Just the beginning...
and so it begins.....
My pool of my mind always seems to be constantly full of swimming thoughts and fantasies. Realizing, just recently, the toll it's taking on me by keeping them all inside, I've decided to put them down online, little by little. For now... my most recent thoughts.
Talking to myself
Lately life has been simple. So much so that it's become painful. Every monday, tuesday, and wednesday I go to my college classes and spend any remaining time at home simply wasting away. I usually spend my thursday's with a few of my friends, but even that time plagues my mind even further. I just always feel like I'm not doing anything, like it's all a waste, and now I sound like an emo piece of crap. That in itself only annoys me further. I shouldn't be like this. I have envisioned my future, and I see the path before me. I want to take the steps necessary to reach my goal, but something stops me. I'm not sure what it is. I have nothing holding me back. No financial issues, no barriers in my way or problems with the education system, there's nothing holding me back, and yet... I can't take that step forward. I want it, more than anything. It would make my parents proud, secure my future, and help me realize my dream. Still, there's something keeping me chained down. Perhaps my life has become to monotonous, maybe I just want something to break the binds of repitition. Maybe what I want is companionship. Not that of just friends, but of someone special that would always be by my side. Perhaps I want to conform and join the community my friends seem to have joined. Perhaps I want to be one part of a couple. It's all rather annoying just thinking about it. I've been single for two years, and while I've wanted to be in a relationship many times throughout these years, it's never been so bad as to plague my mind in such a way.
Now I think on the matter further. Perhaps it is not a girlfriend I want. Maybe I just want people to know me. To know I exist, and to peek into my mind. Maybe, just maybe, I want my thoughts to be heard, read, appreciated. I have been the "therapist" "adviser" and "counselar" of many a friend. Helping them in many different times of needs. Hearing them in their times of trouble. Through times of break up, whether it be the friend himself or his parents, through feelings of confusion, through feelings of despair, I have sat through them all. I consoled, I comforted, but more than anything, I listened. I suppose it is what I seek more than anything else. To be the patient rather than the doctor. To tell rather than listen. Many people say they find comfort in having a companion they can tell everything to. I happen to be that companion to my friends, unfortunately I have no such person for myself. One that can truly understand my thoughts and feelings. Maybe that is why I am so lonely. It is perhaps the reason why I want a girlfriend so much. To have someone so near that you can share everything with them would be a truly great gift. Until I find this person I long after, I'm afraid I'll have to relieve the pressure of my mind to any who read this. I thank you if you actually care so much as to read this far. I'm sure my thoughts have become quite boring to most, but I have theories and self analyzing that needs to be done, and typing only seems to make it easier. I suppose this is the reason why blogging has become so popular. To be able to vent one's inner thoughts and emotions to any willing to see it. While absolutely ridiculous, it does comfort. More than I would ever imagine. Maybe I'll continue doing this, typing out my ridiculous thoughts and ideas to the public. If it is what helps me in my time of need, then so be it.
My pool of my mind always seems to be constantly full of swimming thoughts and fantasies. Realizing, just recently, the toll it's taking on me by keeping them all inside, I've decided to put them down online, little by little. For now... my most recent thoughts.
Talking to myself
Lately life has been simple. So much so that it's become painful. Every monday, tuesday, and wednesday I go to my college classes and spend any remaining time at home simply wasting away. I usually spend my thursday's with a few of my friends, but even that time plagues my mind even further. I just always feel like I'm not doing anything, like it's all a waste, and now I sound like an emo piece of crap. That in itself only annoys me further. I shouldn't be like this. I have envisioned my future, and I see the path before me. I want to take the steps necessary to reach my goal, but something stops me. I'm not sure what it is. I have nothing holding me back. No financial issues, no barriers in my way or problems with the education system, there's nothing holding me back, and yet... I can't take that step forward. I want it, more than anything. It would make my parents proud, secure my future, and help me realize my dream. Still, there's something keeping me chained down. Perhaps my life has become to monotonous, maybe I just want something to break the binds of repitition. Maybe what I want is companionship. Not that of just friends, but of someone special that would always be by my side. Perhaps I want to conform and join the community my friends seem to have joined. Perhaps I want to be one part of a couple. It's all rather annoying just thinking about it. I've been single for two years, and while I've wanted to be in a relationship many times throughout these years, it's never been so bad as to plague my mind in such a way.
Now I think on the matter further. Perhaps it is not a girlfriend I want. Maybe I just want people to know me. To know I exist, and to peek into my mind. Maybe, just maybe, I want my thoughts to be heard, read, appreciated. I have been the "therapist" "adviser" and "counselar" of many a friend. Helping them in many different times of needs. Hearing them in their times of trouble. Through times of break up, whether it be the friend himself or his parents, through feelings of confusion, through feelings of despair, I have sat through them all. I consoled, I comforted, but more than anything, I listened. I suppose it is what I seek more than anything else. To be the patient rather than the doctor. To tell rather than listen. Many people say they find comfort in having a companion they can tell everything to. I happen to be that companion to my friends, unfortunately I have no such person for myself. One that can truly understand my thoughts and feelings. Maybe that is why I am so lonely. It is perhaps the reason why I want a girlfriend so much. To have someone so near that you can share everything with them would be a truly great gift. Until I find this person I long after, I'm afraid I'll have to relieve the pressure of my mind to any who read this. I thank you if you actually care so much as to read this far. I'm sure my thoughts have become quite boring to most, but I have theories and self analyzing that needs to be done, and typing only seems to make it easier. I suppose this is the reason why blogging has become so popular. To be able to vent one's inner thoughts and emotions to any willing to see it. While absolutely ridiculous, it does comfort. More than I would ever imagine. Maybe I'll continue doing this, typing out my ridiculous thoughts and ideas to the public. If it is what helps me in my time of need, then so be it.