Historical Hysteria Day 14: CLASH OF THE TITANS

[morganwolf]

Well, here we are. The last day of Round 1. These two contestants are thoroughly boss, so let's cut right to the chase:

Elizabeth I

• The last of the Tudor monarchs, Elizabeth was born to Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn, whom Henry had executed less than three years after Elizabeth's birth, at which point Bess was declared illegitimate and cut out of succession
• Never married, on account of how a husband would have made her less powerful and also would never be good enough
• One of the strongest, most notable female rulers in all of history
• Her status as a "virgin queen" may have been due (at least in part) to her 40-year-old stepfather, Tom Seymour, gettin' all up in her grill when she was, like, 14, and how SHE was punished and sent from her home as a result of his inappropriate behavior. Seymour was later beheaded.
• Had a bitchin' signature
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• One of her mottoes was video et taceo-- "I see, and say nothing"
• Possessed an incredibly fucking amazing wardrobe
• Often characterized as "a charismatic performer and dogged survivor," credited with providing much-needed stability to English monarchy
• Her good buddy Robert Dudley's wife was found dead at the foot of her stairs, creating a scandal that accused Dudley of arranging his wife's murder so he could pursue marriage with Bess
• The last fifteen years of her reign were marked by international conflict, a faltering economy, and discontent among her subjects, which she attempted to bolster with subterfuge and propaganda
• Her rival, Mary, Queen of Scots, was imprisoned for 20 years before being beheaded. I AM SENSING A PATTERN, HERE.
• Under her reign, culture and exploration flourished
• Before the defeat of the Spanish Armada, she addressed her troops wearing a silver breastplate and white velvet dress, which is FANTASTIC
• Cate Blanchett is just awesome, isn't she?
• After a bout with smallpox nearly killed her and severely scarred her, the heavy white facepaint and wigs she used to conceal her deformity became de rigeur in fashionable circles
• Was twice offered sovereignty of the Netherlands and twice refused, because fuck the Netherlands
• The settlement at Roanoke was established during Elizabeth's reign. Virginia, the state, is named for her. West Virginia is not, for some reason.

Theodore Roosevelt

• Started out as a weak, sickly, asthmatic child,
• A lifelong fascination with zoology and natural science began at age 7 when he saw a dead seal in a market; he instantly obtained the seal's head and started a museum with it
• His first wife, Alice, died shortly after the birth of TR's first daughter. He was so traumatized by the event that he refused to ever speak of or even acknowledge it again, even to his daughter, and thereafter hated the nickname "Teddy," which his wife had given him.
• Please don't Google Image search "teddy bear." It's profoundly disturbing.
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• Spent some time as a hunter in the Badlands; hunted down three thieves that stole his boat and read Tolstoy to keep himself awake as he spent 40 sleepless hours guarding them on their return for trial
• Served as Vice President under William McKinley for six months in 1901, until McKinley's death, whence he took over the Presidency. Was elected by his own right in a landslide 1904 election, and opted not to run for reelection in 1909.
• "Speak softly and carry a big stick, and you will go far."
• Was once shot in the chest while giving a speech, proceeded to continue to speak for ninety minutes
• Let me say that again because it is incredibly fucking badass: SHOT IN THE CHEST, CONTINUED TO TALK FOR NINETY MINUTES, OH MY GOD
• Formed the Progressive Party-- also known as the Bull Moose party on account of MANLINESS-- which largely supported strong unions and was anti-trust and anti-monopoly
• You ever played Monopoly? I FUCKING HATE THAT GAME, I AM ALSO ANTI-MONOPOLY.
• I spent many happy hours in my childhood visiting Sagamore Hill, his home full of animals he killed with his bare hands, and the T.R. Sanctuary, for animals that he merely maimed
• NEW YAWK, BABY
• In a post-presidential safari, TR and his companions killed or trapped approximately 11,400 animals, which is more animals than I have seen in my life
• Went to Brazil to find the headwaters of the River of Doubt, which was later renamed in his honor; unfortunately, also contracted malaria and a severe infection, lost 50 pounds, and probably had 10 years cut off his lifespan as a result
• Owned a goodly number of pets, not least of which were two bears, a one-legged rooster, and a badger named Josiah, who was donated to the Bronx Zoo after too much hissing and biting guests' ankles (note: the baby badger was not actually thrown at the President)

Poll Elizabeth I vs Theodore Roosevelt