no subject
back on the journal... guess this means something is amiss.
So today I had sort of a weird epiphany. I should have been enjoying my Sunday, as its one of the rare days I get to spend with my mom. But instead, I sat in turmoil, worrying over whether Abby was screening me or avoiding talking to me. Now that it's later on in the day, I have realized that although she wasn't avoiding me, a much larger and important issue has surfaced which I feel could be disastrous later on.
I have actually heard her mention this problem before. Her family has exponentially more financial resources than mine, and the issue at hand is she feels discriminated against because her wealthy parents won't send her on an expensive trip to a foreign country for her birthday, but they have given the same gifts to her sisters.
This bothers me on multiple levels, primarily because a trip to a foreign country is so much more expensive than anything my family could afford that it wouldn't even qualify as a reward for making it through the year, and yet she considers such an expensive and high-class endeavor as worth a birthday gift? Regardless of whether she receives the trip or not, I can't shake this idea of someone who wants a Mercedes from their parents because their siblings all got a Mercedes, and this person only got a Nissan. Yes its a lower grade of car.... but its a fucking car. I couldn't even dream in a million years of receiving, let alone ASKING for that sort of gift from my mom.
Another reason this bothers me, is that every time Abby mentions this, she is devaluing me. She keeps telling me its work related stress, but I notice a pattern to this behavior. It always leads to the inevitable statement of her desire to move away purely because she hates living here. And there is absolutely no mention of my standing in her intercontinental affairs. Sometimes, no rather, ALL OF THE TIME, I get the feeling that, if offered, she would take a one way ticket out of town and leave me in the dust. Looking out for number 1, as they would say. Which is understandable. But it puts me in my place. I grit my teeth hard and feel a deep pit of despair and sadness at this revelation, but its a real eye opener.
The overarching theme of this post is: I am terrified that Abby is going to break up with me, and the forces at work are out of my control. Like a whirlwind jackpot, it will leave me almost as fast as it found me.
I am surprised my eyes are watering because of this. More than fear, I feel a burning sense of anger and helplessness. And cynicism. As if I didn't predict I would again be the one to be dumped. Because I am the worthless boyfriend; the non-rich asshole who can't give a woman everything she desires. I just want to ball up and crawl away from my own being. And I pray I've misread the situation. I love Abby so much ... she is the most compatible and amazing woman I've met. But I fear that the path may be coming to an end... I fear she no longer loves me and is hiding it from me.
I am not okay.
So today I had sort of a weird epiphany. I should have been enjoying my Sunday, as its one of the rare days I get to spend with my mom. But instead, I sat in turmoil, worrying over whether Abby was screening me or avoiding talking to me. Now that it's later on in the day, I have realized that although she wasn't avoiding me, a much larger and important issue has surfaced which I feel could be disastrous later on.
I have actually heard her mention this problem before. Her family has exponentially more financial resources than mine, and the issue at hand is she feels discriminated against because her wealthy parents won't send her on an expensive trip to a foreign country for her birthday, but they have given the same gifts to her sisters.
This bothers me on multiple levels, primarily because a trip to a foreign country is so much more expensive than anything my family could afford that it wouldn't even qualify as a reward for making it through the year, and yet she considers such an expensive and high-class endeavor as worth a birthday gift? Regardless of whether she receives the trip or not, I can't shake this idea of someone who wants a Mercedes from their parents because their siblings all got a Mercedes, and this person only got a Nissan. Yes its a lower grade of car.... but its a fucking car. I couldn't even dream in a million years of receiving, let alone ASKING for that sort of gift from my mom.
Another reason this bothers me, is that every time Abby mentions this, she is devaluing me. She keeps telling me its work related stress, but I notice a pattern to this behavior. It always leads to the inevitable statement of her desire to move away purely because she hates living here. And there is absolutely no mention of my standing in her intercontinental affairs. Sometimes, no rather, ALL OF THE TIME, I get the feeling that, if offered, she would take a one way ticket out of town and leave me in the dust. Looking out for number 1, as they would say. Which is understandable. But it puts me in my place. I grit my teeth hard and feel a deep pit of despair and sadness at this revelation, but its a real eye opener.
The overarching theme of this post is: I am terrified that Abby is going to break up with me, and the forces at work are out of my control. Like a whirlwind jackpot, it will leave me almost as fast as it found me.
I am surprised my eyes are watering because of this. More than fear, I feel a burning sense of anger and helplessness. And cynicism. As if I didn't predict I would again be the one to be dumped. Because I am the worthless boyfriend; the non-rich asshole who can't give a woman everything she desires. I just want to ball up and crawl away from my own being. And I pray I've misread the situation. I love Abby so much ... she is the most compatible and amazing woman I've met. But I fear that the path may be coming to an end... I fear she no longer loves me and is hiding it from me.
I am not okay.