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I dreamt about Sinan last night. I woke up sad and lonely (and hot! its getting warmer!) and tried to forget about him, the dream and the feeling of lonliness by reading game of thrones, but it didn't really work at all. I'm writing out what little I remember here because maybe that'll help.
We were going on a trip somewhere in the states. it looked like the east coast, tree lined high ways, hills and curves and turns. The group of us were on a bus, sinan was in the back and I was in the middle, we both knew the other was there, but for some reason we were ignoring each other. I could feel that tug from him that he wanted to be near me and I'm sure he felt the same pull from me... this dreamed Sinan.
We drove for a while, getting up to walk around the bus and talk to everyone but each other. I'd glance briefly at him and him at me.
Somehow we ended up in a school of some kind, after we had gone on a trip somewhere and done something active. Sinan was walking into the school and laid down inside. I think we were preparing to leave outside but I wanted to see him. He smiled up at me and pulled me into his chest and held me tight like he does when we're about to go to sleep. I felt the illusion of his strong arms around me and it made me feel safe and secure. I looked at his face, which had these cuts and gashes on the side of his neck and head. I asked him if they hurt and he laughed at said only if you put your fingers on them. I cleaned them and dressed them with antibiotic ointment. He winced and laughed and said it hurt... he's such a baby when it comes to pain... We both laughed and we kissed.
I think I woke up then.
I bruised the bottom of my foot and ankle so it hurts to walk very far. I can't point my toes without it hurting and I can't stand on my left foot. Sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it right now.
I want to get on the road again... I miss Sinan more than I should, more than I want to and I know it's partially because I just miss sex and closeness. I don't want to marry him or be his girlfriend with the goal of staying together for a long time.... not really anyways... but having a companion here is really really great. Having someone who you can talk to and live with easily, someone who understands how you feel is just really really worth it.
I'm sure he's found other girls to catch his attention by now, but I can't help missing him....
I feel like part of me should feel bad because of Garrett, but thats just not how I feel right now. I love Garrett, but that's not where my life is right now. He chose China, he chose now, when I've found out that maybe there are other people I can connect with and not be bored of besides him, to realize that he wants to be with me and he wants me in his life.
Sometimes I really hate myself and the fact that guys like me because i like sex. Fuck that....
My ankle hurts. I wish I didn't care if Sinan emails me back or not.
We were going on a trip somewhere in the states. it looked like the east coast, tree lined high ways, hills and curves and turns. The group of us were on a bus, sinan was in the back and I was in the middle, we both knew the other was there, but for some reason we were ignoring each other. I could feel that tug from him that he wanted to be near me and I'm sure he felt the same pull from me... this dreamed Sinan.
We drove for a while, getting up to walk around the bus and talk to everyone but each other. I'd glance briefly at him and him at me.
Somehow we ended up in a school of some kind, after we had gone on a trip somewhere and done something active. Sinan was walking into the school and laid down inside. I think we were preparing to leave outside but I wanted to see him. He smiled up at me and pulled me into his chest and held me tight like he does when we're about to go to sleep. I felt the illusion of his strong arms around me and it made me feel safe and secure. I looked at his face, which had these cuts and gashes on the side of his neck and head. I asked him if they hurt and he laughed at said only if you put your fingers on them. I cleaned them and dressed them with antibiotic ointment. He winced and laughed and said it hurt... he's such a baby when it comes to pain... We both laughed and we kissed.
I think I woke up then.
I bruised the bottom of my foot and ankle so it hurts to walk very far. I can't point my toes without it hurting and I can't stand on my left foot. Sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it right now.
I want to get on the road again... I miss Sinan more than I should, more than I want to and I know it's partially because I just miss sex and closeness. I don't want to marry him or be his girlfriend with the goal of staying together for a long time.... not really anyways... but having a companion here is really really great. Having someone who you can talk to and live with easily, someone who understands how you feel is just really really worth it.
I'm sure he's found other girls to catch his attention by now, but I can't help missing him....
I feel like part of me should feel bad because of Garrett, but thats just not how I feel right now. I love Garrett, but that's not where my life is right now. He chose China, he chose now, when I've found out that maybe there are other people I can connect with and not be bored of besides him, to realize that he wants to be with me and he wants me in his life.
Sometimes I really hate myself and the fact that guys like me because i like sex. Fuck that....
My ankle hurts. I wish I didn't care if Sinan emails me back or not.