WASN'T in a hurry. And he WASN'T frustrated or bored or annoyed with me. He was patient, and connected, and *there* in ways I haven't felt in years. (Yeah, years...sometimes it takes me a lot more than a minute.)
And the days between 12 hour shifts? When I knew I was really too tired to expect my body to do much more than sleep? He understood (and our "quickies" are still pretty stellar in my book, those never stopped, I just started thinking I was only "good for a quickie" and not worth taking time with).
For someone whose ability to orgasm with *masturbation* is a spotty trick at best lately, having an orgasm with someone else feels like a miracle. Especially when it's not just once, and then back to the same old same old. Like I said, it's like a switch flipped, and suddenly I could see the whole room, not just what was in front of my own nose.
Perspective.
Sometimes it makes all the difference in the world.