lines bleed
i came home about an hour ago and went straight up to my room even though my mom was still getting ready for work. i just didnt feel like talking to ANYONE and wanted to keep my mind focused. on what....i dont quite know.
my moms worried, and to be quite frank she should be. i am scared. i dont want to hurt myself, or anyone else. i am so misserable i honestly dont know what to do. my mom sees me like this and she says that she is sorry and she wishes there was somthing she could do. but guess what, she cant. thees nothing she can do....cause I bring this upon myself. no one forces all the shit that bugs me, upon me. i have made my life this shitty darkness that i am continuously trying to ecscape.
the mornings shittyness started off this way but by all means has nothing to actually do with zack. its just really hard for me right now and i dont think he is understanding that. i have always been the one to take care of my boyfriend, be there to hold him, comfort him, and pretty much bend over backwards if there is ANYTHING he needs. and i am sick of not getting anything in return. zack has other things to do then worry about me, i understand. but i am just miserable right now and i need someone...i need my boyfriend. so i woke up this morning and after we fooled around for a couple of minutes he got up and got ready for school. i braught up the topic of me staying over this weekend and he rather me not. hes gonna have band practice and have dale over and...wanted me to go home today. so i went. i know i take this waaaaaaaaay too far. its hard though. i hate being home, i hate my l;ife and the only time im okay is when im with zack. i think he is annoyed by me.
i come on here every day writing the same bullshit. seriously though. no one wants to fucking deal with me anymore. im lame to be around cause im constantly depressed but im constantly depressed cause i feel like no one wants to be around me. i hate feeling like this. but i dont blame um, i wouldnt want to be around me either. i hate who i have become. someone that i have no respect for and whop has no respect for herself.
im gonna go and sit on my ass and dream about ACTUALLY comitting suicide. and how much better things would all be. see, i think thats what people tend to miss, what would be best for ALL in a situation like this. you guys all act like im a psycho and "how could i" but seriously look at me.
i am absolutely miserable and have been for so long. no matter the medication they have me on or the people they make me pay to talk to im going to be like this. and YOu guys have said plenty of times that your sick and tired of dealing with this. from my trips to the hospital to my little downs...its all the same. you guys know that you'd miss me at first but everyone would move on, just like they always do.
i dont want to be a part of anyones life any longer. its too miserable, gettingset up for dissapointment...im done with it.
ive written a lot of letters pertaining to my desire to commit suicide and none of them have been read. they are all in a shoe box in the garage somewhare. and i know this one will fail to be read. but this is the last one. i am dying a slow and extremely painful death and the worst part, its alone. people i thougt could understand me and would be by myside no matter what, they are nowhare to be found...this thing you all call "life" might not end in the next few hours. but i promise. i am killing myself, slowly but surely my body will give in and death will fall upon my eyes. when that day comes ill be at peace. peace with you all with myself and peace with eternity.
just listen....
all i see. are dark gray clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour.
so when you ask, is somthing wrong?
i say "you're dam right there is but we cant talk about it now."
no, we cant talk about it now.
so one last touch. and then you'll go.
and we'll pretend it meant somthing so much more.
but it was vile. it was cheap.
yeah, you are beautiful but you dont mean a thing to me.
yeah, you are beautiful but you dont mean a thing to me...
i know that was written for me. it screams the reality that i know but dont want to face. i will go on....it might just be in an alternate form....
ill always be with you.
i love you all.
peace & [always] love.
<3