..i come from a place that hurts...
When did I become depressed? WTF. I seriously am all about having fun and being happy and enjoying life. And even if I have a great day doing nothing special, I come home, h8 lyfe and cry. I don't remember the last time I was such a baby and cried everyday. I feel like something is wrong with me. I don't understand it. My chest just hurts. My eyes are so sensitive it doesn't take much for me to want to start crying. I just feel like those people in movies who h8 everything so much they go turn the shower on and cry and cry and cry. I seriously haven't been this emotional in years. I do not like it. Nope nope nope. No thanks.
I don't know what it has to do with. I'm not sure if it's because my life is changing and I can't handle it. I'm growing up and so is everyone around me. I can't stop that, stop the changes even though I want to. I wish everything was just how it was, no planned hang outs... you just knew everyday was a day with friends. Or maybe it's the weather changing. As pretty as fall and winter can be for a few days I think it does have some emotional connection. The cold makes me want to do nothing, and doing nothing makes me lonely and h8 everything. Or hell maybe it's boys, or one boy. It doesn't matter how many guys I meet, give my number to, talk with... it doesn't matter if an ex starts talking to me again.. or if a random guy asks me to go to a movie.. I just don't like them. I don't want them in my life. I h8 having to explain who I am.. my past... shit I've been through with people. I h8 feeling like I have to lie to new guys to sound cool. It's just when someone asks "What are you doing?" it sounds cooler if I say "I'm out with peeps.." then telling them the truth.. "Oh just home alone crying in my bed with my kitty." Why even try and sound cool? I don't even want to impress them but I feel like I have too. I feel guilty even talking to a guy because I want something to happen with Steve.. but I shouldnt feel guilt because honestly we aren't anything. And as much as I wish and hope we could be I know we can't. Even when he is 100% honest and I look at him and know I'm bound to get hurt I don't care.
On top of all this I need to figure out skewl and actually go. I have so much I should do but I can't I'm not motivated in any sense. I wish my novel was close to done but as I re-read it I h8 everything about it and I'm bored with it. If I'm bored how could I ever expect anyone else to read it?! When did October become almost Novemeber? I seriously cannot believe how fast life is moving. I don't enjoy it. Nope. I h8 how it becomes dark so early. I just dont know anymore. I need something better to happen.
At least I know Wife Swap will be on at least once a day, and that makes me feel like I am a lil sane.... just a little though.
I don't know what it has to do with. I'm not sure if it's because my life is changing and I can't handle it. I'm growing up and so is everyone around me. I can't stop that, stop the changes even though I want to. I wish everything was just how it was, no planned hang outs... you just knew everyday was a day with friends. Or maybe it's the weather changing. As pretty as fall and winter can be for a few days I think it does have some emotional connection. The cold makes me want to do nothing, and doing nothing makes me lonely and h8 everything. Or hell maybe it's boys, or one boy. It doesn't matter how many guys I meet, give my number to, talk with... it doesn't matter if an ex starts talking to me again.. or if a random guy asks me to go to a movie.. I just don't like them. I don't want them in my life. I h8 having to explain who I am.. my past... shit I've been through with people. I h8 feeling like I have to lie to new guys to sound cool. It's just when someone asks "What are you doing?" it sounds cooler if I say "I'm out with peeps.." then telling them the truth.. "Oh just home alone crying in my bed with my kitty." Why even try and sound cool? I don't even want to impress them but I feel like I have too. I feel guilty even talking to a guy because I want something to happen with Steve.. but I shouldnt feel guilt because honestly we aren't anything. And as much as I wish and hope we could be I know we can't. Even when he is 100% honest and I look at him and know I'm bound to get hurt I don't care.
On top of all this I need to figure out skewl and actually go. I have so much I should do but I can't I'm not motivated in any sense. I wish my novel was close to done but as I re-read it I h8 everything about it and I'm bored with it. If I'm bored how could I ever expect anyone else to read it?! When did October become almost Novemeber? I seriously cannot believe how fast life is moving. I don't enjoy it. Nope. I h8 how it becomes dark so early. I just dont know anymore. I need something better to happen.
At least I know Wife Swap will be on at least once a day, and that makes me feel like I am a lil sane.... just a little though.