Ok
"Ok" it can mean so much and so little. We toss it around absentmindedly and use it as a deliberate lie to to cover the truth because that's what everyone expects. I have gotten very good at it. I've had a lifetime to perfect and make believable "I'm ok".
I really did feel ok yesterday but not so much this evening. I intellectually know I am not alone and that many people care and are in my corner. Yet, I feel this stinging painful ache that the person who was always my biggest fan, my biggest cheerleader is gone.
It is so strange to comprehend that I don't have a Mom anymore. Who will I call now when I need my Mom? When I need those words of encouragement from the person who always loved me the most? Who never judged and always gave that love unconditionally?
I do know from past tragedy and trauma that time heals all wounds or at least the scar tissue gets thick enough to create a barrier from it most of the time. And I do know that happy memories of her will overshadow the last days of her suffering. But... at the moment I want what I can't have, I want my Mom back and that can't happen. I want to not feel this strange and illogical loneliness.
I want to kick the crap out of my brother for his abominable treatment of her these last 2 years. I feel guilty, like I should have or could have done more to get her away from him sooner. God knows we tried. Me, my sister, my uncle, we all tried to get her away from him but she was stubborn because she was afraid of him. Afraid of his rage, afraid that his constant threats of suicide if she left him would happen and she couldn't live with that. But did we try hard enough? Did I do enough?
In the end I will be "ok" I have to be, I don't have a choice. I just hope the real ok comes sooner rather than later.
I really did feel ok yesterday but not so much this evening. I intellectually know I am not alone and that many people care and are in my corner. Yet, I feel this stinging painful ache that the person who was always my biggest fan, my biggest cheerleader is gone.
It is so strange to comprehend that I don't have a Mom anymore. Who will I call now when I need my Mom? When I need those words of encouragement from the person who always loved me the most? Who never judged and always gave that love unconditionally?
I do know from past tragedy and trauma that time heals all wounds or at least the scar tissue gets thick enough to create a barrier from it most of the time. And I do know that happy memories of her will overshadow the last days of her suffering. But... at the moment I want what I can't have, I want my Mom back and that can't happen. I want to not feel this strange and illogical loneliness.
I want to kick the crap out of my brother for his abominable treatment of her these last 2 years. I feel guilty, like I should have or could have done more to get her away from him sooner. God knows we tried. Me, my sister, my uncle, we all tried to get her away from him but she was stubborn because she was afraid of him. Afraid of his rage, afraid that his constant threats of suicide if she left him would happen and she couldn't live with that. But did we try hard enough? Did I do enough?
In the end I will be "ok" I have to be, I don't have a choice. I just hope the real ok comes sooner rather than later.