Grief's Advance Party
Title: Grief's Advance Party
Characters: Jack (mention of Ianto)
Rating: nothing offensive, adult emotions
Summary: Jack mourns for Ianto
The title is from a quote by Forrest Church: “Love another with all our heart and we place our hearts in jeopardy …
“ We do not and cannot possess the ones we love for we hold them on loan. This hard truth makes the courage to love also the courage to lose. Love is grief’s advance party.”
There is a planet, in the Vespa Galaxy, where no one lives.
There are trees and lakes and beautiful birds, but no sentient being of any kind lives there. Geothermal probes show the remnants of buildings, buried under eons of earth and rock and oceans, so some kind of beings lived there at one time, but no one knows who or what they were. There is no mention of them anywhere, not even in the vaunted archives of Elspess, or in the legendary lost library of Gallifrey. No one, in all the planets in all the galaxies in all the known universes know what they called themselves, what their language was, what they looked like. No know knows why they disappeared.
And yet, the planet is a peaceful place, second from a small gentle sun, perpetually warm with gentle breezes.
It is a place where no one lives, but a place where people visit, for the long-ago inhabitants left behind a legacy as unfathomable as the monoliths on Wehgatt or the giant statues on the dark side of Juras’ seventh moon. There are plaques, millions of them, found on every continent of the planet. They are bright as the full moon, yet translucent, and rest on waist-high poles that shine like the stars The plaques turn slowly during the day, following the sun, and at night glow as if lit by candles.
And though the plaques were blank when first discovered - or maybe covered with invisible words, or maybe the plaques themselves were the language - a use was found for them.
It was the scholar-priests of Janaurra who first hypothesized the plaques were memorials to the dead.
And it was the Janaurrans who suggested that using the plaques as memorials to those who died in this time would be a way of remembering the planets’ long vanished people.
The Council of Planets agreed, and Janaurra was given the responsibility of caretaker in perpetua.
Anyone can ask that they be allowed use of a plaque, but few, over the hundreds of years, have been granted the privilege.
To be chosen is considered an honor to both the living and the dead…
The talk dark-haired man stood silently as the worker etched the last words onto the plaque. He stayed motionless after the worker left, then squared his shoulders and moved toward the plaque, his steps broken and slow.
Jack, who prided himself on having a story for every situation, who was known for never using one word when twelve would do, was speechless, the words caught in his throat, suffocating him the way the dirt had when -
He sat on the ground heavily, his back against the pole because he didn’t think he could stay upright without its support.
Breathe, he thought, breathe, remembering Ianto quietly and firmly saying those words to him, holding his hands till the panic attack subsided.
Ianto always was the stronger of us, Jack thought.
He tilted his head to the sky. “You’d like it here, Ianto. Reminds me of Wales. Well, except for the lack of rain and cold, and of a couple million Welshmen who believe stubbornness is a positive personality trait.”
Jack grinned. Even dead, Ianto must be roll shaking his head and raising one snarky eyebrow at that. “Alright, so it’s nothing like Wales. You’d still like it.”
He ran his hand through the grass. “I’ve been traveling since I left earth. No, I’m not running away…” He paused and considered his words “… I am running away. But you’d approve of how I’m running. I’m trying to do some good. I worked on a hospital ship. Picture me as an orderly. Yeah, I knew you’d find that funny.”
… I should have insisted on a rota for cleaning out the cells. I should have -
He clenched his jaw. Deep breaths, deep breaths.
“I worked as a guard at a Brilixxian refugee camp. Kids everywhere. I’d forgotten how much trouble a kid with tentacles can get into to. Yeah, I said tentacles. They liked to hug, too. Sometimes I felt like I was stuck inside a stack of inner tubes.”
Jack watched the sun slip below the horizon.
“I loved watching the stars with you. I loved being with you. I should have told you that more often.”
“I should have told you I love you. Neither of us was good at that, were we? Till it was too late.”
It was dark now, and moonless, the only light the soft glow of the plaques. Beauty and grief, Jack thought.
Ianto had been equal parts beauty and grief.
“Your sister got the insurance money. They moved out of the estate. You never stop taking care of people you love, do you?”
You always took care of me, Even when I didn’t deserve it.
Why do I have to go on without you?
How can I go on without you?
He could hear the water of the bay lapping against the stony shore, could hear a bird in the distance. Night noises.
“Remember when we had a picnic on the roof of that school? And we both fell asleep and I rolled over and damn near fell off?”
When the sun rose that dawn, they were still laughing.
He wasn’t sure he remembered how to laugh.
“I don’t sleep at all any more. The nightmares have come back” With a whole group of new night terrors added to the mix till sleeping was like descending into hell.
God, he missed sleeping, missed sleeping with Ianto beside him, Ianto holding him till the trembling stopped when the nightmares woke him, Ianto kissing the tears away when the fear and sorrow became too much.
And never letting the rest of the team know he wasn’t really the strong and cocky leader they thought he was.
“Tell you a secret? I’d have let the whole world die to keep you alive. You’re worth more than all them combined.”
And wouldn’t Ianto have rolled his eyes at that.
“It ‘s true.”
The sun was rising, all glorious reds and corals.
There shouldn’t be such colours in the world any more.
“I don’t know what you saw in me. How did you find anything in me to love?”
I … got you killed.
“It wasn’t worth it, Ianto. All the good Torchwood did, I’d take it all back to have you with me again.”
Then sun was up now, not a cloud in the sky. It was going to be a beautiful day.
It should have been raining.
Jack stood up and gently ghosted his finger over the plaque. Then he walked away.
And behind him, in the sunlight, the words etched on Ianto’s memorial shone as bright as a shooting star.
Ianto Jones
Earth
He mattered
He will not be forgotten
.
Characters: Jack (mention of Ianto)
Rating: nothing offensive, adult emotions
Summary: Jack mourns for Ianto
The title is from a quote by Forrest Church: “Love another with all our heart and we place our hearts in jeopardy …
“ We do not and cannot possess the ones we love for we hold them on loan. This hard truth makes the courage to love also the courage to lose. Love is grief’s advance party.”
There is a planet, in the Vespa Galaxy, where no one lives.
There are trees and lakes and beautiful birds, but no sentient being of any kind lives there. Geothermal probes show the remnants of buildings, buried under eons of earth and rock and oceans, so some kind of beings lived there at one time, but no one knows who or what they were. There is no mention of them anywhere, not even in the vaunted archives of Elspess, or in the legendary lost library of Gallifrey. No one, in all the planets in all the galaxies in all the known universes know what they called themselves, what their language was, what they looked like. No know knows why they disappeared.
And yet, the planet is a peaceful place, second from a small gentle sun, perpetually warm with gentle breezes.
It is a place where no one lives, but a place where people visit, for the long-ago inhabitants left behind a legacy as unfathomable as the monoliths on Wehgatt or the giant statues on the dark side of Juras’ seventh moon. There are plaques, millions of them, found on every continent of the planet. They are bright as the full moon, yet translucent, and rest on waist-high poles that shine like the stars The plaques turn slowly during the day, following the sun, and at night glow as if lit by candles.
And though the plaques were blank when first discovered - or maybe covered with invisible words, or maybe the plaques themselves were the language - a use was found for them.
It was the scholar-priests of Janaurra who first hypothesized the plaques were memorials to the dead.
And it was the Janaurrans who suggested that using the plaques as memorials to those who died in this time would be a way of remembering the planets’ long vanished people.
The Council of Planets agreed, and Janaurra was given the responsibility of caretaker in perpetua.
Anyone can ask that they be allowed use of a plaque, but few, over the hundreds of years, have been granted the privilege.
To be chosen is considered an honor to both the living and the dead…
The talk dark-haired man stood silently as the worker etched the last words onto the plaque. He stayed motionless after the worker left, then squared his shoulders and moved toward the plaque, his steps broken and slow.
Jack, who prided himself on having a story for every situation, who was known for never using one word when twelve would do, was speechless, the words caught in his throat, suffocating him the way the dirt had when -
He sat on the ground heavily, his back against the pole because he didn’t think he could stay upright without its support.
Breathe, he thought, breathe, remembering Ianto quietly and firmly saying those words to him, holding his hands till the panic attack subsided.
Ianto always was the stronger of us, Jack thought.
He tilted his head to the sky. “You’d like it here, Ianto. Reminds me of Wales. Well, except for the lack of rain and cold, and of a couple million Welshmen who believe stubbornness is a positive personality trait.”
Jack grinned. Even dead, Ianto must be roll shaking his head and raising one snarky eyebrow at that. “Alright, so it’s nothing like Wales. You’d still like it.”
He ran his hand through the grass. “I’ve been traveling since I left earth. No, I’m not running away…” He paused and considered his words “… I am running away. But you’d approve of how I’m running. I’m trying to do some good. I worked on a hospital ship. Picture me as an orderly. Yeah, I knew you’d find that funny.”
… I should have insisted on a rota for cleaning out the cells. I should have -
He clenched his jaw. Deep breaths, deep breaths.
“I worked as a guard at a Brilixxian refugee camp. Kids everywhere. I’d forgotten how much trouble a kid with tentacles can get into to. Yeah, I said tentacles. They liked to hug, too. Sometimes I felt like I was stuck inside a stack of inner tubes.”
Jack watched the sun slip below the horizon.
“I loved watching the stars with you. I loved being with you. I should have told you that more often.”
“I should have told you I love you. Neither of us was good at that, were we? Till it was too late.”
It was dark now, and moonless, the only light the soft glow of the plaques. Beauty and grief, Jack thought.
Ianto had been equal parts beauty and grief.
“Your sister got the insurance money. They moved out of the estate. You never stop taking care of people you love, do you?”
You always took care of me, Even when I didn’t deserve it.
Why do I have to go on without you?
How can I go on without you?
He could hear the water of the bay lapping against the stony shore, could hear a bird in the distance. Night noises.
“Remember when we had a picnic on the roof of that school? And we both fell asleep and I rolled over and damn near fell off?”
When the sun rose that dawn, they were still laughing.
He wasn’t sure he remembered how to laugh.
“I don’t sleep at all any more. The nightmares have come back” With a whole group of new night terrors added to the mix till sleeping was like descending into hell.
God, he missed sleeping, missed sleeping with Ianto beside him, Ianto holding him till the trembling stopped when the nightmares woke him, Ianto kissing the tears away when the fear and sorrow became too much.
And never letting the rest of the team know he wasn’t really the strong and cocky leader they thought he was.
“Tell you a secret? I’d have let the whole world die to keep you alive. You’re worth more than all them combined.”
And wouldn’t Ianto have rolled his eyes at that.
“It ‘s true.”
The sun was rising, all glorious reds and corals.
There shouldn’t be such colours in the world any more.
“I don’t know what you saw in me. How did you find anything in me to love?”
I … got you killed.
“It wasn’t worth it, Ianto. All the good Torchwood did, I’d take it all back to have you with me again.”
Then sun was up now, not a cloud in the sky. It was going to be a beautiful day.
It should have been raining.
Jack stood up and gently ghosted his finger over the plaque. Then he walked away.
And behind him, in the sunlight, the words etched on Ianto’s memorial shone as bright as a shooting star.
Ianto Jones
Earth
He mattered
He will not be forgotten
.