(no subject)
Oh livejournal, I have been neglecting you....
So I went to Thailand, I came back and now I'm back on Cat Ba for a while.
I'm constantly wavering between staying in Vietnam, Asia, this area of the world after my proposed May-June departure from Slo Pony/Asia Outdoors. Emotionally, physically, I think that this place is draining for me and not necessarily in a bad way. I think there are things I could do to make it less so, but I have yet to make those moves.
I could run more, I could read more, I could draw more... I could be social but still have my distance that I crave and need in my life.
One of the most difficult things about this job is that we are CONSTANTLY with each other, working, eating, drinking... basically every single step of the day we are with our co workers. I'm someone who needs space and time to be on my own. I'm not always the most social, but a lot of the times I feel like I'm going to miss something crucial if I don't hang out with everyone every second of the day.
I think that I really want to be liked by the people I'm with and that if I don't hang out with them the way that we all hang out, then they won't feel connected to me in the way that they do to everyone else.
It's interesting because I came here to be on my own, in whatever capacity, by whatever standards I originally expected that to be. It ended up not really being what I thought it would be. I'm not alone... I'm constantly with my co workers. I'm not alone... I fell for a german guy who became someone who I lived with, had sex with and felt a need for on some emotional and physical level. I'm not alone... I'm not constantly traveling by myself and I constantly have someone or something nearby that I use to connect with people. Im not entirely sure what negative or positive effect this will eventually have on me. I don't even really know why I have this fixation on needing to be on my own, alone and without anyone else there.... I think I've come to the realization that we need people, we need affection, we need some form of human interaction, no matter how little or insignificant it is... it's whats nessisary. It's what contributes to my stimulation and my drive to keep on going in this world. Yes, being alone and being able to sustain yourself on your own, being able to have that silence in your mind where it's just you and no one else, that IS important and just as nessisary as being with people.... but that doesn't mean that you have to cut yourself off entirely to find it.
I think that's what I want to explain to garrett, when he says 'you know i'd have to leave you, right?' in order to do yoga and meditate on his own for whatever extended period of time in order to find something other than his addcitions to fuel and occupy his time.
Anyways, tangents.
I find it uncomfortable to be with my co workers constantly, but I also find it uncomfortable to be without them. I need to find a balance, but it never seems to work out.
The weather is improving, I see the sun... I can't wait until its a constant thing.
I think I'm too mentally exhausted for a re-telling of thailand, but I might try anyways.
I think that I need to just keep going on this tangent for a while and see where it goes.
My most immediate thoughts are with Sinan right now and I think that's because he was a part of my life here on Cat Ba and I'm back in that routine and he isn't here. I feel this ache in my heart when i sit in this room without him and knowing and trying to accept the fact that he won't be coming back here, for a long time or maybe ever. The ache is heart break as well as everything else I mentioned above... the constant co worker interaction was made easier when I could just be with him alone when I wanted...
With Sinan, I could talk to him and feel like I was understood almost immediately after talking with him that one night on Cat Co 2. He got me in a way that I didn't really expect to find. He accepted my weirdness without judgement because he was the same in that way. His emotions and his feelings were also transparent, passionate, and easily detected.... it's nice to be able to have that transparency. I feel that with Garrett it took time to see and now I see, but with Sinan everything is clear immediately and there's comfort in that. Sinan's affectionate nature was another thing that I've never really had before. He wasn't hesitant to show affection and he enjoyed being affectionate where anyone else I have been with hasn't been like that. I really love being held and kissed and to have someone wrap their arms around me for no reason other than the desire for closeness.
I really miss him right now. I'm trying not to dwell on these feelings and I guess writing about how much I liked being with him in a journal isn't nessisarily going to get him off my mind.
I really wish I could share these things with Garrett. I want to be able to share my feelings about sinan, how it hurts and how this is affecting me, but I can't. I know there is no REAL benefit to telling him these things and I know that they would hurt him. I know that he can't really comfort me about losing Sinan in my life because although he's trying to move past the fact that I found something with someone else for a period of time, there was still someone else in my life who i loved while I was still in a relationship with him. I don't regret finding Sinan, but I think it shouldn't have gone as far as it had. I should have had the wherabouts to stop when I knew things were going too far. When this relationship took presidence over my relationship with Garrett. I should have just found another way, but I didn't because I wanted to be where I was in the present moment and not with someone else, hundreds of miles away.
I'm trying to reconcile a lot right now and it's kind of overwhelming at times. I want to be ok being on my own and not being overwhelmed by the desire for both of the men in my life who aren't here and I can't be with. I need to be in better shape than I am right now and I need to focus on working here, while keeping the future in mind (leaving Vietnam and traveling, going to australia, going home, moving back to HCMC...)
Oh life...
So I went to Thailand, I came back and now I'm back on Cat Ba for a while.
I'm constantly wavering between staying in Vietnam, Asia, this area of the world after my proposed May-June departure from Slo Pony/Asia Outdoors. Emotionally, physically, I think that this place is draining for me and not necessarily in a bad way. I think there are things I could do to make it less so, but I have yet to make those moves.
I could run more, I could read more, I could draw more... I could be social but still have my distance that I crave and need in my life.
One of the most difficult things about this job is that we are CONSTANTLY with each other, working, eating, drinking... basically every single step of the day we are with our co workers. I'm someone who needs space and time to be on my own. I'm not always the most social, but a lot of the times I feel like I'm going to miss something crucial if I don't hang out with everyone every second of the day.
I think that I really want to be liked by the people I'm with and that if I don't hang out with them the way that we all hang out, then they won't feel connected to me in the way that they do to everyone else.
It's interesting because I came here to be on my own, in whatever capacity, by whatever standards I originally expected that to be. It ended up not really being what I thought it would be. I'm not alone... I'm constantly with my co workers. I'm not alone... I fell for a german guy who became someone who I lived with, had sex with and felt a need for on some emotional and physical level. I'm not alone... I'm not constantly traveling by myself and I constantly have someone or something nearby that I use to connect with people. Im not entirely sure what negative or positive effect this will eventually have on me. I don't even really know why I have this fixation on needing to be on my own, alone and without anyone else there.... I think I've come to the realization that we need people, we need affection, we need some form of human interaction, no matter how little or insignificant it is... it's whats nessisary. It's what contributes to my stimulation and my drive to keep on going in this world. Yes, being alone and being able to sustain yourself on your own, being able to have that silence in your mind where it's just you and no one else, that IS important and just as nessisary as being with people.... but that doesn't mean that you have to cut yourself off entirely to find it.
I think that's what I want to explain to garrett, when he says 'you know i'd have to leave you, right?' in order to do yoga and meditate on his own for whatever extended period of time in order to find something other than his addcitions to fuel and occupy his time.
Anyways, tangents.
I find it uncomfortable to be with my co workers constantly, but I also find it uncomfortable to be without them. I need to find a balance, but it never seems to work out.
The weather is improving, I see the sun... I can't wait until its a constant thing.
I think I'm too mentally exhausted for a re-telling of thailand, but I might try anyways.
I think that I need to just keep going on this tangent for a while and see where it goes.
My most immediate thoughts are with Sinan right now and I think that's because he was a part of my life here on Cat Ba and I'm back in that routine and he isn't here. I feel this ache in my heart when i sit in this room without him and knowing and trying to accept the fact that he won't be coming back here, for a long time or maybe ever. The ache is heart break as well as everything else I mentioned above... the constant co worker interaction was made easier when I could just be with him alone when I wanted...
With Sinan, I could talk to him and feel like I was understood almost immediately after talking with him that one night on Cat Co 2. He got me in a way that I didn't really expect to find. He accepted my weirdness without judgement because he was the same in that way. His emotions and his feelings were also transparent, passionate, and easily detected.... it's nice to be able to have that transparency. I feel that with Garrett it took time to see and now I see, but with Sinan everything is clear immediately and there's comfort in that. Sinan's affectionate nature was another thing that I've never really had before. He wasn't hesitant to show affection and he enjoyed being affectionate where anyone else I have been with hasn't been like that. I really love being held and kissed and to have someone wrap their arms around me for no reason other than the desire for closeness.
I really miss him right now. I'm trying not to dwell on these feelings and I guess writing about how much I liked being with him in a journal isn't nessisarily going to get him off my mind.
I really wish I could share these things with Garrett. I want to be able to share my feelings about sinan, how it hurts and how this is affecting me, but I can't. I know there is no REAL benefit to telling him these things and I know that they would hurt him. I know that he can't really comfort me about losing Sinan in my life because although he's trying to move past the fact that I found something with someone else for a period of time, there was still someone else in my life who i loved while I was still in a relationship with him. I don't regret finding Sinan, but I think it shouldn't have gone as far as it had. I should have had the wherabouts to stop when I knew things were going too far. When this relationship took presidence over my relationship with Garrett. I should have just found another way, but I didn't because I wanted to be where I was in the present moment and not with someone else, hundreds of miles away.
I'm trying to reconcile a lot right now and it's kind of overwhelming at times. I want to be ok being on my own and not being overwhelmed by the desire for both of the men in my life who aren't here and I can't be with. I need to be in better shape than I am right now and I need to focus on working here, while keeping the future in mind (leaving Vietnam and traveling, going to australia, going home, moving back to HCMC...)
Oh life...