"The Lost Airbender" by The Green Phoenix (chapter 3)
The Lost Airbender by The Green Phoenix reviews
A young airbender named Tye has survived the firenation attack on the Southern Air Temple. What will happen to him? Please give me feedback on this and some tips to make it better.
Avatar: Last Airbender - Fiction Rated: T - English - Action/Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 1419 - Reviews: 6 - Updated: 6-18-06 - Published: 6-16-06
Chapter three was up a couple days ago, but I've only gotten about to reviewing it today... well, let's begin.
Chapter Navigation: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3
Summary
Same applies from the last review, as the summary's pretty much the same, with the exception of the addition of a call for feedback.
Rating:
- Still could use some improvement, but it's eye-catching, nonetheless.
Plot
It's time for Tye to leave Tu-lan's place, and she has a flashback about the first time that she sees him-then, she decides to accompany Tye on his journey. Nothing too spectacular. I did like the flashback, which explained Tu-lan's family deciding to buy and free Tye, but I thought Tu-lan's hasty decision to accompany Tye at the end was a bit unbelieveable-a young girl traveling with some random stranger, and just leaving a note for her parents to assure them that she'd be okay, even though she's going on what could be a very long journey, possibly filled with danger?
Sounds fishy to me.
Rating:
- I just don't really see that ending as very believeable, though the rest of it was pretty good.
Characterization
I've noticed that your characters have names very similar to the pre-established characters (Tye vs. Ty Lee, Zhou vs. Zhao, Tu-lan vs. Lu-ten, etc.), though I'm not really complaining, as it hasn't gotten in the way yet. Anywho, I like how Tye is finally beginning to show some character here-teasing Tu-lan at the end, for instance-and the flashback definitely does add to Tu-lan's character by showing what she thinks.
Good job with that. Me, I'm a more character-oriented person, so I would've preferred to see more dialogue, as that's a pretty big tool to use to develop characters.
By the way, are any of the pre-established characters going to show up, or is it going to be entirely centered on the OCs? Not that I mind that, of course-heck, the only pre-established characters in my fic "Them" are the Yuu Yan archers, and even that is debateable.
Rating:
- I'm glad that you've started to give your characters more of a personality; keep it up!
Spelling/Grammar/Style
Spelling:
- No errors to speak of.
Grammar:
- No errors to speak of.
Style:
- I thought that this sentence was a bit repetitive:
Yutan, noting sadness in the air, dropped down head first from a branch, her tail wrapped around the branch.
But other than that, I didn't see any more stylistic errors. Anyway, it's good that you're showing the body language of the characters; those little details definitely add to their personalities. Your descriptions, although simplistic, continue to be strong and fantastic-I especially liked the image of "pale skin shimmering in the sunlight".
I still feel that you could have lengthened the fic a bit; the chapters are somewhat short and still lack some detail. But other than that, keep at it-everything's lookin' pretty good so far!
Overall Verdict
Looks like Tye, Tu-lan, and Yutan are off to a great big adventure; I can't wait to see how things turn out, and how you continue to develop your characters and the relationships they have with each other, and other characters.
Chapter Navigation: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3
Cheers,
helium_lost