Historical Hysteria Round 2 Day 1: Emancipation Bashination

[morganwolf]

Since Black History Month has just kicked off, we'll kick off round two of Historical Hysteria with a civil rights theme. Also a delicious menu of fried chicken, collard greens, cornbread, and rice with black eyed peas. I realize that our polls largely ignored notable black persons in history, which is lame, and can largely be blamed on my inherent racism as a(n extremely) white girl. But for now let's forget about that (even if we can never forget about cornbread, oh God, I really want some cornbread right now) and get to voting.

Nelson Mandela

• Winner of a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Also winner of the Mahatma Gandhi Peace Prize; one of the few non-Indian recipients.
• President of South Africa from 1994-1999.
• Enjoys wearing funky-ass batik shirts.
• Did buttloads of hard time.  Like 27 years, guys.  THAT'S HOW LONG I'VE BEEN ALIVE, HOLY SHITCOCKS.
• You know who's done musical tributes to him?  To name a few, Stevie Wonder, Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Santana, Whitney Houston, Nickelback, and Raffi.  RAFFI, GUYS.  GODDAMN.
• Instrumental in ending South African apartheid and healing relations between white and black South Africans.
• Initially practiced non-violent resistance, then gave it up to become leader of the African National Congress so he could smite mightily.
• Became the first living person to become an honorary citizen of Canada.  That's... that's pretty cool, I guess.  If you're really into Canadians.
• This dude is 91!  There's no stopping him!  HE'S THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH.

Abraham Lincoln

• President of the United States from 1861-1865
• Consistently ranked as one of the greatest U.S. presidents
• HOLY CRAP, LOOK AT THAT COMIC BOOK, SPIDEY AND CAP ARE SCARED SHITLESS OF HIS MIGHT
• Abolished slavery in the U.S. and brought an end to the Civil War. THAT IS HUGE.
  
• Although I must note, abolishing slavery was second to keeping his nation united
• His mother was killed by poisoned milk, I TOLD YOU COWS WERE OUT TO GET US
• Suffered from clinical depression, I FEEL YA, BRO DAWG
• Wrestled in his youth and was a formidable opponent
• Colorblind. I mean, literally. Possibly also figuratively. But mostly literally.
• Tallest of all the presidents
• Held a patent for a special buoy he designed. Did it have glass balls?

It's time for me to go home and track down some fried chicken. Do your civic duty and vote.

Poll Mandela vs Lincoln