Just A Day Update
Originally published at Morbid Romantic. You can comment here or there.
I know, I don’t have enough in my life to try daily updates, but today is a day and this is an update, so it is a day update. They are sporadic and inconsistent at best, but I really don’t have enough in my life at this point to attempt daily updates.
Alfred called me today, which was hopeful. Alas, not. He asked me if I wanted him to come over and hang out, but I said no because there’s nothing to do here. He’d be bored as shit sitting here with me. It’s just better for him to go home after work where he has his TV and his computer and his games and his car to get into to go where ever he wants when ever he wants.
Now, if Alfred had offered to come over and take me somewhere, I would have definitely said yes. I’m so bored sitting around here that I would have jumped at the chance to get the hell out of the house, at least for a little while. But to sit around here? No, I’d rather be alone and I’d rather him be able to do what he wants without having to worry about me. And he worked all day, so the last thing he needs is to ‘work’ once he gets off.
Still, it would have been nice. I hoped he was going to ask me to go out, but whatever.
When he called, he said, “Do you want me to come over?” While this is all well and good, he always talks to me with hesitation and uncertainly. It would have made all the difference in the world if he said, “I want to come over and see you” with confidence. I don’t want a guy who hesitates or seems uncertain, I want a guy who puts himself out there. Also, when you say, “do you…”, it seems like the person is just trying to pleasure you in spite of what they want. I want to know that he wants to spend time with me, but he doesn’t outright say it.
Right now, I am so desperate to not feel this way that I want to call Alfred up before he leaves work and beg him to take me somewhere. But, I won’t. I am going to stuff it all in and hold back and keep myself from doing that. Because after he told me I am a bitch on Sunday, I resolved not to lay that kind of stuff on him. Obviously, trying to make me happy is a burden and I am no longer going to expect that from him. I am no longer going to expect him to try to make me happy. I am not going to demand anything from him or ask for anything.
I don’t think he even notices how unhappy I am. I think I’d have to slit my wrists before he’d notice that I’m depressed and I need someone so bad right now. He is really that blind, or else he just doesn’t care. Instead of noticing that I’m depressed, he takes my unhappiness personally and reacts negatively and that just makes the situation worse in me. He can be selfish, but I won’t be anymore, which is why I am not going to ask him for anything. I am not going to ask him to do anything for me.
I’m just going to keep packing. My mother decided that she is going to take my couch, which is a relief to me. I wouldn’t have room for it and I’d have no place to store it in the meantime. She needs a couch and it’s less than a year old. I didn’t want to throw it away! She is also going to take most of my books and my lunchbox collection and my dolls, the ‘Historical’ ones like Ancient Egyptian and Feudal Japan. I want to keep these things, but again, I won’t have any space to put them. I won’t have a bookshelf, so why have piles of books? I’ll just take what I want, the essentials, and what I haven’t read.