"The Lost Airbender" by The Green Phoenix (chapter 2)
The Lost Airbender by The Green Phoenix reviews
A young airbender named Tye has survived the firenation attack on the Southern Air Temple. What will happen to him?
Avatar: Last Airbender - Fiction Rated: T - English - Action/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 721 - Reviews: 4 - Updated: 6-16-06 - Published: 6-16-06
Being that chapter two is up, I'm interested in seeing what's happening next. So, let's begin!
Chapter Navigation: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3
Summary
Same applies from the last review, as the summary's the same.
Rating:
- Still could use some improvement, but it's eye-catching, nonetheless.
Plot
Eh, Tye gets down from the mountain, gets captured, then gets freed again. The thing is, everything goes by pretty quickly, so it makes things a bit unbelieveable-the fact that Tye gets captured by an Earth Kingdom slavetrader (nevermind that slavery even exists in the Avatar world?), then just happens to be bought by a family that doesn't believe in slavery, so he's just going to be provided with shelter for a little while... eh?! I mean, it's a good idea, I suppose-definitely unique-but it needs a lot more developing to make it believeable.
Rating:
- I would've given it four checks, if not for the fact that it was extremely underdeveloped.
Characterization
As Tye and Tu-lan finally get some dialogue in this chapter, I get to judge a bit on characterization.
Seeing how Tye was too exhausted to do anything, he was still basically following his survival instinct, so not much there... He's still a bit flat as a character, although he appears to be good-mannered, at the least. With some more dialogue, and after he's rested up a bit, I'm sure Tye will provide a livelier character. Meanwhile, Tu-lan initially comes off as just another character created to provide information, but she appears to have a good sense of humor, so good job with that.
Still no canon characters to speak of, so I can't say much about that, either.
Rating:
- They come off as real people, and they're believeable, but a little bit more life would've been nice. Have I mentioned how I love the fact that you made the lemur a girl?
Spelling/Grammar/Style
Spelling:
- No errors to speak of.
Grammar:
- I would've preferred '12' to be spelled out, as it looks more professional (and as I believe that any number under 100 should be spelled out), but that's a stylistic preference. Other than that, I didn't see any errors.
Style:
- I like your strong use of adjectives and verbs, but your fic is lacking description. Don't hold back-you have a lot of talent for descriptions; let us see that in use!
Plus, adding description slows down the pacing, which was needed for this chapter. And not just description of what's going on, either-the look on their faces, their body language, etc. People don't just talk with words; they talk with their bodies, as well, and including little details like that is what really makes fics come alive.
Overall Verdict
Maybe polish up the stuff I pointed out, and this fic would be looking pretty darn good. I'm guessing that the next chapter will have some interaction between Tye and Tu-lan, so I'm hoping to see some more characterization from there, especially with Tye.
Chapter Navigation: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3
Cheers,
helium_lost