Completing the Thought
Looking back at yesterday, I'm not quite sure what made the feelings so strong. There's probably a couple things that led up to it. I'd been looking back at old year books a few days prior and like I mentioned all the facebook things I'd noticed.
Part of me really yearns for all the things I've missed out on by not going away to school. Meeting up with old friends, making new ones, the college crazies. But the bigger part of me assures me that this was wiser, financially and transitionally. I know that I've saved a ton of money by going to a community college on a full ride. Plus, it's given me the opportunity to figure out what I want to do with a little more ease. Sure, I still have my doubts about whether I'll succeed but at least I know that I enjoy what I do when I get the chance to creatively express myself.
But I miss talking in the halls before and between classes, I miss Channel One and Chemistry help in Barb G.'s class. I miss our point system for Arlis's Whip-Around-or-Pass game. I miss football games and track meets, laughing at the drama queens, and listening to my friends problems. There are so many little things that I had in high school that most people probably don't even remember. I remember helping Josh D. with Biology, and Jim with Zoology. I remember when listening to Lindsey talk about her frustrations outside on the steps after conditioning class. I remember how Pat and I never really got to know each other to sophomore year or later but we did all the same sports (starting and quitting) all through the years. I remember Erin and I have the same classes almost every year. So many memories...and yet...I worry that's all those people will become for me.
I know a lot of it's in the good Lord's hands at this point, but God does expect us to do some of the work. I feel myself being called so many ways and at the same time I can't help but think, "Dammit, I've got enough things of my own to worry about!" Money, school, work, family, my future family,...Where does it all end? Is there ever really a moment for peace...calm...simplistic serenity? It's always GO GO GO - and when I do get those moments to relax and breath in the fresh air - soaking up all of nature's beauties. The yearning for some unknown thing lingers, and it bothers me that I don't know what it is.
Anyway the whole point of this post was to reiterate that I'm not pointing fingers at anyone for my inability to maintain a relationship. I was just going through alternate possibilities and mainly my frustrations with myself for getting to caught up in my own relationship to keep ties with old ones.
Well, I'm tired and the achy-ness of removed wisdom teeth is setting in, so I'm going to bed. Namarie
Part of me really yearns for all the things I've missed out on by not going away to school. Meeting up with old friends, making new ones, the college crazies. But the bigger part of me assures me that this was wiser, financially and transitionally. I know that I've saved a ton of money by going to a community college on a full ride. Plus, it's given me the opportunity to figure out what I want to do with a little more ease. Sure, I still have my doubts about whether I'll succeed but at least I know that I enjoy what I do when I get the chance to creatively express myself.
But I miss talking in the halls before and between classes, I miss Channel One and Chemistry help in Barb G.'s class. I miss our point system for Arlis's Whip-Around-or-Pass game. I miss football games and track meets, laughing at the drama queens, and listening to my friends problems. There are so many little things that I had in high school that most people probably don't even remember. I remember helping Josh D. with Biology, and Jim with Zoology. I remember when listening to Lindsey talk about her frustrations outside on the steps after conditioning class. I remember how Pat and I never really got to know each other to sophomore year or later but we did all the same sports (starting and quitting) all through the years. I remember Erin and I have the same classes almost every year. So many memories...and yet...I worry that's all those people will become for me.
I know a lot of it's in the good Lord's hands at this point, but God does expect us to do some of the work. I feel myself being called so many ways and at the same time I can't help but think, "Dammit, I've got enough things of my own to worry about!" Money, school, work, family, my future family,...Where does it all end? Is there ever really a moment for peace...calm...simplistic serenity? It's always GO GO GO - and when I do get those moments to relax and breath in the fresh air - soaking up all of nature's beauties. The yearning for some unknown thing lingers, and it bothers me that I don't know what it is.
Anyway the whole point of this post was to reiterate that I'm not pointing fingers at anyone for my inability to maintain a relationship. I was just going through alternate possibilities and mainly my frustrations with myself for getting to caught up in my own relationship to keep ties with old ones.
Well, I'm tired and the achy-ness of removed wisdom teeth is setting in, so I'm going to bed. Namarie